Joey Janela Spring Break II 4/6/2018

 

We’re in New Orleans, Louisiana at the same building all WWN shows are at. I’m more excited about this show than anything else on ‘Mania weekend because they’ve done such an outstanding job on hyping the card. Janela is all excited to be facing Great Sasuke! David Starr is all excited to get a dream match with a soon to be retired Mike Quackenbush! Pierre Carl Ouellet is the most intriguing opponent WALTER faces this weekend. Nick Gage vs. Penta? Riddle vs. James fucking Ellsworth! The Clusterfuck! I’m all in.

This was another show that was late starting. At least with Janela you get that party atmosphere but for people who’ve been up all day and night it’s a big ask. Like asking me to stay up and review Kaiju live tomorrow. Not happening!

 

MDK gang. Eastern block hate club. Gang affiliated.

Joey Janela has consistently had the best hype videos and his old man Janela reminiscing about Spring Break blu ray’s in a Wrestler parody is fucking incredible. It gives me chills because it’s so fantastic.

 

 

The crowd is huge for this. Compare this crowd to the near deserted building last night for Beyond’s show and it shows the difference in hype and expectation. Although being positioned tonight has made it easier to get to.

 

Eli Everfly vs. DJ Z vs. Tony Deppen vs. El Gringo Loco vs. KTB vs. Teddy Hart

The commentary here is incredible. The shits are not given. It’s midnight. Everyone’s drunk. “Oh wow, he turned up” – when Teddy Hart walks out here. I consider this a chance for Eli Everfly to show off and he does that. He’s great and Teddy Hart actually looks ok too and those are the highlights. This combines with Eli taking a sickening bump on Teddy’s Lumbar Check.

Teddy doesn’t catch anyone on the dives. It’s incredible stuff. The match is a little spotty and is barely coherent but it’s a shit load of fun. Every time the crowd go nuts for Teddy Hart’s bullshit I get flashbacks to when he genuinely had a shot of being a megastar in wrestling and fucked it up. Eli wins it with a double underhook Canadian Destroyer off the top. FUCK THE COMMISSION!

Final Rating: ***1/2

 

 

James Ellsworth vs. Matt Riddle

Ellsworth is going to die. He’s been watching tape (that pops me in the promo video) so he knows Riddle’s pose and chop blocks him during it. His period of dominance lasts about 20 seconds before Matt takes over. Riddle does a lovely little sell where he goes to hold Ellsworth by his chin to chop his chest and his hand slips off. Riddle continues to have chin related issues while going for a KO knee. He has enough grasp to finish with the Bromission and this is over!

Final Rating: **1/2

 

“Fuck money” chant breaks out for Virgil. He arrives to call out Joey Janela and gets told to go to the back. What? Haha!

 

Pierre Carl Ouellet vs. WALTER

WALTER has a few dream matches over this weekend but this was the most ‘outside the box’ booking.

WALTER tells PCO that he respects him and if he wants to bail on the match he’ll let him. “This is your last chance. Just leave now”. Or he’ll kill him. PCO shows immediate smarts by blocking WALTER’s chop. Ouellet looks like the guy in the pub who everyone is scared of who might slap a hold on you to ‘demonstrate’ it while talking about how he used to be big shot somewhere you’ve never heard of. Like Canada. They don’t exactly click and WALTER is chatting to PCO frequently during the match. Ouellet is old as fuck but he just doesn’t care. He’s 50 years old. I remember seeing him in the WWF when I was in high school, stealing Bret’s jacket because he was a pirate. The thing with PCO is he’s a savvy veteran so he knows he needs to go after WALTER’s hand to eliminate those powerful chops. But then he ‘hits’ a moonsault to the floor. WALTER is reasonably compassionate and powerbombs the poor old bastard through a table. WALTER looks tired, having had so many matches already this weekend. PCO taking WALTER’s hardest chops and just refusing to budge is actually fucking awesome and as they duel on chops the crowd comes to life! PCO is busted, possibly bleeding pure energy.

Then he hits a bunch of dives like the crazy old bastard he is. PCO is going to be this generation’s Terry Funk! Super rana! Are you fucking mad? Split legged moonsault? Are you fucking kidding me?? The execution isn’t perfect or anything but it’s nuts watching a 50 year old man do all this shit. Swanton finishes for PCO and he just wore WALTER down with his fucking craziness. What a performance from Ouellet! Holy fuck.

Final Rating: ****

 

 

Penta El 0M vs. Nick Gage

This crowd is all fired up after that last match and they want to see this match so bad. Especially as they throw hand gestures at each other. Louisiana State Athletic Commission didn’t want chair shots to the head and Penta hits two immediately. Then the doors come in (not Jim Morrison and friends) and they get smashed up. This is an example of two wrestlers who just don’t care. The commission’s rules are being burned up to shit. It doesn’t help that the referee who sucked at Bloodsport is in charge and has probably been told to not interfere at all. Just stand there bitch and count the three. They break so much furniture. Gage powerbombs Penta through a table, sorry a door, and finishes with the Chokebreaker. This was total madness. A massive fuck you to the Louisiana State Athletic Commission. Who cares about your rules?

