Written By: Matt Peddycord
March 24, 1996
The current WCW champs were as follows:
WCW World Champion: Ric Flair (2/11/1996)
WCW U.S. Champion: Konnan (1/29/1996)
WCW World Tag Team Champions: Sting & Lex Luger (1/22/1996)
WCW World Television Champion: Lex Luger (3/6/1996)
Your hosts are Tony Schiavone, Dusty Rhodes, and Bobby Heenan.
WCW U.S. Heavyweight Champion Konnan vs. Eddie Guerrero
All three commentators think Eddie is going to walk out of here with the US gold, which dooms Eddie from the start. Konnan grounds Eddie to start, but Guerrero gets loose and lucha armdrags Konnan across the ring. Eddie grabs a figure-four, but Konnan reaches the ropes. I always liked how Eddie applied the figure-four. It seemed more realistic than most. They get into a rollup sequence, earning nearfalls for both men. Konnan takes Eddie off his feet again and hooks Eddie’s heel to put some nasty torque on the ankle. Eddie fights up and armdrags Konnan around to begin a sweep and cover sequence that leads to a stalemate. That’s certainly stuff you didn’t see back then. Konnan and Eddie start working the crowd as both guys get their name chanted. Pretty cool. After that’s over, Eddie delivers a top-rope hurracanrana for two. Konnan escapes a camel clutch by shooting Eddie off through the ropes. Back in the ring, the crowd starts chanting again so they pay attention. Konnan gets in some lucha armdrags of his own to put Eddie back on the floor. He wants to dive out on Eddie, but Eddie gets out of the way before Konnan takes the plunge. Back in again, they back to the mat. This time, it’s Eddie sending Konnan to the floor with an armdrag. Eddie wants to leap down on him from the top, but Konnan walks away and around the ring. Back inside, Eddie lands on his feet off a monkey flip and sends Konnan to the floor AGAIN. Now will he get that dive he wanted earlier? YES HE DOES. Back in, Eddie hits a Hilo for 1-2-NO! Konnan counters a headscissors on the mat and hits a bridging German suplex for two. He wants another, but Eddie blocks and takes Konnan forward into a torso rollup for two. Weird spot where Guerrero delivers a headscissors into a pin, which appeared to kick start a rollup sequence, but Konnan screwed it up. All the same, Konnan hits a Splash Mountain for 1-2-NO! Eddie stops Konnan up top and gets pushed off to the floor! Konnan follows him out with a tope. Eddie stops Konnan on the top rope a second time and takes him down with a superplex! Oh, but Eddie’s too spent to cover him quickly. A slow cover gets two though. Konnan looks to slam Eddie off the top to avoid the FROG SPLASH, but Eddie counters *that* in mid-air into a small package for 1-2-NO! When Eddie tries a leapfrog, Konnan doesn’t duck and his head goes right into Eddie’s cahones. Instead of being a nice guy and waiting for Eddie to regroup, Konnan covers the man and gets the three-count to regain his title like a winner. (18:24) Pretty good match. Eddie carried what started out sloppy into something memorable up until the finish. ***¼
Lord Steven Regal (w/Jeeves) vs. Belfast Bruiser
Yes, Belfast Bruiser is Finlay. Just to show you how bad of a man he is, he SLAPS Jeeves on his way to the ring. This man hates *everything* British. Bruiser nails Regal with his half football shoulder pad leather jacket to start and then takes him into the corner for some INSANE forearms. He continues to rough up Regal with hard elbows and a STIFF short-arm clothesline. Bruiser proceeds with a toe kick to Regal’s spine, but Regal still fights back with a European uppercut. Bruiser fights back with knee drops. Regal has to take a break, but Bruiser goes out after him and hotshots Regal on the guardrail. Regal gets his shoulder posted, which is bad news for him. Back in, Bruiser tries to rip Regal’s arm off. Regal knees his way out and levels Bruiser with a dropkick for a trio of two counts. Bruiser elbows out of an overhead wristlock and does all he can to keep Bruiser grounded. Regal does the heel spot where he lays his shin across Bruiser’s throat and contests the ref about counting. Bruiser goes to the eyes to take back control. Well, a knee drop to the face sure helps too. Senton gets two. Regal escapes a headlock, but man does he gets decked by a running clothesline. That gets two for Bruiser. From there, Bruiser takes Regal and slams his sternum down on the apron. Bruiser wants a chair, but nah uh. THIS IS UNCENSORED! Huh? On the apron, Regal reverses a suplex and brings Bruiser back out to the floor. Regal follows up with an elbow drop off the apron. Finally back in the ring, Bruiser gets out of a headlock and holds onto Regal’s arm so he