Written by: Tom Hopkins
Welcome to Superstars! I’m your host Vince McMahon and with me with is Roddy Piper! We’re only 6 weeks away from the biggest Wrestlemania EVER! It’s so great we need to move to a smaller venue just so the show will be sold out! Tonight we have a big main event featuring to really fat people who hate each other now but will be teammates shortly!
-Earthquake vs. Typhoon-
Earthquake is a big natural disaster and seeing another fat guy walking down, I suddenly have an idea for a really fat tag team! I don’t know how the ring will hold these two mammoth men?! A shoulderblock leads to Earthquake flexing his muscles. This shoulderblock game is going NOWHERE!! Tugboat is clotheslined down and Tugboat must have a crushed esophagus! Ooooh, another clothesline! Tugboat reverses an Irish Whip and splashes Earthquake in the corner. It was like a typhoon flowing in, Roddy! Earthquake gets wrapped up in the ropes as Jimmy tries to interfere. TURN AROUND REF! Earthquake uses the megaphone and Typhoon is disqualified at 3:21. Earthquake gets the last laugh with a big butt splash. These two guys stunk up the ring so badly it was only natural to tag these two disasters up! DUD!
Forget about being Vince, it was a bad idea anyway. We go to Sean Mooney who gives us a Mr. Perfect promo as well as one from the Model.
-Nasty Boys vs. Mike Williams and Reno Riggins-
I didn’t catch the second guy’s name, and I couldn’t hear over Roddy and Vince, luckily Vince said his name during the match. Jimmy Hart has a stupid motorcycle helmet on. This is Jimmy’s second appearance on the show tonight. The Nasty vow to Nasty-ize the WWE in a pre-recorded comment. Sags and Knobs destroy these two guys, with a slingshot avalanche in the corner taking out Williams. Knobs powerslams Williams and Sags follows with an elbow drop for the pinfall at 2:41.
We head to the update center with the big news being the Macho Man/Ultimate Warrior retirement match that will take place at Wrestlemania.
-Warlord vs. Tom King-
Warlord, managed by Slick, has no entrance music. Warlord controls the much smaller King with power moves as we see the WWF magazine that is available this Tuesday that compares the Warlord to the Bulldog. Warlord hits two backbreakers and follows with a bodyslam. He kills King with a short-arm clothesline and a full nelson ends this at 1:35. ¼*.
We go back to Sean Mooney at the Event Center and more promo’s, including the Texas Tornado (who is after DiBiase and Perfect) and Demolition.
-Jake Roberts vs. Tony Burton-
Tony works the arm really early on and shoulderblocks Jake down. Jake comes right back with a knee-lift. He throws some punches and kicks and a short-arm clothesline leads to a sinister smile from Jake. The fans know that move sets up the DDT and that is what follows, ending this match at 1:45. 1/2* Jake drapes Damien on top of his fallen for after the match.
Now for the highlight of the night; the Brother Love Show! He brings back Sgt. Slaughter to the show and this time Slaughter is the WWE champ. He has nothing to say but he does throw in slime and puke. I really tuned this out to be honest with you.
I love talking, especially on a wrestling show. Luckily, this show is helping me out by showing more of it! It’s Wrestlemania Report time! Hogan goes to see some US troops and holds babies. Yes, Hogan is the All-American. I can tell because of the patriotic music playing and Hogan’s star-spangled bandana. Hogan then cuts a promo saying that in Hogan and God we trust. Wow, I don’t even know where to go with this. Hogan just put himself equal with God. Anyway, Rick Martel didn’t read the fine print and now he has to wrestle a blindfold match against Jake Roberts. Rick is not happy about this. Don’t worry Rick, no one watching the match will like it either. Undertaker will also be destroying; I mean wrestling, Jimmy Snuka. Mr. Perfect will also put his IC title on the line against Big Boss Man, who wants to take out Bobby Heenan and win the title. Warlord will also be squaring off with the British Bulldog. Okerlund also tells us that Instant Replay in the WWE will be discussed by some of the executives and that God Bless America will be sung by Willie Nelson. I don’t like the hard sell and lack of wrestling but can you believe the WWE used to have the matches of Wrestlemania set up by February and not booked the week (or less) before the event!
-Ted DiBiase vs. Len Wagner-
Wagner charges Ted from behind but Ted is onto him and clotheslines him down. He elbows him down and delivers another clothesline The Million Dollar Dream finishes this at 0:42. Ted wrestled the whole match in his tuxedo. That is just too cool for words. DUD.
Let’s go back to Mooney one final time. Power and Glory are after the Hart Foundation. We get a second Boss Man promo, because one an episode is just not enough.
We close with a look at next week’s show, including a Tag Team Battle Royale where the winner’s will take on the Harts at Wrestlemania. Well, I know who won because I just watched WM VII last week. The Harts aren’t scared of anyone.
-The Bottom Line- Wow, take a pass on this one, folks. The charm of last episode was missing from this one, as even the squash matches sucked.