WCW Bash At The Beach 1999 7/11/1999

Written by: Arnold Furious

Your hosts tonight, from the “spacious” (note no attendance figure is given) National Car Rental Centre, Ft Lauderdale, Florida are Tony Schiavone and Bobby ‘The Brain’ Heenan and after a quick run through of the card they introduce us to DJ Ran. He proceeds to “get all up in the area”. I have never DJ Ran’s section in full as I always have to fast forward – and (or maybe because) I’m a hip hop fan. In wrestling terms, this is like a David Flair v Horace Hogan Ironman Match.

Disco Inferno v Ernest ‘The Cat’ Miller w/Sonny Onoo
Video recap of a Dance Contest between the two on Nitro. Disco has more fan support, so The Cat attacks him from behind. As a side note, Nick Patrick’s hair-do never fails to amuse me in this clip. The Cat enters to some cool James Brown music – if anyone knows the title of that song, e-mail me. “They’re all on the take” – Bobby Heenan on WCW’s Board Of Directors. Cheap heat promo from the three time former world karate champion. “You suck” – Ft Lauderdale. Disco enters, and we have another dance contest. Fans still like Disco – possibly because Miller just called them all “rednecks” – so Ernest goes to attack him again, but Disco has learned, and ducks under the first blow. Disco Inferno hits a kick to the midsection, and follows up. Series of Irish Whips from corner to corner. Cat bails and Onoo gives him a hug on the outside. Cat misses a bunch of semi-impressive karate kicks. Spear take-down from Disco followed by right hands. Disco Inferno and Miller trade the advantage. Disco is thrown to the outside. Onoo kicks Disco. Impressive flying kick (a la Cantona) from the midget (no, not Tazz – Sonny). Cat throws Disco to the guard rail. Irish Whip is reversed and Miller goes into the rail. Stomping from Disco. Cat put back inside. Low blow from Miller, choke. Disco’s head is bounced off the turnbuckle and then he gets punched in the jaw. Foot choke by the Cat, while he stomps away on Disco. Irish Whip. Reversed into a Sunset Flip for 2. Standing side kick from Ernest. Miller covers after about 15 seconds of nonsense. 2 Count. Muppet. The Cat keeps control with right hands, and then a scoop slam. Ernest misses a karate chop, and Disco Inferno bites his hand. Second rope elbow for a 2 Count. Half-assed Side Russian Leg Sweep by Disco. “Good execution again by the Disco Inferno” – Tony does a Michael Cole. 2 Count. Disco kicks the Cat’s chest. Cat shoves Disco Inferno into the ropes. Massive side kick from Miller. Covers for 2. Irish Whip. Cat gets an elbow to the back of the head. Kicks and punches from Disco. Cat rakes the eyes. Onoo puts Cat’s dancing shoe in. Disco stands on Ernest’s foot and grabs the shoe. Shoe to the face. Sonny has the ref distracted. 2 Count. Disco argues with the referee. Onoo is up on the apron. Disco stunners him across the ropes. Cat gets his shoe on. Side Kick. Shoe thrown outside. Cover. 1, 2, 3. **. Cat dances about a bit. Solid opener, but nothing special.

Mark Madden interviews Mills Lane. I never realised this guy was real. He refereed Tyson v Holyfield. The match where ‘Iron Mike’ bit Evander’s ear off. He’s a judge – WTF? No wonder the US Legal system is in such a state. He’s here to referee the Piper v Bagwell ‘Boxing’ match.

WCW Television Title Match: Rick Steiner (c) v Van Hammer
Video recap of how Van Hammer is on a roll. We also see Flair ‘ban’ Hardcore which sets up the Junkyard match later. Hammer is given a TV Title shot against the Dog Faced Gremlin. Back to live TV and Steiner cuts what sounds like a heel promo, but he’s the face. Go figure. “Of all the young stars in our sport today, Van Hammer is certainly one of the hottest” – Schiavone now sounds like the Coach. Someone has a sign with ‘VH’ drawn in the style of Shane Douglas’ ‘Franchise’ symbol. Idiot. Another sign says “Sid Blows Goats”. That’s more like it. Collar and elbow tie up to start, and Rick forces Hammer into the corner. Stiff looking shots to the face. Forearm to the back of the head. Irish Whip and Hammer ducks under the Steinerline. He comes off the ropes with a lariat. Steiner no-sells everything Hammer hits him with and VH looks like Barry Horowitz for the new generation. Steiner then beats the hell out of Hammer so we all know who’s best. Steiner pulls away the protective mat and DDTs VH on the concrete. Rick goes for a pin on the outside. Ref tells him that he can’t do that. Rick shoves the ref, and then bounces VH’s head off the stairs. If WCW wanted to push Hammer why is he getting squashed? Kevin Nash was booker – that should explain it. Low blow from Van the Man. Steiner gets Irish Whipped into the corner. Avalanche. Steiner still has yet to sell a damn move. Knee to the midsection from Rick. Exchange of punches. Hammer goes down. Elbow drop. 2 Count. Taz-style crossface blows from the Dog Faced Gremlin, then he goes for the eyes. Hammer thrown to the outside. VH grabs a chair and bashes Steiner. Rick is down for all of 3 seconds, then gets back inside. Hammer goes to the top strand and hits a clothesline from the top for 2. Attempted Tombstone from Van the Man. DFG bites his way out, then hits a low blow. Massive kick to the balls from Rick. The ref just stared at that one. Surely he knows that’s a DQ? Steinerline. Rick goes up top. Top rope bulldog from Rick. Vince should hire him just to teach Trish how to do that move properly. 1,2,3. Rick retains. *½. Some nice spots, but this is a match for Worldwide, not PPV.

