Written by: Kevin Kindelberger
WWF Monday Night RAW 1/12/98
Open letter to WWF: Please get better. I beg of you. I am not a 15 year old virgin who likes dick and fart jokes. I do not want to see a man in a diaper put in an outhouse. I would like some wrestling please and some more adult storylines. If you do that I will be a really happy bear. Besides it is Royal Rumble time and that is the time the WWF usually steps up as it is nearing WM time. RAW stayed strong with a 3.4 total off of hours of 3.2 and 3.7 while Nitro stayed strong with a 4.5 off of hours of 4.8 and 4.3.
HBK has recovered from being in the casket with the Undertaker. He is on a limo with HHH and mooning….yup, mooning.
Match 1: New Age Outlaws v. Headbangers v. Godwinns v. Recon and Sniper
We are in Penn State and the Outlaws are wearing Florida Gator jersey’s…..PS lost to FL in a Bowl Game. Outlaws get pummeled and tossed to the floor. Henry levels Thrasher and works him over but is nailed and dropkicked twice. Recon is tagged in and he gets dropkicked too and now Phineas is in and he runs into a knee from Mosh. Mosh is pounded in the corner ad Recon is in and he gets a two count. Mosh tags in Henry who along with his brother assault Recon. The Bangers double team Recon and he is nearly pinned after a clothesline from the top by Mosh. Recon makes a come back and Phineas is tagged in and he gets slammed and now Gunn gets the tag and he is just getting demolished from all corners and Road Dog runs in and he gets knocked out but Gunn uses a foreign object and pins Phineas and then they run off.
LoD was going to wrestler the winner at the Rumble.
Video package of LoD.
Austin just arrived. During the break he Stunned the Godwinns and now he is driving his truck as close to the entrance that he can and heads to the ring and the fans are losing their lunch. Cole is interviewing him and Austin restates that he won last year and was tired of the WWF and the whining. Cole reminds him that there is a target on him and Austin is fine with that and draws a bullseye on himself and he is not hard to find nor is he worried.
Austin was on MTV for a Celebrity Death Match Promo.
The DX limo is pulling up.They exit the limo and are yelling about something.
Match 2: Kurrgan v. Jobbers
They are doing the Giant thing with him by having him squash jobbers. He predictably destroys them and pins all three.
Owen Hart is crawling on top of the limo and beating up HHH and Shawn runs after him and the limo door is shut and it drives off.
Match 3: Marc Mero v. Vader
The mic is not working and he keeps talking but here comes Sable. Okay, I am going to be unpopular. I know she is considered one of the hottest Divas but she looks like something out of a bad Whitesnake video from 2011 and they were young in 87….the mullet and glasses are terrible.
Okay this is amusing, Goldust comes out dressed as Sable! He looks pretty good. The hair looks better too.
They do the boxing thing by jostling around and playing grab ass before locking up and Mero boxes him in the corner. Vader turns it around but Goldust grabs the leg and Mero knocks him down. Here comes Tawny Kitean, wait it is Sable and she is not happy and kicks Goldust and Mero is yelling at her and telling her to leave and she yells back. Mero turns back around right into a clothesline and is flung into the steps. Mero is rolled back into the ring and Vader just manhandles him in the corner, a running splash followed up by a clothesline. Vader heads up and Goldust is in the ring, the Vader Bomb connects and Goldust has a fucking coconut and breaks it over his head.
Match was tossed and this was cleary used solely for angle advancement. Poor Vader, so close to being champ and then HBK and then Vince ruin that and fucking Sid gets the title.
They show highlights of Tyson boxing.
The DX limo arrives and they depart and while DX is limping there is no Owen.
Jesus, it continues for Vader as he was Stunned in the back and not too happy about it.
Match 4: Rock and D’Lo Brown v. Ken Shamrock and Mark Henry
Rock is not happy with the Rock is sucks T-shirt and then mentions Kordell Stewart who called the Rock to find out what it takes to become champion and instead took that old man’s Joe Paterno’s advice and look what happened neither are champs (God I remember that year, fucking Kordell). Rock is going to beat Henry’s fat ass for wearing the Rocky Sucks shirt.
Rock and Shamrock go at it and exchange blows, down goes Shamrock and Brown comes in and he gets his head caved in with a series of blows. Ken knee drops him, but Brown makes a comeback and Rock wants the tag, gets it and he nails him with a shoulder breaker and it is People’s Elbow time for two. Ken is getting kicked and punched in the corner and off the whip he powerslams Rock for a two count of his own. Ken is whipped into the corner but explodes out and strikes with a hurracarana and Brown gets torn up top. Henry comes in and he just dismantles Shamrock, powerslams him and drops the big elbow as the Rock directs traffic. Now the Nation comes in sans Farooq and they are stomping a hole in him.
As they depart Farooq is not happy.
