Dave Stephens has family commitments tonight, so this is Wrestleview’s premier Canadian, and co-host of Wrestleview Telemundo, every Tuesday night on the Wrestleview Radio Network. If Dave were here, though, I know he’d want you to stop questioning your heart and join me for episode #997 of Monday Night RAW!
Michael Cole welcomes us to Laredo, Texas, saying that we’re just three weeks away from the “never been done before” 1000th episode. America’s Most Wanted is not impressed. Oh, and Teddy Long is tonight’s General Manager.
John Cena is out first, to a decidedly positive reaction. Cena says that after what Jericho & Big Show did to him last week, he could come out steaming mad, but he’s not. He thanked Chris Jericho this week for giving him a lesson in what he’s going to have to deal with in Money in the Bank, since he’s never been in that match before. At Money in the Bank, there are no friends, only enemies. Cena says that he has to be ready for anything at MITB, and he will be. Two things will happen at MITB: Big Show will go home empty handed, and he will win the briefcase, before becoming the WWE Champion again.
YES! YES! YES! Daniel Bryan comes out to no music, and Cena makes a joke about the chant, saying that even Daniel Bryan agrees with him. Bryan says he didn’t even know Cena was out there, but he’s fired up because he’s going to become the new WWE Champion, and if Cena gets his hands on the briefcase, he’ll become the first person to cash it in and lose.
The sound tech must be on a smoke break, because CM Punk is out with no music as well. Punk leads the crowd, Cena, and Jerry Lawler in chanting YES, because they disagree with what Daniel Bryan said. Bryan is none to pleased with everyone stealing his line, and not having a single original thought, but Punk cuts him off saying that Bryan’s ex-girlfriend AJ will be the referee of their title match, and will count Bryan’s shoulders down to the mat. How’s that for an original thought?
Smoke break is over, as Jericho comes out to music. He tells Bryan to not get upset about people stealing his material, because everyone steals from Y2J. Bryan just needs to come up with some new catchphrases. He then demonstrates a few of his old favourites. Jericho reminds us that he invented Money in the Bank, and he’s going to win. He dares ANYONE to tell him otherwise.
Kane’s pyro explodes, and he gets into Jericho’s face, saying one word: “Otherwise.” I see what he did there. Big Show then steps out from behind the curtain, but before he makes it to the ring, everyone starts brawling. Big Show wins the impromptu game of King of the Hill, leaving everyone laid out on the mat, and on the floor.
Charlie Sheen will be the Social Media Ambassador for the 1000th episode of Raw. He’s got over 7 million Twitter followers. That’s not too shabby at all.
8-Man Tag Team Match
Primetime Players (Darren Young & Titus O’Neil), David Otunga, and Cody Rhodes vs. Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Christian, and Santino Marella
Christian and Darren Young start things out. Christian grabs the early advantage, hitting a missile dropkick for a near fall. He tags in R-Truth, who hits some right hands, and does his little break dancing thing. In comes Kofi Kingston with a springboard crossbody. He sets up for a Boom Drop, but Titus O’Niel pulls his partner out of the ring. Kofi hits a suicide dive, before all 8 men gather for a standoff, shouting unpleasant things at each other.
Cody Rhodes has Kofi down on the mat. He gives him a knee to the gut in the ropes, and tags to Titus. Kofi fights back, but gets stopped with a bodyslam. A.W. is telling Kofi to stay down. Kofi breaks free and makes the tag to Santino, as Otunga also get the tag. Santino catches Otunga with a suplex, goes for the pin, but everyone enters the ring. A.W. leads the Primetime players away, and Santino hits a hip toss. Otunga tries to tag Cody Rhodes, but Cody walks out on him. Brodus Clay’s music hits, and Otunga’s going to have to call his momma. Otunga tries to get away, but Brodus Clay tosses him into the ring, straight into a Cobra from Santino, for the win.
Winners via Cobra: Kofi Kingston, R-Truth, Christian, and Santino Marella
After the bell, Otunga takes a few more finishers, punctuated by a big splash from Brodus Clay. The Funkasaurus then leads everyone in a dance, including a bunch of kids from the audience.