Mike Tenay is at the Junkyard. He discusses the set-up and rules for the match. The first guy out of the yard wins. This is a ‘non-sanctioned’ match, organised by Hardcore Hak (a.k.a. Sandman).

WCW United States Heavyweight Title Match: David Flair (c) w/Torrie Wilson, Ric Flair, Arn Anderson, Charles Robinson & Asya v Dean Malenko
Video recap of Flair being awarded the US strap by his Dad (who is WCW ‘President’ – and pretty good at it too) after Scott Steiner was stripped of the belt. Malenko enters first to a HUGE pop and some cool music. David (and company) enter to a load of “whoos”. Ric gives Dave a few hints in the corner. Dean and Dave dance around the ring. Attempted collar and elbow tie-up but Malenko shoves Flair Jr down . The ‘Ice Man’ tells Ric that Dave is a no-talent waster. Side headlock by Malenko, spins round, re-applies headlock, drops down and hits a cool heel trip. This is awesome as a display of how good Malenko is. David sells well. Waistlock from Flair, and Dean throws him to the mat (using only his back). Dean reminds the Nature Boy how stupid this is. Dave pushes him from behind. Malenko snaps. Spears David into the turnbuckle and kicks the crap out of him. Irish Whip to the opposite corner. Avalanche. Stalling suplex. Malenko appears to be going for the Figure Four. Ric comes in and gets punched back out. Texas Cloverleaf put on David. AA spinbusters the ref, and Robinson grabs the stripes. Malenko decks Arn. Asya come in. Dean goes to punch her, but stops. Kicks her in the gut, scoop slam, Texas Cloverleaf. She’s tapping out. Ric nails Malenko with the US belt. Pulls David over. Quick 1,2,3. Flair retains. ½*. That was for Malenko’s offence. This was obviously a rip-off of Shane’s European Title run, but this was bollocks. WCW’s #2 title is now worth a #2. They forgot that Shane could string a few moves together. AA and Ric boot Dean as they leave.

8 Man Elimination Tag Match: Curt Hennig, Barry Windham, Kendall Windham & Bobby Duncum Jr v Konnan, WCW Cruiserweight Champion Rey Mysterio Jr, BA & Swol w/4×4 & Chase
The recap video was crap. The storyline was crap. The only thing about this that is remotely entertaining is Hennig’s song. Why do the faces outnumber the heels? Why are people cheering the heels? Why is an untrained rapper’s mate (Swol) in this match? Why do I bother trying to call this match? “Do you see how [Konnan’s] team dresses?…You can avoid that by putting a light in the closet” – Heenan. Rubbish promo from K-Dog and Rey Rey. Boring, but reasonably solid opening. Swol comes in to show just how little talent he has by botching a clothesline. Yes, a CLOTHESLINE!! More boring, basic, could be outshone by The Shockmaster, wrestling. I bet Hennig wishes he could get a programme with Bret Hart right about now. This matches drags on, with a few interesting spots from Rey, but seriously this would embarrass Mark Henry. Duncum Jr leaves (later than he was supposed to, it looks like) following a springboard leg drop from Mysterio. The match gets very messy following that. BA gets eliminated with a Perfectplex in the next thing of note in this bout. Match seems to be getting back on track. Konnan hits an X-Factor for 2 on Kendal. Rey comes in and kicks him in the head and K-Dog botches a cradle for 3. Barry and Konnan get counted out in a really stupid looking move. It was just weird. Curt is left in a two on one situation and tries to walk away, but 4×4 won’t let him. Why? He goes back inside, and quickly lays down to a splash by Rey off Swol’s shoulders. DUD. Absolute, unmitigated garbage – especially after Duncum, Jr left. Nothing to do with him, but any semblance of wrestling collapsed at the time he was pinned.

Hardcore Hak (Sandman) cuts a promo to set up the Junkyard match and then hits himself in the head with what appears to be a rubber cane. There’s a woman with him but I don’t recognise her.

