WWF Superstars 7/12/1991
Written by: Tom Hopkins
We start this episode with a recap of last week’s big event: Macho Man proposing to Elizabeth. We go to our regular opening before we join our hosts in Sacramento, California. Macho’s still happy about the proposal and Roddy congratulates him in only a way he could.
-British Bulldog vs. Ed Moretti-
Moretti is a real fat-ass, looking more like a drunken bastard than a wrestler. Stunningly, Vince and the guys make fun of how big Moretti is. Moretti is arm-dragged and is tossed to the corner. Moretti locks a full nelson on Moretti and Bulldog counters. Moretti is backdropped and Bulldog goes for the reverse chinlock, because hey, 90 seconds is a lot to get one winded and in need of a resthold. Bulldog dropkicks Moretti into the corner before going to another chinlock. Bulldog clotheslines Moretti in the corner before ending this with a powerslam at 2:49. Why is it that Bulldog’s squash matches always included rest-holds in them? They take that away and you’d have a two-minute match that wouldn’t be a waste to watch.
We already saw the Macho/Liz stuff in the opening but memories can fade in 6 minutes so we see it again. That’s the match made in heaven. We see some hype for the match made in hell: Ultimate Warrior & Hulk Hogan vs. Sgt. Slaughter, Col. Mustafa and General Adnan. We hear from the Ultimate Hulkamaniacs, and Hulk has some weird face-mask on.
-The Natural Disasters vs. Koko B. Ware & Bo Richmond –
I’ve never seen Koko in a squash match like this. He avoids Earthquake to start and even gets a few shots in. Koko dropkicks Earthquake to no effect. Koko tags in his partner (who hasn’t been announced yet) as we hear from the Bushwhackers. This guy is just crushed by the two of them, getting avalanched in the corner by Quake and powerslammed down. He is butt-splashed and then splashed by Typhoon to end this at 3:22. At least they were able to protect Koko B. Ware. They finally announced the jobber’s name after he was demolished. We’ve actually had 6 minutes worth of matches today which is pretty high.
We head to Mooney and he intro’s promo’s from Jake Roberts (who is a master at these types of promo’s) and the Beverly Brothers. They are the most feared duo from Shaker Heights, Ohio. Neither the coach nor the Bevs had good speaking skills, and they couldn’t wrestle, and that’s why they never got over.
-Hacksaw Jim Duggan vs. Mike Starr-
Mike Starr puts his tongue through his teeth while he’s introduced which is quite disturbing. Have I mentioned how much I dislike Hacksaw Jim Duggan? Talk about one-dimensional. He was a super-patriot who had the three-point clothesline and a slice of wood. McMahon calls Starr an, “ugly-looking blonde haired wildebeest.” Vince is just evil tonight. Starr is dumped to the outside and Hacksaw, ever the all-American, pulls off the padding at ringside and slams Starr’s face into the concrete. The clothesline mercifully ends this at 2:11. What a waste of 2 minutes.
We head back to Sean Mooney, who I hear the WWE is considering bringing back to the WWE. I don’t know why they’d do that but I don’t watch the product anymore anyway so I don’t really care. We hear promo’s from the Bezerker (w/Mr. Fuji) and the Texas Tornado.
-Million Dollar Man Ted DiBiase vs. Buddy Wayne –
DiBiase shoulderblocks Wayne down before hiptossing him and clotheslining him to the mat. He suplexes Wayne and taunts Virgil in the process. Wayne is dumped to the outside and Sherri gets her cheap shots in. Wayne is powerslammed and the Million Dollar Dream ends this at 2:14. I always like watching DiBiase work, though his good matches were now getting much farther apart.
It’s Funeral Parlor Time! Bearer brings out the #1 contender to the Tag Team Titles: The Legion of Doom. The LoD want to send Bearer some new clients: The Nasty Boys. That was about it, too.
Hey look, it’s Skinner!
-IRS vs. Scott Harrelson-
IRS calls out all the tax cheats, including Roddy Piper. Harrelson is dumped to the outside before coming in with an elbow from the top rope. Macho asks Roddy how he has six kids and Roddy says they don’t call him Hot Rod for nothing. That was funny. IRS hooks Scotty in an abdominal stretch and uses the ropes to cheat. He follows with a double underhook suplex before ending with a Samoan Drop at 2:47.
We head to the Summerslam Hype Machine known as Mean Gene Okerlund. We have some new matches to announce, including Bret Hart vs. Mr. Perfect for the IC title. We hear from Hart. Ted DiBiase is squaring off against Virgil (who cuts yet another rambling promo).
-Mr. Perfect vs. Larry Luden-
If they announced the jobbers name I must’ve missed it. Perfect slaps the guy around and flaunts around in the ring. Larry attacks Perfect from behind but that doesn’t go too well for him. Perfect necksnaps before chopping away at him in the corner. Luden tries a monkey flip from the corner but gets caught with an abdominal. And now you’re gonna see the Perfect Plex. This one is all over at 2:51.
Let’s head to Sean one more time. We hear from Warlord (w/Slick) and the Rockers. They claim they are the best uncrowned tag team champs.
We get a preview for next week, with appearances from The Beverly Brothers, Dragon and an appearance by the Nasty Boys. We’ll also hear from Jack Tunney about who the special guest referee will be.
-The Bottom Line-
16 minutes of actual wrestling on a show like this is quite impressive and it made the show actually have a bit of flow to it. The matches certainly didn’t set the world on fire but at least they were there. Plus having DiBiase, Perfect and IRS work on one show is always a plus.