Teddy Long is dancing in his office, when Alberto Del Rio comes in. He tells Teddy that he earned a World Heavyweight title match three months ago, but he’s never gotten a one-on-one match with Sheamus. He tells Long that that’s unfair, but Teddy doesn’t want to hear it. He informs Del Rio that the Board of Directors have made him #1 contender, and he’ll face Sheamus at Money in the Bank. That was the Board’s decision, but Teddy’s decision is that tonight he’ll face… “Teddy’s Surprise”.
Stephanie McMahon leads us through a montage of Shane training daddy Vince for a match with Stone Cold Steve Austin, back in 1999.
Ricardo Rodriguez announces Alberto Del Rio to the ring for his match with “Teddy’s Surprise”. With a lot of Mexican-Americans (and non-Americans) in the crowd, they give him a lot of heat, chanting something in Spanish at him. They EXPLODE when Sin Cara’s music hits.
Teddy’s Surprise Match
Alberto Del Rio vs. Sin Cara
Del Rio blindsides Sin Cara as he enters the ring, and obliterates him with a flurry of strikes. He slaps a Cross Armbreaker on Sin Cara, on the floor. This match never gets started.
Result: No Contest
AJ is in a hall in the back, wearing CM Punk-style straight edge wrist bands. Daniel Bryan approaches and gives her a rose. AJ says she’s sure that this has nothing to do with her being the referee of his title match. She says that he doesn’t care about her, and never cared about her. She’s going to win her match tonight, and can’t wait to run into the arms of the man that the WWE Universe sees as her soulmate. She then bites the head off the rose, and walks away. Guess she’s an Ozzy Osbourne fan.
After the break, Paul Heyman joins us via satellite, with Brock Lesnar’s response to Triple H’s challenge for Summerslam.
On the Great American Bash edition of Super Smackdown, live tomorrow night, there will be a big battle royal, featuring all the top stars of both Raw and Smackdown.
Live from Stanford, Connecticut, Paul Heyman lets us know that Brock Lesnar has come to a decision about Triple H’s challenge, and he’ll deliver it to Triple H in person, at the 1000th episode of Raw. Heyman says that Triple H’s motivations for wanting to fight Brock Lesnar aren’t what he says they are. It’s not about the money, but so that Triple H can be put out to pasture once and for all, before heading off to his corporate job. Triple H wants to go out in a blaze of glory. If Brock Lesnar takes the match, it will be a mercy killing. Heyman can barely contain his excitement, at the thought.
EXCUSE ME! Vickie Guerrero introduces the crowd to the Queen Diva, Vickie Guerrero. Oh, and that Dolph Ziggler guy, too.
Mixed Tag Team Match
Vickie Guerrero & Dolph Ziggler vs. AJ & Sheamus
Vickie shoved AJ before the bell, and AJ snapped. The gentlemen start this match out. They exchange go-behinds, before Ziggler catches Sheamus with a dropkick. He grabs the arm and punches away at it. Sheamus tosses him off a couple times, and hits an Irish Hammer (or Polish Hammer). Ziggler is able to regain control, and plants Sheamus with a big DDT. He grounds Sheamus with a rear chinlock. Sheamus fights out, and lands a HUGE forearm, then drops Ziggler with White Noise. He loads up for a Brogue Kick, but Ziggler tags in Vickie Guerrero. Sheamus hits the Brogue kick anyway. AJ drills Vickie with a shining wizard for the victory.
Winners via Shining Wizard: AJ & Sheamus
AJ grabs a microphone, and skips to the back chanting YES.
AJ is in the back looking for CM Punk. She finds him on the phone. She asks if he saw her match, but he was talking to his sister (Hi Dave Stephens). AJ is PISSED that he didn’t see her match, and storms off.
Heath Slater is in the ring, and Michael Cole’s voice is cracking. We get a Heath Slater high… lowlight package, of his run-ins with the legends of Raw, the past few weeks. Back live, Slater has a microphone, and tells everyone that he is not a clown. This, of course, brings out Doink the Clown.
Blast from the Past Match
Heath Slater vs. Doink the Clown
Doink grabs a hammerlock, and hits a forearm. Slater takes control with a kick to the gut, and catches Doink with a running knee. Doink stomps on Slater’s toe, and works him in the corner. Slater sends Doink to the opposite turnbuckle, and finishes him off with a running neckbreaker.
Winner via Running Neckbreaker: Heath Slater
Diamond Dallas Page makes an appearance, and joins Slater in his trademark BANG! DDP shakes Slater’s hand, but turns it into a Diamond Cutter.
