Written by: Arnold Furious
“Fat” Tony Schiavone welcomes us to Starrcade. He’s joined by Mike Tenay and Bobby “The Brain” Heenan. Apparently Goldberg is 173-0. Tony calls it the biggest WCW title match of all time. Strangely enough he said that before every show and every Nitro. In fact the very next night after this he called the main event the biggest WCW title match of all time. Bischoff has banned the 4 Horsemen from the arena tonight which means no Chris Benoit match. I hate Bischoff.
WCW Cruiserweight title – Kidman (c) v Juventud Guerrera v Rey Mysterio Jnr
Juvi and Rey are both in the ‘Latino World Order’. Rey is somewhat reluctant to acknowledge this however. Kidman and Rey double team Juvi. Rey with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. Juvi gets whipped into the corner and Kidman hits a massive drop kick. Sweet move. Rey hits the Bronco Buster. Rey hits Kidman by mistake and now it’s everyone for themselves. Kidman and Rey fight over who’s going to superplex Juvi and it ends up with Rey on Kidman’s shoulders. Juvi goes for the crossbody but Rey goes into a victory roll which Kidman blocks and he powers Rey up and slams him on the fallen Juvi. Rey gets a near fall from it. Kidman goes for a wheelbarrow suplex on Juvi but Juvi counters into a bulldog and gets a nearby Rey Jnr with one too. Juvi covers both men but they both kick out. Kidman goes for a powerbomb on Rey but Rey reverses into a rana attempt – Kidman throws him off and Juvi catches him, Rey reverses a charge into the corner and Juvi escapes a waist lock so Kidman derails him with a clothesline. Rey with a facebuster on Kidman. Juvi dumps Kidman and back drops Rey on top of him. Juvi with a springboard plancha and he corrected himself on the top rope Sabu-style. Juvi comes off the ropes and gets drop kicked by both faces. Kidman gets Rey up on his shoulders again and Juvi hits a springboard rana on Rey – off Kidman’s shoulders. Nice. Kidman with a swinging bulldog on Juvi and at the same time he kicks Rey in the face. Sidewalk slam on Juvi from Kidman. Kidman misses with a frog splash. Rey hits a springboard moonsault on Juvi. Rey ranas Juvi off the ring apron to the floor. Ouch. Kidman suplexes Rey back in. Kidman drops a leg Matt Hardy style. Kidman with a big powerbomb on Juvi. Rey and Kidman improvise a couple of reversals and Kidman gets bulldogged. Juvi with a sweet over the shoulder backbreaker on Rey. Tope Con Hilo from Rey. Asai moonsault off the top rope by Rey. Awesomeness. Rey with a springboard rana on Juvi. Juvi Driver on Rey and Kidman has to break it up – nice timing. “Don’t try this at home you’ll wreck the furniture” – Heenan. Juvi puts Kidman on the top rope and Rey comes out of nowhere, Juvi ducks and Rey hits an awesome top rope rana. Kidman with a sit down powerbomb on Juvi. Rey ranas Juvi over the ropes. Kidman goes upstairs and hits a shooting star press to the floor. The Mexicans are a little close to the ring and Kidman nearly knocks himself out. Eddie Guerrero has come out. Kidman has Juvi pinned and Eddie turns it over. Rey makes the save with a drop kick but inadvertantly causes Kidman to pin Juvi for the 3 at 14.53. Cool match plus Eddie Guerrero’s facial expressions after Kidman won were tremendous. ****1/2.
Eddie browbeats the Mexicans and runs down Kidman as a “pretty boy creampuff”. He tells the lWo members that he’ll show them how it’s done himself. Kidman comes back out and excepts the challenge for the belt right now.
