WWE RAW 5/7/2012
Are you ready? Then stop questioning your heart and join me because it’s time for Monday Night RAW!
John Laurinaitis’ music hits and he makes his way down to the ring. He introduces himself to the crowd and says that last week John Cena embarrassed him. JL says that Brock injured Cena’s arm, and he injured Cena’s pride. He vows to put an end to Cena at Over the Limit. JL will show everyone around the world how skillful and dangerous he can be. He refuses to apologize to Cena for attacking his arm with a steel chair. He claims that he was not reprimanded by the Board of Directors because they understand that he is hard but fair. He says that Cena will not be live at RAW because he wants him to rehab his arm. However, JL is requiring that Cena apologize for making fun of his voice. In fact, anybody who makes fun of Laurinaitis’ voice will face severe consequences. He puts over his success in Japan with a slide show and says that his voice sounds the way it does because of an injury he suffered overseas at the hands of Dr. Death Steve Williams. He says that he was the Hulk Hogan of Japan. Laurinaitis says that his match against Cena will be bigger than any other match in history. He says that he hopes God has mercy on the soul of Cena.
CM Punk’s music hits and he makes his way down to the ring. Punk says that John has no idea what the people want. Punk says that today he is on JL’s side. But, he isn’t just going to tell him what the people want to see; instead he will start by telling him what they don’t want. What the WWE fans don’t want to see is Laurinaitis. Punk says JL wasn’t all that great over in Japan, and he has some more truth to spill. The first is that he put all his chips in Lesnar, and then Cena beat him. Punk says that the reason JL went to Japan is because no one in the States would pay to see it. JL asks if he is finished. The crowd supports Punk with a roar of no. Punk says he is stupid, ugly, and he has no friends. Also, he happens to be a gigantic tool box. JL says that if he wasn’t training for his match with Cena he would pummel him into the ground. Instead, Punk will face another man who went to Japan to hone his skill – Lord Tensai. Punk says he isn’t surprised given that Laurinaitis likes to hide behind other people. Punk can’t wait until Over the Limit to watch Cena demolish him.
# Backstage Laurinaitis is walking while texting and bumps into Big Show. He yells at him for not getting out of the way when his boss is coming. When he walks away Show mocks his voice. Eve walks up and does not look amused.
Cody Rhodes v. The Big Show
They begin to brawl and Show quickly takes the upper hand. Rhodes slides out of the ring and grabs his belt. Show tries to throw him back into the ring, but Rhodes scurries away with his Title.
Winner: The Big Show
STILL IC Champion: Cody Rhodes
Big Show grabs a microphone and calls for Cody to come back, but he walks away.
Eve Torres comes out and gets into the ring. She asks Show to apologize. He asks what for. She says for making fun of John Laurinaitis. He shrugs and says that he is sorry. She says that she asked for an apology and then reminds him that there isn’t much demand for a 40 year old freak like him outside of the business. Show looks downtrodden and says that he apologizes. Eve looks smug as he exits the ring.
Kofi Kingston w/ R-Truth v. Dolph Ziggler w/ Vickie Guerrero & Jack Swagger
Dolph connects with a high drop kick and goes for a cover. Kofi kicks out. Dolph gets behind for a rear headlock. Kofi escapes and then dodges and splash in the corner. Kofi connects with the Boom Drop and then looks for the Trouble in Paradise. Swagger jumps up on the apron for the distraction. Ziggler tries a sneak attack from behind, but Kofi counters into the SOS. Dolph kicks out. Kofi goes to the top rope, but gets pushed off by Swagger. Ziggler hits the Zig Zag and this match is over.
Winner via Zig Zag: Dolph Ziggler
Michael Cole is in the ring and John Cena is on the Titantron. Cena says that a group of doctors have recommended that he stay out of the ring for the next couple of months due to the injury to his arm. Cena says that he doesn’t care because nothing will keep him out of the ring. Cena says that Laurinaitis wasn’t reprimanded because he told the Board that he wanted to face him at Over the Limit. Cole says Cena might be scared because of Laurinaitis’ accomplishments. Cena laughs and says that at Over the Limit he is going to kick his ass!
Kelly Kelly & Layla v. Maxina & Natalya
Kelly Kelly attacks Natalya on the outside of the ring as Beth Phoenix watches from the commentators table. Layla hits a leg and pins Maxina. This match is thankfully over.