We see a trailer for No Holds Barred, which is out on DVD tomorrow. This movie gave us the feud that main evented Summerslam 1989. Seriously.
Kane & Big Show are walking the hallways in the back. They’ll go one-on-one, next.
John Cena & Alicia Fox visited an army hospital a couple weeks ago, to offer support to the troops ahead of Independence Day on July 4th. Canada Day was yesterday, as an FYI, but have a happy 4th of July, American readers.
No Disqualification Match
Kane vs. Big Show
Big Show opens things up driving Kane to the corner with big strikes. Kane answers back with a flurry of his own, before Big Show drops him with a shoulder block. Kane gives Big Show a hot shot on the top rope, but a Big Show shoulder tackle sends him flying into the ringside barricade. Kane fights back, but gets sent knee-first into the ring steps. They both try setting up for chokeslams on the announce table, and Kane gets levelled with a 500-pound super kick. Big Show rolls him back into the ring, and grabs a chair. Kane fights back with right hands, and catches Big Show with a massive DDT. Kane climbs the turnbuckle for a flying clothesline. Big Show avoids, but Kane grabs the chair on the landing. Big Show spears the chair into Kane’s face, and hits a chokeslam onto the chair, for the three count.
Winner via Chokeslam onto a Chair: Big Show
Teddy Long is strutting in the back, and comes across Eve. Eve’s excited to see Teddy, but he’s having none of it. He puts a giant name tag on her, and walks away laughing. Eve rips it up and throws it away (littering). She sees AJ, and makes fun of her for going after CM Punk, and ending up crying. AJ accuses Eve of doing anything to get attention, including buttering up John Laurinaitis for months. She tells Eve that she’ll show her and all of us how to get attention. With a mischievous grin, she disappears, leaving Eve shocked and confused.
Alberto Del Rio’s most memorable Raw moment was back in 1998, when DX drove a tank to a WCW show. He’s got an adorable smile on his face.
Tyson Kidd vs. Tensai w/ Sakimoto
Tensai bullies Kidd into the corner, and hits a series of headbutts. He backs off and charges, but Tyson sidesteps him, and rolls the big man up. TYSON KIDD WINS!!!
Winner via Roll Up: Tyson Kidd
Tensai attacks Sakimoto after the match, and a close-up shows that Tensai is bleeding above his eye. He glares up at the MITB briefcase.
Chris Jericho is in the back, and Daniel Bryan walks up saying that he hopes Jericho isn’t going to wear that stupid jacket out to the ring. Bryan is himself wearing a stupid jacket. Jericho wants to focus on their opponents, and asks Bryan if he agrees. YES! Jericho tells Bryan not to chant that, to no avail. Jericho himself ends up yelling EEEEEEVER AGAIN repeatedly, while Bryan keeps the YES rolling.
CM Punk & John Cena are chatting in the locker room, about teaming together. Punk tells Cena to follow his lead out there, and Cena hesitates before agreeing. Something tells me that wasn’t entirely genuine.
Josh Mathews catches up with Tyson Kidd in the locker room and asks him about his big upset win moments ago. Tyson Kidd says he feels on top of the world, but gets flattened by Tensai rushing in from behind. Tensai slams Kidd into a locker, and stands over his lifeless body.
Chris Jericho & Daniel Bryan vs. CM Punk & John Cena
CM Punk & Daniel Bryan kick things off, and Bryan gives us a YES. The crowd responds by chanting SI SI SI. Bryan runs the ropes a few times, and Punk hits an arm drag. Cena gets tagged in, and hits his irish whip/bulldog combination. Daniel Bryan scurries to his partner, and tags Jericho in. Jericho hits a shoulder block, and wants to see what Cena’s got. Cena hets a shoulder block of his own, and loads up for an Attitude Adjustment. Jericho slips out onto the apron, but Cena gives him a forearm, sending Y2J crashing to the floor.