WCW cruiserweight title – Kidman (c) v Eddie Guerrero
Juvi stays to be in Eddie’s corner despite the fact that Eddie just called him a moron. Rey stays to be in Kidman’s corner. Eddie has an awesome mullet. Powerbomb from Eddie scores an early 2 count. Chops. Farewell from Eddie. Abdominal stretch from Eddie and Juvi helps him cheat. Rey breaks up the cheating. Eddie gets in the face of Rey. Kidman slingshots back in and scores a rana. Eddie goes for another farewell but Kidman has it scouted and hits a drop kick. Juvi distracts Kidman and Eddie chop blocks him. Submission hold of some sort from Eddie (I seriously haven’t got a clue what to call it I think he’s making it up as he goes along). Kidman hits a bulldog. Eddie jawbreakers his way out of a sleeper hold. Eddie takes his boot off and waffles Kidman. The ref doesn’t think it’s odd that Eddie has lost a boot and Kidman is knocked out. Eddie tries to put the boot back on then throws it at Juvi. Kidman kicks out. Brainbuster from Eddie. Eddie heads upstairs (with one boot on). Kidman comes back with a superplex. Eddie drop kicks the knee and starts working the body part over. Version of a leg lock from Eddie (he’s making these up). Rey has Eddie’s boot and he waffles Juvi with it to stop him from interfering. Lovely rope assisted rana from Eddie. Eddie goes for the powerbomb but when will people learn – you can’t powerbomb Kidman. Kidman follows through and connects with a facebuster. Scoop slam and a slingshot leg drop from Kidman. Eddie blocks a top rope rana and Kidman lands on his neck. Eddie gets pushed off the top rope though but Juvi prevents Kidman hitting the shooting star. Rey crotches Eddie as he tries for the superplex again and Kidman hits the shooting star press at 10.47. ****. Another good match. Kidman just went nearly 30 minutes. Heenan calls it “well over 30 minutes”. Sure it is.
We get a really, really poor video package of the Nash-Goldberg feud.
Norman Smiley v Prince Iaukea
I hear Norman asking “who’s your Daddy?” Prince with a dragon screw and a drop kick. Prince with a senton off the apron to the floor. Back inside and a snap suplex from Prince. Smiley goes for a front hammerlock. Short arm scissors and Smiley is working the arm. Smiley hangs Prince on the ropes and does the Big Wiggle. Scoop slam. Norman has an interesting mix of styles. Triangle hold on the neck of Prince. Mike Tenay points out he’s actually done his research and reels off a list of facts about Smiley. Smiley drives a knee into the head of Prince. Smiley with a double foot stomp to the stomach of Prince. Almost into a Regal Stretch from Smiley. Smiley blocks a suplex and hits one of his own (dead weight – nice). Double underhook into a slam from Smiley. Prince is down for 3 but had his foot on the rope. Smiley goes for an armbar but Prince fights out. Drop toe hold from Smiley. Big Wiggle. Prince comes back with a belly to belly straight into a pin which Smiley kicks out of. Smiley with a body scissors and then rolls through into a armlock Smiley locks up a leg again and sits down on the wrist. Norman Smiley is submission wrestling. Double stomp again. Prince with what looked like a low blow. Smiley with a stiff shot to the cheek of Prince. Another big wiggle. Snapmare from Prince and a crossbody off the ropes which Smiley reverses for a 2. Prince goes for a backslide but Smiley comes out of it straight into a crossface chickenwing dubbed ‘The Norman Conquest’. Prince escapes and Smiley slaps it on again. Sloppy finish. Smiley wins by tap out at 11.30. ***. A little longer than they should have gone but it did put the wrestlers over. Although Prince Iaukea didn’t really deserve it.
Scott Hall comes out unannounced with an “Outsiders” shirt on. “Hey Yo”. Hall ‘shoots’ about how he’s had a bad year (marriage break up, drinking problems, injuries etc). Hall says he has nothing to prove to anyone but himself. He also talks about Nash. Wonder who’s going to interfere in the main event?
We get some footage of Bam Bam Bigelow breaking into the WCW arena from last week. He assaults Scott Hall and challenges Nash and Goldberg. Apparently it ended up as main event on Nitro which ended in a DQ. God, Nitro sucked.
Saturn v Ernest “The Cat” Miller w/Sonny Onoo
I’ve just noticed how bad the WCW entrance videos are – they’re all just a piece of paper with the name of whoever is coming in floating on a fuzzy background. Miller gives Saturn 5 seconds to get out of the ring so Saturn drops him with a right hand. Saturn goes for the Rings of Saturn early on which Miller reverses into a pin for a 2 count. Saturn keeps Miller down and gets a few 2 counts. Miller with a superkick. They compare Saturn to Mad Dog Vachon on commentary. Saturn catches a Miller heel kick and suplexes him out of it. Rolling Thunder suplex from Saturn and a swinging neckbreaker. Saturn goes for a top rope axe handle and Miller superkicks him again. Saturn goes for a t-bone and Miller hits another kick. Onoo comes in and miscues a kick to Miller. Miller decks Onoo and Saturn puts him out with a Death Valley Driver. Saturn wins it at 7.06. **. Lots of stalling and Miller looked greener than cabbage.
