WWE Saturday Night’s Main Event XXXIII 7/15/2006
Written by: Matt Peddycord
Saturday Night’s Main Event
July 15, 2006
American Airlines Arena
Your hosts are JR & King = RAW, Cole & JBL = SD!
Hulk Hogan and his daughter, Brooke, kick things off. Of course, the “Hogan” chants are insane. Brooke and Hulk meander on about how great they are until the inevitable happens and Randy Orton’s music plays. He comes down with a rose in hand, ha! He couldn’t help but come down and stand across from the best guy ever and his beautiful daughter Brooke. He hands her the rose on behalf of all the Hulkamaniacs, including himself. Orton brings back the “Legend Killer” persona and makes a challenge to the Hulkster. Hulk accepts because he doesn’t turn down any chances at the big checks no matter how bad of shape he’s in, BROTHER! This would’ve been a lot cooler had they not hyped it for 2-3 weeks. What a waste of what could’ve been a great segment. Hit that sweet Derringer tune!
We get a special video look at the returning Batista. THE BEAST IS UNLEASHED!
King Booker, WWE U.S. Champion Finlay & Mark Henry (w/Sharmell & William Regal) vs. World Champion Rey Mysterio, Batista & Bobby Lashley
JBL calls Lashley the biggest “genetic freak” ever in WWE. Holla if ya hear me. Hahaha, I love how Cole points out that Lashley, Mysterio and Batista all have wins over him so he can’t really say they suck. Lashley dominates Finlay to start the match. He hits Finlay with a belly-to-belly suplex to bring everybody in for a stand-off as we go to a commercial. We return with Rey elbowing out of a chinlock only to take a clothesline. Finlay returns to the chinlock. Rey fights out and hits a quebrada for two as the heels break up the pin. That brings Batista and Lashley in to chase Booker and Henry out of the ring which distracts the ref long enough for Finlay to pull out the crazy leprechaun! He grabs the shillelagh and starts wailing on Mysterio and then slides back under the ring. JBL ~ “We’re gonna book the leprechaun and Tazz in a step-ladder match next!” I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again; JBL is the MAN. Finlay delivers a vertical splash off the ropes for a near-fall and then tags in Booker. He stomps on Rey in the corner and makes the tag to Henry. Let me be sarcastic and mention that I feel the heat for THAT title match. Henry misses a corner splash and gets kicked to the mat. Rey slides over for a tag to Batista, but the ref was distracted by Booker and doesn’t allow the tag. Booker drags Rey into his corner for a double-team mudhole stomping. Rey comes back with a headscissors and slides underneath Finlay and Booker’s legs to make the HOT TAG TO BATISTA! Finlay comes in and gets pulled out by Lashley. After Rey hits the 619 on Booker, Batista hits the DEMON BOMB on him for the 1-2-3! (10:06) Batista looks like he’s lost some weight or something. It served its purpose and stayed fairly solid. **
Vince McMahon pumps up the Spirit Squad for their match so that DX can unknowingly interrupt and do a little production trick by muting what’s going on with Vince and his Squad and making them foolish. They use some middle-school mockery such as, “You guys better come to my dressing room later and take off all my clothes!” That silly DX!
We check out highlights of Diva Bull Riding. Michelle McCool and Victoria made it to the finals which we’ll be seeing later on the show.
WWE Intercontinental Champion Johnny Nitro & Melina vs. Carlito & Trish Stratus
Trish’s hair-do is all scrunchy! I like it, Trish. Melina and Trish start off trading some shots, but Nitro trips up Trish to gain some control. OW! Melina sucks her thumb and pokes Trish in the eye with it! Trish fights back with forearms and gets a lick from Carlito to slap Melina in the chest. Melina runs at Trish and spins her around by her hair and tags in Nitro. Carlito comes in and hits a beautiful dropkick and a wheelbarrow suplex. The girls go at it again and roll out to the floor while Carlito counters a neckbreaker into the BACKCRACKER for the win. (2:47) Not bad for what it was. ½*
They drop down some cages for the eliminated in the elimination match. That is NEXT!
And we’re back! Earlier tonight, Kevin Von Erich (is he the only one left?) made an appearance.
DeGeneration-X vs. Spirit Squad – 2-on-5 Handicap Elimination Match
Shawn gets outnumbered and beat down in the corner until the megaphone comes into play where he avoids a shot and then clears the ring of the SS with it. The SS huddle out on the floor to rethink their strategy, so Hunter comes over and blows an air horn to break it up. Where did he get an air horn? Mitch’s sneak attack on Shawn fails and he takes a superkick to be the first eliminated. Commercial time! We come back to the Squad getting PWNED by dX. Johnny takes a Triple H spinebuster to get eliminated. Kenny hooks up with Michaels and then decides to take a walk. Shawn goes out after him, but it was all a trap as Vince comes out of nowhere and delivers a chairshot to Shawn’s back! Vince directs Kenny to take Shawn back down to the ring, so he does. Kenny tags in Mickey to take over. Shawn fights out of a sleeper with a back suplex. Kenny tags in but misses his GUILLOTINE LEG DROP. HOT TAG TO TRIPLE H! He throws out Mickey and tries a PEDIGREE on Kenny, but Mikey breaks it up. Triple H ducks a double-clothesline and delivers one of his own. PEDIGREE for Mickey and now he’s eliminated. Now it’s even at 2-on-2. Mikey eats a superkick out of nowhere as Triple H covers for the easy elimination. Triple H sets up Kenny for the HBK flying elbow and it connects. Shawn hits SWEET CHIN MUSIC on Kenny right into the PEDIGREE from Triple H for the win. (8:58) They made the Spirit Squad look like the single smallest threat to the wrestling world has ever seen. Vince knocks out the referee and tries to unleash the SS on dX, but then Shawn superkicks him into the cage with them. ½*
Next up, a hype video for Sabu as he makes his broadcast television debut!
