Written by: Tom Hopkins
We’re just in time for National Ice Cream Day! Vince is with his own Ice Cream Bars, WITH nuts. Oh ha ha ha ha! Good one Vinnie Mac! Macho manages to throw in a Rocky Road reference which is only one-upped by Piper’s, “frozen Custard’s last stand.”
-Big Boss Man vs. Louie Spicolli-
Why is Louie famous again? I’ve seen a shoot video of him and I think he had something to do in ECW but I don’t know why he was famous before he died young. Boss Man slugs down Spicolli before setting him on the second rope and charging. The Boss Man Slam ends this at 0:49. Wow, not even a minute. This may be a bad sign for this episode.
The Summerslam Report is brought to you by Wrestlefest 91, which is highlighted by Ultimate Warrior vs. Earthquake. I wouldn’t want to see that match. Gene mentions the Match Made in Heaven and he shows us the invitation to the wedding. There’s only one way to RSVP; ORDER THE PPV! We see clips of Macho in the Barber Shop on Wrestling Challenge to invite all the fans to the wedding. The report seemed to get cut off before we went to the next match. Odd.
-The Nasty Boys vs. Rob Allen & Scott Carlsen-
Rob and Scott are just two very average looking white guys. This is the standard Nasty’s squash. One of the jobbers takes the armpit treatment and the jobbers get a combined zero percent of offense in. Jobber 2 is avalanched by Knobbs before their powerbomb/flying elbow drop combo ends this at 3:03. Don’t let the time fool you, the Nasty’s took a minute after the bell to take their jackets off.
We head to Mooney and he has recorded vignettes from the All-American Hacksaw Jim Duggan and from Power & Glory. I don’t know which of the three wrestlers I dislike the most. We also see another Skinner vignette.
-Ricky Steamboat vs. Tim Patterson-
I could probably cut and paste the last Steamboat squash I saw and put it here and be none the wiser. Patterson takes a top rope tomahawk followed by a top rope crossbody to end this at 1:56.
We have a special interview with General Adnan, Col. Mustafa and Sgt. Slaughter on the stage with Gene Okerlund. The Iraqi’s hype their Summerslam match and of course say Hogan and Warrior will lose. Gene introduces the special guest referee: Sid Justice. The Iraqi’s like this decision until Sid tells them that Justice will be served.
-Virgil vs. Black Knight-
I’m sure there’s a joke to be made about Black Knight wrestling the black wrestler, but I won’t make it. Black Knight is white, by the way, and he misses some roundhouses to start. He’s atomic dropped and then back dropped before being dumped to the outside. Virgil follows with a pescado that looked pretty ugly. He rolls Knight back into the ring and we hear from Ted DiBiase. Speaking of the Million Dollar Man, the Million Dollar Dream ends this at 2:06.
-Warlord vs. Billy Gatlin-
You know it’s bad when the announcers make fun of the jobber before the match even starts. Warlord hits a flying clothesline and I can’t even watch this anymore. The full nelson ends this at 1:53.
We go to Mooney and we hear from Greg Valentine (who says that 1991 has been a banner year for him) and it looks like he’s signed a match with IRS. We also hear from Undertaker.
It’s time for a Summerslam Report now. We hear from Hogan and Warrior about the choice of guest referee. Their promo was pretty funny. Hogan wanted to repeat Warrior at the end and say DESTROOOOY but Warrior added in a YOUUUU that Hogan didn’t anticipate. We also hear from Bret Hart, who is going to battle Mr. Perfect for the IC title, and from Mr. Perfect himself. We hear from Virgil, too. AND THIS JUST SIGNED! The Bushwhackers vs. the Natural Disasters. Andre the Giant will be in the Bushwhacker’s corner. We hear from the Natural Disasters. They don’t sound too worried. Gene tells us to order in advance to avoid busy signals.
-The Beverly Brothers vs. Jim Gorman & Matthew Burns-
It seems like a lot of heels are working today’s show. I have no idea who is who in the ring; both the jobber and the Beverly’s. The Beverly’s rough up the jobbers, something they never did to any team of note in the WWE. Their version of the 3D ends this at 3:10. Did they ever have a name for that?
Let’s head to Sean one more time. He intros promo’s from the Mountie (who promises to put the Boss Man in jail), and the Legion of Doom.
We get a preview for next week, with appearances from Bret Hart, Bezerker, The Mountie, and the Bushwhackers. Jake will be in the Funeral Parlor, too, and I think that would start his heel turn.
-The Bottom Line-
This took a massive dip from last week. At least the matches last week were fun to watch. The Beverly Brothers, a Boss Man match that lasted less than 50 seconds as well as Warlord and Virgil stinking up the ring don’t add up to anything special or even watchable. Throw in an interview with Slaughter and the rest of the Iraqi’s and you have one episode to avoid like the plague.