doesn’t go anywhere and then stiff kicks him in the back. To gain the upperhand, Regal draws the ref away and delivers a quick kick up in Bruiser’s lucky charms. Regal grounds Bruiser again and beats him in the chest. Bruiser reverses a corner whip and ugly backdrops Regal. Regal fights off a Boston crab and beats Bruiser down to slam dunk HIS sternum on the apron. Bruiser JABS him right in the face to bust him open. Uh oh, and the camera goes wide. They wind up fighting up the aisleway over to the Doomsday cage match. Earl Robert Eaton and Squire David Taylor head out to beat up Bruiser to draw the DQ. (17:27) That match was MANLY, son. Lots of fun too. The psychology of Finlay/Regal matches interests me. Although the finish blew, this was a pretty underrated match. These two could have wrestled to a thirty minute draw and that would have been fine with me. Then again with the no-blood policy, it makes you wonder whether or not they had to change the finish on-the-fly because of Regal. Who knows. Anyways, good match. ***¾
Col. Robert Parker (w/Dick Slater) vs. Madusa
So this is how the story goes. Parker was messing around with Madusa behind Sherri’s back while they were “courting”. Then at the Parker/Sherri wedding, Madusa shows up and ruins the whole affair. Now what happened after that, I have no idea. After Parker pushes Madusa back into the corner off a couple tie-ups, Madusa pushes him back one time and then armdrags him across the ring. She gets a nearfall by slipping away from an airplane spin and then slams the man. Parker tries to leave, so Dick Slater runs down and tries to talk him out of that choice. Back in, Madusa takes a choke lift, but avoids an elbow drop. A pair of front missile dropkicks puts the Colonel back on the floor for a botched dive off the top. Back inside, she looks to put him way with a BRIDGING GERMAN SUPLEX! Oh, but then Slater walks by and breaks up the bridge. Parker rolls over on top and gets a dastardly 1-2-3. (3:46) Only in wrestling. ¼*
The Booty Man vs. Diamond Dallas Page
Brutus Beefcake/Brother Bruti/Butcher/Man With No Name/Zodiac recreates himself again into the Booty Man character (why not Disco Bru instead?) to take Johnny B. Badd’s place in this feud where apparently Badd objected to having to kiss Kimberly and be her on-screen boyfriend since she was DDP’s wife in real life. IT’S NOT FOR REALZ, MARC! IT’S FOR PLAY PLAY! Oh well. He moves on to the WWF to do much more dignified things. They keep the original stipulation where if DDP loses, he has to quit wrestling. If he wins, he gets back Kimberly and all that bingo money he lost last month. DDP reverts to his dirty cheap cigar-smoking hobo-look we were familiar from 1987 into 1994 because now he’s down on his luck again. LOADS of stalling to start. After that’s over, DDP shoves off an armbar and misses a charge that takes him out to the floor. Page starts to leave, so Booty Man brings him back in the ring. DDP begs off and yanks Booty Man into the corner. It doesn’t do much harm though, as Booty Man answers back with turnbuckle smashes to put DDP back on the floor where he stumbles into the front row. That brings out Kimberly who seems to be spending all those millions wisely by buying herself a ballerina outfit. Back in, they do a criss-cross off a headlock. DDP pumps the brakes on that and does the Beefcake strut. He gets nailed for that. Booty Man farts on a missed crossbody spot, so they do it again and make it work the second time. Page hits a back suplex, but gets distracted by Kimberly. It’s time for a chinlock. DDP uses the ropes every now and then like a good heel should. As Booty Man begins to come back, Kimberly tells the camera that she wants Booty to be her boyfriend. What a weird chick. Page catches Booty Man for a hotshot and then calls Kimberly up to the apron for a smooch. Well, she slaps him back into a High Knee from the Booty Man for 1-2-3. (15:58) This was something you would expect at a cheap indy fed, not on PPV that would be seen all over the world. Afterwards, Booty Man and Kimberly share a big kiss. Gosh, that’s gross. What an awful match. CRAP
In the back, Gene Okerlund gets a word with Lex Luger and Jimmy Hart. Jimmy was the one to pull Lex out of the Chicago street fight to replace Loch Ness with Lex Luger in the Doomsday Cage Match because of some very fat dispute between the two. Because of some prior agreement, Jimmy Hart and Lex Luger part ways. Jimmy ~ “I LOVE YOU, MAN.” He gives Lex his airbrushed Lex Luger jacket and runs off to cry somewhere. This is the beginning of the end of Luger’s shades of gray attitude towards his total face turn.