But wait, Great Khali and Daivari are in the ring. Daivari says the Undertaker’s legacy will be buried at the Great American Bash until Big Show’s music plays! He’s the other ECW World Champion besides Rhino. He and Paul Heyman seem pretty impressed with Khali. He gloats about being the only WCW, WWE and ECW world titles. Show says he has to find out who the real giant is, but that’s not why he’s here. He’s here to put him over by dominating the Undertaker. BONG! The lights go dim and here comes the Undertaker. Cole calls the Show/Taker feuds of the past “legendary”. Let’s not overuse that word. It holds a lot of wrestling. Show gets out of the way like he wants no part of the Undertaker, so Khali and Taker trade blows. Taker clotheslines Khali out to the floor and then turns around to face the Big Show. Show begs off and tells Taker to go after Khali, but then nails him from behind. They trade blows until Taker GOOZLES him and then Khali comes in and he gets GOOZLED! There’s no way that’s happening, so Show and Khali GOOZLE Taker for a double-chokeslam!
In the back, Todd Grisham stops Big Show for a word. Show makes a challenge to the Taker this Tuesday for his ECW title. Ohh man, when is this WWE interference in ECW going to stop? Plus, out of all the matches the world would want to see, this is NOT it.
Sabu vs. Stevie Richards – ECW “Extreme Rules” Match
Styles and Tazz commentate on this one. Sabu clocks Richards in the face with a chair and then hits Air Sabu, followed by the TRIPLE-JUMP MOONSAULT. Sabu covers for two and then goes out to bring in a table. Stevie tries to take advantage while Sabu sets up the table in the ring, but then misses a corner charge. Sabu lays Richards on the table and delivers a diving chairshot for the win. (2:03) Totally unnecessary. Post-match, Sabu gives Stevie an Arabian Facebuster and then threatens to beat up the ref. CRAP
We go to the back and catch Randy Orton talking to Brooke while Joey Styles shills Brooke’s new CD and introduces her video with Paul Wall, “About Us”. There is nothing that separates her from any other pop diva besides the fact that she’s Hulk’s daughter. After the video, Randy is still talking to Brooke as Hulk comes in to make the save. As Hulk goes around the car to get in, Randy sneaks up from behind with an RKO on the trunk of his car! Just like a dumb blonde, Brooke rushes out of the car to check on her dad and has no clue of what just went down.
The finals of the bull-riding contest see Michelle McCool win with a time of 0:12. Victoria blames the mechanical bull for her loss.
Edge/Cena video package is played.
WWE Champion Edge (w/Lita) vs. John Cena
Edge fakes a walk-out immediately and baits Cena out to the floor to beat him down. Back in, Cena charges at Edge on the apron and gets low-bridged out to the floor as we go to a break. Man, what’s with all the infomercials during this show? I feel like I’m watching TV at 3am or something. We return to Edge taking Cena down with a clothesline. Edge sets up Cena for a superplex and then botches it by slipping on the top rope! OUCH! Both men are down. They’re up at six trading blows. Edge delivers a clothesline and a yakuza kick to the face for 1, 2, NO! They’re trading blows again to “YAY!” and “BOO!” reactions from Dallas. Cena wins that and hits a pair of clotheslines. Next up, Cena delivers a shoulderblock and the Protobomb, followed by the Five-Knuckle Shuffle. He hits the FU, but Lita pulls the ref out of the ring. While Cena admonishes Lita, Edge sets up the SPEAR. Cena avoids it and applies the STFU! As the ref tries to get back in the ring, Lita pulls him out and pops him in the face. Even though Edge is tapping out, ref Mike Chioda calls for the bell anyway and DQ’s Edge. (7:55) Cena thinks he’s won until he hears the official word from the ring announcer and he cannot BELIEVE it. Cena may have won but he still takes a SPEAR before it’s all over. As Edge and Lita pose with the belt, Cena leaps out on top of Edge and beats the ever-living crap out of him. We close with Cena delivering an FU to Edge from the STEEL STEPS through an announce table! That was the moment of the night right there. **¼
Final Thoughts: It’s like I said about the March edition of SNME; there’s no legitimate reason for this show as long as we have Raw, Smackdown and ECW every week. These shows are supposed to mean something and I didn’t feel like it meant anything when you consider 4/5 matches are squashes which is nothing special. Don’t get me wrong, I was entertained. But it’s just like watching weekly single-brand main events. It just felt to me like NBC gave them a slot for no particular reason but because that they didn’t have anything else really to show. Oh well, it’s summertime! Nobody is watching this stuff anyway except us nerdy internet people. OMG PWNT ROFL!