Final Rating: ***1/2

 

Post Match: A group of fans chant “you still suck” at Gage and he cuts a massive shoot on them calling them pussies and says if they want to fight him he’s not hard to find. Why would you antagonise Nick Gage?

 

David Starr vs. Mike Quackenbush

This card is the gift that keeps on giving, although Quack vs. Starr perhaps should have be on when people are not likely to fall asleep. Quack has been winding his career down for years and only has a few matches left.

When he’s wrestled in recent times the matches have been incredible. This is no exception. The mesh of styles that Quack brings and Starr hangs in there. The idea is that Starr is the plucky underdog, trying to live up to Quack’s range. It’s such a struggle because Quack just gets holds out of nothing.

Starr turns himself heel by going after Quack’s head, rather than trying to out-wrestle the guy. It tells a nice story and switches who the underdog is. Quack is legitimately one of the best wrestlers in the world and if he’d arrived on the scene a few years later he’d be in WWE right now instead of thinking about retiring. This match is so technically good and the timing on everything is exquisite.

Starr takes it with the lariat and there’s a lovely show of emotion from him because this means a lot. Really good match with subtle layers of story and Starr perhaps not even being aware that he was being a dick.

Final Rating: ****

 

The Clusterfuck

We start with video of MJF not being allowed in the building as he’s not on The List. He tries again dressed as Joey Janela. They lock him in the janitor’s room to stop him trying again. Eliminations can occur by pin, submission or being thrown over the top. #1 is Jimmy Lloyd. #2 is Martina. That’s not on my list of matches I want to see if I’m totally honest but fuck it, Spring Break! This is an ideal show for Martina to be on. #3 is Orange Cassidy. He’s so slow getting down here that #4 arrives before him. It’s Wheeler YUTA. #5 is Curt Stallion. The stream is fucked and the audio is completely out of sync. The entries continue. Hornswoggle. Flips to the floor etc. I refresh and we’re back in sync for Like a Prayer! It’s Grado!

Next is Kikutaro and he falls on his groin, causing the X to be thrown up. Next in is the Invisible Man. He cleans house and throws Kikutaro over the top rope before tapping Swoggle out. Joe Gacy arrives next and they kinda forget about the Invisible Man. Commentary don’t know who half these wrestlers are. The one, who looks like Dolph Ziggler, gets confused comments.

Hulk Hogan’s music kicks in and Chris Dickinson walks out smoking a cigarette. He beats everyone else and Dan Severn is here! Next is Doink and he’s looking very heavy.

Dickinson clears the ring again and Rickey Shane Page is up. Aerostar is here for DTU. Rory Gulak comes out here with a No Clusterfucks sign. Next in is Spyder Nate Webb. Haha. Holy shit. Janela randomly selecting guys from 2003 CZW.

The whole of Teenage Dirtbag plays before he even gets in the ring. Next in is Ethan Page. Then MJF who escaped the janitor’s room. Page and MJF kill the fun and dump everyone else. Comms call Orange Cassidy a “cumlord” as he destroys both guys with slo-mo offence. He’s dumped too and the Invisible Man makes a surprise return. Jimmy Lloyd hits him with a piledriver and the Commission kick him out of the building! Hahaha. Oh my god. Professional wrestling has peaked. There’s nowhere to go up from here. Oh wait, Bryce Remsberg hits a satellite DDT on Ethan Page. Mikey Whipwreck!

Page gets dumped with the Whipper Snapper. MJF puts Mikey out and it looks like MJF and Nate Webb are the last two guys. MJF beats Webb but the Invisible Man rolls him up to win. Oh good grief.

Final Rating: All the stars

 

 

Joey Janela vs. Great Sasuke

This is the breaking point of the stream as Janela punches Frank the Clown in the jaw on his way to the ring. That’s just too much for the stream to take. It’s five minutes before it recovers. Sasuke is a weirdo nowadays, doing Jedi mind tricks and stuff. Meanwhile Janela is out here to kill himself because that’s how he rolls on his show.

Sasuke hits a dive and lands in the ladder. This could have been incredibly bad for Sasuke. Luckily Janela buys him some recovery time by hitting a frogsplash on top of an inflatable alligator.

Because this is Janela he takes a horrible spill onto some set up chairs. The wrestling is somewhat limited as they chuck a load of plunder in the ring. Joey makes room for it by yelling “fuck you Cornette” and hitting a DVD on the apron. And a senton through a set up chair on the floor. Joey, mate, try not to die here.

Penelope Ford baits Sasuke into a sexy dance and Joey jumps him for it. He’s now bleeding from the face. I appreciate them clearing plunder out so a wrestling match can occur. Although Janela looks utterly dead and might be missing teeth.

Sasuke considers doing a tope with a bin over his head and that doesn’t happen thank fuck. This match has rumbled on for way too long at this point. They keep doing insane things and it just won’t end. Janela hits a double stomp with a chair and Sasuke is finished. The show is finished. It’s 3.30am. This needed to be a little less over the top but it was crazy ass shit from start to finish.

Final Rating: ***1/2

 

Written by: Arnold Furious