Jericho has Cena in the heel’s corner, but Cena immediately starts throwing right hands, to fight out. Jericho drops him before he can reach CM Punk, though, and slaps on a rear chinlock. Cena fights up, and hits the ropes, but takes a back elbow. Jericho misses a Lionsault, and both men are down. Jericho tags to Bryan before Cena can reach Punk, and lays into him with kicks in the corner. Big running dropkick from Bryan, for a two-count. Bryan hits a headbutt, and tags to Jericho. Y2J slaps Cena in the back of the head. Cena goes for a fisherman suplex, but Jericho blocks it, and locks on a grounded front facelock. Cena tries turning it into an Attitude Adjustment, but Jericho hits a DDT for a nearfall. Jericho chops Cena in the corner, but gets thrown into the opposite turnbuckle on a bulldog attempt. Both men make the tags, and CM Punk explodes into action on Daniel Bryan. After a series of moves, he locks in the Anaconda Vice. Jericho breaks that up, and Cena chases Jericho all the way to the back. Punk rolls through a hurricarana for a nearfall, but eats a big kick from Daniel Bryan, for 2. Bryan goes up top, but is cut off by Punk, who hits a series of chops, then a thunderous superplex, for a nearfall.
With both men down, here comes AJ, skipping around the ring. When Punk & Bryan keep fighting, AJ gets on the apron, but they keep slugging away, and both go down on a double clothesline. AJ looks under the ring, and pulls out a table. She sets it up ringside, and positions it near the ring steps. She slowly climbs the turnbuckle, looking to jump through the table. Daniel Bryan & CM Punk both plead with her to not jump. AJ plants a kiss on Punk, and pushes him off the turnbuckle, sending both Punk & Bryan crashing through the table. Standing on the turnbuckle, AJ stares down at the carnage, and chants YES, as we fade to black.
Okay, deep breaths. I do radio for this site, and that is worlds easier than recapping. I’ve gained 2% more appreciation for what Dave does on a weekly basis.
The opening segment was some good fun. Built up the main event tag match, the MITB match, and the WWE Title feud, all at the same time. Everyone stealing the YES chants from Daniel Bryan is something that I rather enjoy. Any regular listener of Wrestleview Telemundo knows that I’m not a fan of Bryan, but these Yes chants have been a hot ticket for a long time, and the ways that they’ve manipulated the chants to distance them from being a strictly Daniel Bryan phenomenon have been a gas. Then we got Chris Jericho ripping out catchphrases, and even Kane showed up to make a quick funny. It was good times.
The 8-man tag was a mess, and that entirely on the Primetime Players. They’re absolute garbage. Incomprehensibly bad.
The Mexican people got big reactions from the latino crowd, then the big, rich Mexican murdered the tiny, masked Mexican. Can’t say I was disappointed to have a Sin Cara match avoided, during my one-time recapping gig. That would have been a struggle.
So, I’m not sure if anyone’s noticed this, but AJ is just a tad unstable. There’s a smidgeon of crazy in her. From biting the entire flower off the stem of the rose, to blowing Vickie to pieces, to ending the show standing over all the men in her life lying broken in a pile of wood, she was all over this show, and she was truly captivating. She is simply mesmerizing, right now.
The amount that I don’t care about any words coming out of Paul Heyman’s mouth is staggering. Also, are we really recycling the Old Yeller story with Triple H again? Wasn’t so long ago that he was going to destroy The Undertaker, so he could go out in a blaze of glory. Just seems really lazy.
Heath Slater is incredible, and has been for a solid year. If you’re not in the One Man Rock Band Fan Club, you’re missing out. I don’t know if I’ve ever heard someone with a southern drawl that hilarious, and his hair looks like he’s wearing a straw broom on his head. While my mother’s a clown, so I never endorse the belittling of that noble profession, they actually had a pretty fun match, with Slater grabbing a victory, against all odds. DDP looks like he’s still in pretty good shape. He must do yoga, or something.
Big Show and Kane are very large people, and have always have pretty good chemistry. They never do anything of real consequence, but every time they cross paths, they make it worth watching.
This was easily the best Tensai match I’ve seen. Tyson Kidd is the most unlikely underdog to get pushed in a long, long time. Yes, way more unlikely than Zack Ryder. Ryder got famous before he hit TV regularily; Tyson Kidd is just some dude. He’s looking pretty good in the role, thus far. Good on him for that.
Had a good time with that main event. They didn’t try to do too much with the match we got, leading into the non-finish with AJ, wrestling to amp up the live crowd, more than anything for the cameras. Too often, CM Punk matches have suffered from trying to do too much with the time and space given, and both Jericho & Bryan have fallen into the same trap quite a bit of late. Here, everyone stayed focussed, and it paid dividends. They took a crowd that was pretty quiet at the beginning of the match, and made them molten by the time AJ scaled the turnbuckle. That’s the power of keeping it simple.