In the back Cole asks the Rock want happened and the former is told to shut up. Rock tells him that he brought Henry in for him as well as the IC gold and Farooq just looks like he shat himself.
Here comes DX. HHH mocks Owen about being flushed over and over and he got the big flush an hour ago and he is in the sewer. HHH continues about tips and giving the whole thing. HBK has the mic and states that Tyson is the baddest man and HHH does a good imitation of him. Shawn tells Tyson that this is HBK territory and that he needs to stay out of his way at the Rumble. Shawn decides to discuss Kane and Owen turns up on the Tron and tells them he knows about family and HHH responds that he is in the ring waiting for him, so Owen comes out swinging a crutch and a slew of refs come out to hold them back.
Match 5: DoA v. Rock and Roll Express
Cornette rambles about the NWA and how it is a great tradition of tag teams and he brings out the Rock and Roll Express.
Here we go. Ricky kicks one of the twins but is whipped into the ropes and side slammed. Morton runs over and makes the tag. Gibson knocks him to the floor and then the Express double clotheslines him. They work him over are clotheslined by one of the DoA, no one has siad who is who and a tag is made and Gibson is down, so Cornette runs in and whacks him with a tennis racket and the match is tossed out and he runs off.
On the Hotline the WWF hypes up Hogan maybe returning to the WWF! To be fair his contract was up and it probably did bring in some ratings….
Cactus Jack is at Happy Valley and discussing his battles with Terry Funk. He is a bit baffled by the Charlie gimmick but the Outlaws do not know what is coming to them.
Match 6: Mankind v. Goldust
Goldust comes out dressed as Dude Love with Luna as a cheerleader (I a going to have a lot of nightmares about this show.). Mankind puts him in the Claw right off the bat and Austin runs down and Stuns both. He gets on the headset and screams Hell Yeah and no more Mr. Nice Guy until after the Rumble.
Vince tells everyone that negotiations will be finished at the Rumble and he will be at RAW next week for a big announcement. The fans boo Vince and Lawler tells him that they really do love him.
Sunny comes down in a cheerleader outfit and hints she is not wearing panties.
Match 7: Los Baricuas v. Taka Michinoku and Scott Taylor
Taylor and Jesus start off and Scott gets the upper hand and slide kicks him into the railing. But he gets back in the ring and is sent to the apron and Scott climbs up only to awkwardly fall on top him. Taka gets the tag and drops a series of elbows getting a one count. Vega is in and Taka leaps on his shoulders, rolls him up for two. Taka is shoved into the corner where he is chopped a few times. Vega powerbombs him, and Jesus is tagged and he runs him over with a knee and drops an elbow. Taylor is able to get the tag and he goes on the offensive, whips him into the corner and back drops him. Vega is tagged in and he is double dropkicked. Out on the floor Taka is powerbombed and Scott is suplexed off the top and finished.
Okay.
They stomp on him and Owen runs down to the clear the ring.
Highlights from Rumble in 95 with Bam Bam and LT.
Here comes DX with a huge announcement. It is about Paul Bearer and Kane splitting ways. DX is willing to accept Kane with open arms and then introduce him. The lights go out and it is the Undertaker’s music that starts. UT enters the ring and DX is really frightened. UT wants his family left out of it. Shawn needs to be worried about the Rumble and the title and then goozles him and Chyna gets it to and has her up but HHH hits him with a crutch. UT slowly turns to glare at him and Shawn superkicks him in the head and now they assault him. The fans erupt as the lights go out and out comes Kane as the beatdown continues. Kan shoves off HHH and goozles Shawn and HHH hits him and then decides to wisely run off and Kane heads after them with Kane in pursuit. UT is in the ring and staggers to his feet and Kane points at UT and the latter bows down and the fans are really loving it.
There is a Rumble drawing and there are a group of wrestlers in the ring. Shamrock comes down with a purpose and he and Henry slug it out. They stop as the Honkytonk Man comes out and now the brawl starts up again. They are announcing the participants and Cactus Jack comes down and now Austin comes down and he comes in from behind and they do not realize it and one man gets Stunned and they slowly notice but Austin is gone and flips them off as he leaves and the remaining wrestlers beat each other up. Austin heads up the ramp and the Nation is there and with Vega and Austin gets kneed and destroyed.
Final Thoughts: This was better than last week. I found some parts quite amusing. Too bad the wrestling still takes a backseat but at least there was some. It seems that the Rock is coming into his own as that was his best promo yet. I found some parts quite amusing. Too bad the wrestling still takes a backseat but at least there was some. It seems that the Rock is coming into his own as that was his best promo yet. Austin did his thing, I love how wrestlers always look up the ramp and not one out of twenty or so could not turn around! There will be a big pop for LoD at the PPV and hopefully they get the belts back because what would have been the point of all that build. Tyson is clearly adding interest and the fans are really into Kane and UT acting as brothers again even though the Russo swerve is telegraphed a mile away. There is still a lot of work to be done but it was not too bad.