Mean Gene Okerlund interviews Ric Flair. WCW keep the music playing while Okerlund is talking. Dumbasses that’s a basic mistake. Flair tells Bischoff that he’s going to make him bleed. Not a great promo. Woo. We get a replay of Kevin Nash powerbombing Bischoff through the stage and other nWo history bits. Bischoff really was an asshole. Still it’s one of the better WCW video packages I’ve ever seen. Shame it’s about Bischoff.
Scott Steiner and Buff Bagwell threaten K-Dawg backstage and Lex Luger breaks it up. In the arena the nWo music cranks up.
Brian Adams/Scott Norton w/Vincent v Jerry Flynn/Fit Finlay
Flynn has the worst mullet ever and isn’t Jerry Lynn. D’Oh. Fit eats a big Adams boot and then takes a clothesline in the corner. Fit with what looks like a butt splash. Norton tags in. Powerslam on Fit and Flynn tags in but Norton clotheslines them both. Norton misses an avalanche and Flynn hits a spin kick in the corner. Adams has tagged back in. Vincent with a cheap shot on Flynn and Adams scores with a tilt-a-whirl backbreaker. The commentary team is obsessed with talking about the main event. This is as bad as watching Thunder. I guess theres just no way to make this match interesting. Adams hits a piledriver on Finlay. Norton tags in with a DDT and a hangman’s neckbreaker. Avalanche and Finlay is down. The commentary team is still talking about the main event. Fit with a jawbreaker and a DDT. The crowd has absolutely died. Press gutbuster from Adams. All 4 men are in. Norton powerbombs Flynn and it’s over (thankfully) at 8.55. *. Filler. Not even very good filler.
Gene Okerlund interviews Eric Bischoff. Easy E apologises for all the pain he’s caused. I start my own personal “bullshit” chant. Eric tells the fans to cheer for Flair because he’s broke. He claims Flair has been wrestling for 104 years. Horrible promo. Asshole.
WCW TV title – Chris Jericho v Konnan (c)
Jericho is accompanied by Ralphus (an old fat guy who works as Jericho’s personal security). Konnan is actually the champ but Jericho has the belt. Jericho says he doesn’t understand what Konnan says. Jericho is actually over despite being a heel. Konnan raps on the way down to the ring. Is it just me or does Konnan suck?
They run a couple of quick sequences before Jericho misses a missile drop kick. “These 2 young men are the future of this sport” – Tenay. Well one of them anyway. Konnan gets posted on the floor. Jericho mugs for the crowd. Lovely suplex from Jericho and a ‘cocky’ pin. Reverse chinlock? Jericho is out of ideas at 2.47. Chops in the corner. Scoop slam. Jericho misses off the top. Konnan with a rolling clothesline and a big ass spinebuster. He follows through for a near fall. Pretty lionsault by Jericho. Springboard crossbody to the floor and Jericho lands on the ring steps. Jericho counters a powerbomb into a liontamer but Konnan grabs the ankles. Ref bump and Jericho with a belt shot. By the time the ref comes back Konnan kicks out. X-Factor from Konnan. Tequilla sunrise and Jericho taps out at 7.17. You’re kidding me. **. A demonstration, if you will, as to why Jericho walked out on WCW. Good call.
On WCW.com they’re talking to the Giant. Giant gets pissed off and walks out on the interview.
Ric Flair v ‘Easy E’ Eric Bischoff
Shockingly Flair starts out with chops. Flair starts into the dirty tricks by fish hooking the mouth. Woo. Flair just stomps the hell out of Bischoff in the corner and he sells a bogus knee injury. Flair decides to work over that knee just in case it’s real. Flair gets distracted by the referee and Bischoff blindsides Flair with a karate kick. Bischoff mounts Flair and wails away. Flair hits a low blow. Hehe. Dirtiest player in the game. Another low blow. And another. Bischoff has his shirt ripped off and he’s the whitest man in America. Flair clocks the referee. Flair hits the ‘shattered dreams’. Side suplex. Bischoff is crawling around on the mat. Flair is busted open. How? Vertical suplex from Flair. Figure 4 leglock in the middle of the ring and Flair is talking to the referee. Curt Hennig runs in and gives Bischoff something and he clocks Flair with it. Bischoff goes over at 7.07. Way to book a feud dumbass. 1/2*.