The Giant (w/Jimmy Hart) vs. Loch Ness
For you theme nerds out there, Loch Ness has Rey Mysterio’s future WCW theme music. Loch Ness nearly trips over himself getting to the ring. The man is BREAKING UP THE EARTH with every step! Winner of this match faces Ric Flair for the gold the next night on Nitro. It’s back and forth corner brawling until Giant misses a corner charge and takes a CRAZY and clearly unintentional bump out to the floor! Back in, Loch Ness hits his ELBOW DROP, but misses a second one. Giant kicks him down for a running legdrop and gets the 1-2-3. (2:34) As good as it gets for these two. I’ll give it a little something for Giant’s bump. ¼*
The Road Warriors vs. Sting & Booker T – Chicago Street Fight
While the team of Sting and Booker T doesn’t seem right, Sting says he’ll give Harlem Heat a tag titles shot as long as Booker T plays nice and helps him win this match. That’s not the only thing that doesn’t make sense here though. How can you have a Chicago street fight in Tupelo? Enough said. Like in normal street fights, they break off into pairs. Booker T and Hawk brawl to the floor while Sting and Animal fight in the ring. Hawk takes a jumping side kick on the floor, but then backdrops Booker on the concrete. He heads back in the ring to double-team Sting. Booker saves Sting and goes after Animal with an Ax Kick while Hawk and Sting head to the floor. Booker covers Animal for 1-2-NO! On the floor, Animal and Sting take turns posting the other’s privates while Hawk drops Booker on the guardrail. Booker gives Hawk a piledriver on the concrete, but YOU CAN’T PILEDRIVE HAWK! He stands right back up and runs Booker down. Oh, but he’ll sell Booker T’s kicks though. In the ring, Animal is killing Sting with a clothesline. Okay, I can’t possibly do this in-depth for the whole 30 minutes, so I’m going to hit the highlights here. Sting heads to the back and returns to the ring with a chair to beat up LOD. Animal gets the chair away from Sting and has some fun of his own. Hawk NO-SELLS another piledriver and returns the favor with a powerbomb on Sting for two. About 11 minutes in, Animal and Booker head over to the Doomsday Cage to brawl, leaving Sting to miss a Stinger Splash on Hawk. Could we see a Doomsday Device? Nope, Booker crotches Animal to save the day. These type of matches should never be this long. After another 5-7 minutes of dull brawling, we skip ahead to the 20 minute mark where Animal catches Sting in mid-air for a powerslam. Sting picks up the chair again and gets in a good shot down across Animal’s back. Hawk comes by and takes the chair away from him and wipes out both his opponents. Sting leaves again to find two BROOMS! He whacks the crap out of Hawk until Animal comes up behind him and takes them away to clean house. Har har. Animal breaks one broom in half and starts choking Sting with it to freak out some Mississippi kiddos. As Hawk hits a flying splash on Sting, Booker GIVES UP and heads backstage. Shoot, I would too after over 25 minutes. Animal follows him to the back where Lex Luger and Stevie Ray happen to be nearby minding their own business. Animal nails Luger, causing him to get angry and assist Harlem Heat into beating Animal down and taping his arms up (with a little help from Jimmy Hart too) around a steel beam that goes from the floor to the ceiling. Meanwhile in the ring, Sting misses his Stinger Splash up against the guardrail. He NEVER hits that. Booker T returns to the match and tosses Hawk into the steps. In the ring, Booker misses the HARLEM HANGOVER. As Hawk gets to his feet and leans up against the ropes, Stevie Ray runs down with a chair and nails Hawk in the back! Booker T covers and gets the 1-2-3! (29:35) Well, Harlem Heat get their tag titles shot. As if they would never get one again or something. Pfft. This might be the first and only time the Road Warriors lost a Chicago Street Fight. If only it had been in Chicago, they might have won. Pretty dull fight and WAY too long for what it is. These matches should only last so long to sell how brutal they are. **
Hulk Hogan & Randy Savage vs. Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Meng, Barbarian, Lex Luger, Kevin Sullivan, Z-Gangsta & The Ultimate Solution – Doomsday Cage Match