Winners: Kelly Kelly & Layla
Chris Jericho & Alberto Del Rio v. Randy Orton & Sheamus
Orton and Del Rio start the match. Orton hits a strong clothesline and goes for a cover. Rio kicks out and quickly goes to work on the arm of Orton. Jericho gets the tag and kicks the arm. Chris backs him into the corner and unloads with several punches. The referee makes him back up. Orton kicks him in the gut and then whips him to the opposite post. Sheamus gets the tag. Jericho tries to leap over him in the corner but Sheamus catches him and kicks him hard in the gut. Sheamus puts him on the apron and clobbers his chest. Del Rio tries to interfere but Sheamus throws him out. The distraction allows Jericho to throw Sheamus shoulder first into the steel post. Sheamus falls out of the ring and Del Rio kicks him for good measure.
Pardon the brief absence as my power decided to be a little jerkface and restart my cable box while I was watching on delayed DVR
Winners: Chris Jericho & Alberto Del Rio
ANDDDDD I’m back
# Chris Jericho, Randy Orton & Alberto Del Rio are in Laurinaitis’ office and are arguing about who should be the new #1 Contender. They all begin to brawl. Sheamus and Orton seem to gain the upper hand, but then argue about the end of the last match.
Brodus Clay comes out and proceeds to have a large dance party in the ring. Miz comes out and tells him to call his momma and tell her that he is awesome.
Brodus Clay v. The Miz
Miz goes right after Brodus, but gets hits with a clothesline. Miz is tossed out of the ring which causes Clay’s dancers to laugh. Clay chases after him and then slide back into the ring. Miz connects with a series of kicks and a boot to the face. Miz stomps on his gut. Cover, but Clay tosses him off. Miz puts him in the corner and hits a high splash. Miz leaps from the top rope for a crossbody but Brodus swats him away. Miz gets back to his feet and locks on a rear headlock. He leaps onto the back of Clay, but Clay tosses him into the middle of the ring. Miz kicks out his leg and hits a DDT. Cover, but Clay tosses him off. Clay punches his way back to his feet, but misses a clothesline. Miz kicks out his leg and then hits a high knee to the jaw. Miz gets behind him and locks on a chinlock. Clay lifts him up for a big side slam. Clay catches Miz off the top rope on crossbody and hits a Sheeplex. Clay connects with a splash and this match is over.
Winner via The Power of Funk: Brodus Clay
Brock Lesnar’s music hits and PAUL HEYMAN! It’s Paul Heyman!!!
He gets into the ring and grabs a mic. He says that he is here tonight as the representative of Brock Lesnar – a man who has been maligned and mistreated by the WWE audience since day one. He says that it is especially true of corporate management. He says that the WWE is different than it was 10 years ago because it is more image conscience now. Heyman says that Lesnar made some reasonable demands for his contract a couple weeks ago which Laurinaitis agreed to. Lesnar feels betrayed by the WWE audience. Heyman says that Lesnar is an honest man. He said he’d be an ass kicking machine and he was. Heyman says he doesn’t need to keep going over Lesnar’s accolades because he has a statement to read from Lesnar himself:
I came back to bring legitimacy to the WWE, that’s exactly what I did. And how was I rewarded? With the same corporate bs and politics that led me to leave eight years ago. I don’t regret what I did to John Cena. I embarrassed him. Another guy I embarrassed was HHH.
The statement goes on to say that he doesn’t care about HHH or the WWE because Lesnar is never coming back. Because Lesnar quits!
# Big Show is backstage with the stars of the new USA show ‘Common Law’. Eve Torres walks into the shot and is still not amused.
CM Punk’s music hits, but Laurinaitis comes out and cuts him off. He says that Punk will now be in a handicap match against Tensai & Daniel Bryan!
CM Punk v. Lord Tensai & Daniel Bryan
Punk is in the ring with Tensai and gets slammed down to the mat. Bryan gets the tag and goes for a pin. Punk kicks out and tries a roll up. Bryan kicks out. Tensai gets the tag and lifts Punk to his feet. Tensai hits a hard double underhook. Punk rolls out of the ring and Tensai follows after and throws him into the steel post.
Both men get back into the ring and Tensai applies a nerve pinch. Punk is slammed to the mat and then hit with a senton. Bryan takes to the top rope after the tag and leaps for a big headbutt. Punk moves out of the way. Punk hits a heelkick to the jaw and follows it with a swinging neckbreaker. Punk takes a second and gets to his feet and hits a bulldog! Punk lifts him up for a GTS, but Bryan scurries off and Tensai tags himself into the ring. Bryan is clotheslined out, but Tensai comes charging in. Tensai hits his double chokeslam and then spits the mist onto his hand! Tensai grips the skull of Punk and then slams him skullfirst into the mat.
Winners: Lord Tensai & Daniel Bryan
After the match, Bryan attacks Punk. He applies the Yes Lock and then taunts the crowd.