We get a recap of the DDP-Giant feud which centres around Bret Hart. Way to book a feud poindexter. Where is Bret Hart anyway? Giant chokeslams DDP through a stage on Nitro last week. Will DDP be fit to go to Starrcade? Of course he will.
The Giant v Diamond Dallas Page
DDP has been working on a new way to do the Diamond Cutter. They spit on each other and DDP starts using his speed to dodge Giant moves. DDP goes for the Diamond Cutter after 40 seconds but Giant powers out. Giant clotheslines DDP out of the ring and then clotheslines him on the floor. DDP with a trash can. Giant punches it and DDP clocks him around the head with it. DDP takes a bump into the ring steps. Giant starts working the shoulder of DDP in an attempt to take away the Cutter. Giant press slams DDP back inside. Giant starts working the knee. He’s not a psychology master. The crowd is completely dead because Giant is running through offence in super slo-mo. Bearhug. DDP goes for the cutter out of nowhere and Giant hits him with a powerslam. Giant won’t cover him for the 3. Another bearhug. Yawn. DDP french kisses Giant to break the hold (ok he bit him but it looked like a french kiss). DDP goes for a sunset flip. Dumbass. Double chokehold into a backbreaker from Giant and that could have snapped his spine. Leaping DDT out of nowhere from DDP. Ref bump. Bret Hart comes out selling a leg injury (like only Bret can) and guess what? He gets the single biggest pop of the night so far. WCW suck. Bret miscues the chair shot and nails the Giant to a massive pop. I’m not being biased because it’s Bret, honest. Giant doesn’t sell the chair. Bret has re-injured the knee and bails. DDP hits a shoulder block from the top and calls for the Cutter. DDP gets caught in the chokeslam. Low blow from DDP. Giant for the Superchokeslam and DDP hits a Diamond Cutter from nowhere at 12.44 to win it. Cool reversal in mid air. *1/2. Far too long. Tony Schiavone calls Bret a lame brain. Tony really is the worst commentator of all time.
WCW title – Goldberg (c) v Kevin Nash
We have to sit through Michael Buffer’s intros. I hate Buffer he’s a terrible intro man. Backstage, on his way out, Goldberg signs an autograph for a little kiddie. I don’t know if I can review this match because I absolutely loathe both men but I’ll give it my best shot. That freaky “Goldberg” chant gets going. Nash works a side head lock for about a minute so Goldberg side suplexes out of it. I don’t if Goldberg realises that used to be a big Nash move. So in a way that was psychology but I doubt it was intentional. The commentators are still hyping the match up even after it’s started. Why? Because there’s nothing happening in the ring. Kevin Nash very nearly puts on an armbar. Woah. Goldberg goes for an ankle lock and Nash breaks it in the ropes. Spear at just under 6 minutes. Nash hits a low blow to a big pop. Sidewalk slam from Nash. Well both these guys are out of moves. Time for a finish. 2 minutes later…Goldberg hits a neckbreaker and what looked like a different version of the jackhammer. Goldberg with a kick to the face of Nash. Ugly powerslam from Goldberg. Goldberg with the worst spinning heel kick…ever. Disco does a run in. Spear. Bam Bam Bigelow does a run in. Clothesline over the ropes. Goldberg tees up a spear for Big Lazzy. One of the security guards is on the apron – it’s Scott Hall. Hall uses a real tazer on Goldberg and the bitch goes down. Jack Knife. Goodbye streak. Nash pins at 11.21. *. Not as bad as it could have been. But still atrocious.
Best matches –
3. Norman Smiley v Prince Iaukea. Yes, the Prince made the top 3. That’s how bad the second half of the show was. The first 3 matches were the only ones worth watching on the whole card. How like WCW.
2. Kidman v Eddie Guerrero. If they had any more cruiserweights in the back they should have brought them out because the show went downhill real fast after they left.
1. Kidman v Rey Jnr v Juvi. Inspired high flying action. Interesting for 15 minutes without missing a beat. A testament to how good these cruiserweights are.
Overall PPV rating – C.
The first match was great and it was downhill from there. The higher up the card we got the worse the matches got. That was the biggest problem in WCW – if you had good matches you actually got less money. When DDP v Giant is your best main event you’ve got problems. Why didn’t the WWF snap up all the WCW cruiserweights when they bought WCW out and make a cruiserweight show? There really was no other reason to watch.