Hahahahahahahahahahahaha. Hogan books himself in an 8-on-2 match. You know, the worst thing I’ve seen HHH and Shawn Michaels do was squash some half-talent Spirit Squad guys. At least there was only five of them. These eight guys are supposed to be eight pretty tough character who have been around (except for those last two). Wow. Just wow. By the way, I believe this is the old Tower of Doom cage they used at the Great American Bash in 1988 and haven’t used it since. Hogan probably ran across it in some Turner warehouse and said, “Hey, let’s book me and Savage in that against eight of my buddies!” Alright, let’s get this over with. Hogan and Savage start up in the top level cage against Flair and Anderson. They take turns working each other over. A few minutes of that and powder gets thrown in Flair and AA’s faces to allow Hogan and Savage to climb down into the middle cage. Luger, Meng, Barbarian, and Sullivan are in the second cage. It looks like Jimmy Hart, while standing on a scaffold next to the middle cage, hands Sullivan a chain or something. Hogan gets it away from him immediately and chokes him out with it while he’s got some taped knux on his hand. Luger gets the chain away to do the same to Hogan. On the other side of the middle tier cage, the Faces of Fear are working over Savage. Hogan fights both Sullivan and Luger off by smashing their faces in the cage so he can run over and save Savage from a double powerbomb from the FOF. Somehow, Hogan locks the FOF on the other side of the middle cage to even the odds for now. What, he’s brought a pad lock with him? AA and Flair climb down to help out the FOF. Meanwhile, Hogan and Sullivan fight out the door to where Sullivan teases falling over the scaffold to the floor. They wind up taking the stairs instead as Luger follows them down to help out Sullivan. Savage follows and takes care of Luger while Hogan bops Sullivan in the head with the house mic and then Big Boots Sullivan in the ring. They fight back up towards the cage as Hogan saves Savage again from Luger and takes him to the ring to beat him up. Savage brings a board from part of the many scaffolds around the Doomsday cage to hit Sullivan. Is that it? Are they done with the Doomsday cage? Everybody gets a turn with the chair. Here comes Z-Gangsta and the Ultimate (formerly known as the Final) Solution. Z-Gangsta and Ultimate Solution bring the Mega Powers back into the bottom cage. Oddly enough, Z-Gangsta concentrates on his former partner Randy Savage the most. Hogan saves Savage AGAIN from a Z-Gangsta bearhug, but he NO-SELLS. Gangsta GOOZLES Hogan and chokes him down to the mat. Meanwhile, Ultimate Solution is giving Savage press slams. Flair and AA climb inside the cage to join on the fun. With the cage door open, Booty Man comes out and slips them both FRYING PANS? Are you serious? Luger stops all that by coming in and BENDING THE FRYING PANS! Flair holds Savage for Luger to nail him, but Savage moves and Flair gets nailed. Luger totally mistimed it though. The Mega Powers all get in one more shot on everybody and walk out the cage to win the match. Uhh, well then Savage jumps on Flair for the 1-2-3 to win the match. WHAT. (25:16) Heenan is convinced this is all bullspit. This has to be the most convoluted, overbooked, and retarded match ever. And yes, it tops last year’s UnCeNSoReD main event. In fact, this match was SO stupid and awful that Hulkamania had to finally be put to rest after this PPV. Once you’ve done something like this, what more can you do. Hogan went away shortly after this show and came back fresh as Hogan can get to redefine his career and become the biggest heel in wrestling for the next three years before giving Hulkamania a few more tries in WCW and the WWE. CRAP
Final Thoughts: While it’s definitely one of the worst PPVs I’ve ever seen, I wouldn’t say it’s a huge candidate for ‘worst PPV ever’ because of the first two matches that were solid and reflect NOTHING of the rest of the card. Even factoring those matches in, don’t bother with this show unless you’re paying DIRT cheap and I mean DIIIIRT cheap. I’m talking ‘free’ here. As if there was any doubt, thumbs down for UnCeNSoReD 1996. Not a ’straight to hell’ thumbs down, but a definite thumbs down.