Junkyard Hardcore Invitational Match
I don’t know the participants, so when I spot someone I’ll tell you. Scott Dickinson blows an airhorn to start the match. it’s all plunder shots and running around. OK, I spotted everyone in the match now: Public Enemy, Jerry Flynn, Jimmy Hart, Brian Knobbs, Silverking, Steven Regal, Fit Finlay, Hugh Morrus, Horace Hogan, Mikey Whipwreck, Hardcore Hak, La Parka and Dave Taylor. “They’ve resorted to throwing things at each other” – Tony Schiavone. Like they did anything else! Hak dumps Finlay into a car boot then someone puts the car onto a forklift and drives it into a crusher. Finlay jumped out far too early in the sequence (just before the forklift lifted the car) for it to be truly exciting. Crappy pyro garbage. Finlay wins by climbing over a gate. DUD. There were so many things with that match, but I’m not wasting any more time on it.

WCW Tag Team Title Match: Diamond Dallas Page, Chris Kanyon & Bam Bam Bigelow (c) v Chris Benoit & Perry Saturn
Rubbish and irrelevant video package to introduce the match. The crowd is dead after the last two matches, so the Triad cut a promo to wake them up. Page’s music and pyro are actually pretty cool – even if the tune is a Nirvana rip-off. “Speaking of being tough” – Schiavone is obviously deaf, as The Brain was talking about being World Champ! Saturn and DDP trade punches to start. Page hits some shoulder thrusts into the corner. Suvat kick from Pez and he knocks the Triad off the apron. Benoit and Bigelow in. Bam Bam takes over. Benoit drop-toeholds Bigelow into the buckle. Chops. Short arm clothesline. Dropkick to the outside. Kanyon in. Saturn tags in, and beats Kanyon down. Attempted T-Bone from Perry. Kanyon grabs the ref to block a German Suplex – cool! T-Bone from Pez. Benoit in, double headbutt. Hellacious (© JR) clothesline from the Crippler. Snap suplex. Elevated crab thing which looks evil. Catapult. Chops and Kanyon sells like he’s had a heart attack. Double clothesline, and snot gets blown over Kanyon. Niiice. 2 count. Hairmare from Saturn. Benoit tags in, and hits a backbreaker for 2. Benoit works the knee with the ropes. Pezza in. Dropkick to the face. “Why would you jump out of a plane with a good engine?” – Heenan on Saturn. Top rope leg drop, 2, interruption. DDP in without a tag – REF PUTS HIM OUT! There’s a first, I thought that rule only applied to faces. Bigelow in. One arm suplex from Bam Bam. Headbutts, 2, interruption. Kanyon gets tagged in. Leg drop to the UPPER THIGH gets 2. Crowd are alive again. Bigelow back in and applies a sleeper. “Asshole” – Ft Lauderdale. Kanyon in, and gets belly-to-bellied off the top by Pez, but it takes a lot out of him. Benoit gets the hot tag in. Top rope clothesline from DDP. Page goes outside to work the crowd. Benoit catapulted into the bottom rope. Elbow drop gets 2. DDP hits an armwrench and Kanyon hits a sunset flip from the apron for 2. Nice spot. Cool corner powerbomb spot gets 2. Kanyon rules. Bigelow in. Headbutts. Kanyon in with a double axe handle. Neckbreaker gets Kanyon 2. DDP in, nice double team, 2 count, interruption. Front facelock from Page, and Benoit manages to force DDP back far enough to make the tag. Ref didn’t see it! Powerbomb gets Dallas a near fall. Kanyon in. Benoit hits a desperation suplex, but Bam Bam comes in. Side suplex but Bigelow falls on the Wolverine. Moonsault misses. Saturn and Page in. Belly to belly from Pez. Big brawl. Top rope splash from Pez on Kanyon, Swandive headbutt from the Crippler, DDP breaks up the count. Northern Lights suplex gets Perry 2. Pezza sets Page up for the DVD, spins round, and DDP’s legs take the ref down. Kanyon throws some powder into the ring, heel miscue and Diamond Cutter on Kanyon. Bigelow puts Kanyon’s foot on the rope. Very smooth sequence there. Suvat kick into a German suplex gets Benoit 2. Brawling. Ref down again. Trash can shots. 3D/Diamond Cutter move from Page and Bigelow. 1,2,3. Champs retain. ****. Awesome tag match, but the ref bumps kinda spoiled it. Still good enough to earn its rating.

Boxing Match: Buff Bagwell w/Judy Bagwell v Rowdy Roddy Piper w/Ric Flair. Special Referee – Judge Mills Lane
Michael Buffer intro. I hate him, but only slightly more than Judy and Buff. Flair gives Buff a chance to quit. Mills goes over the rules. General boxing stuff. I never really ‘get’ boxing. “Ric Flair sucks” – Ft Lauderdale. End of round one. Flair sprays some stuff on Piper’s gloves. Bagwell is blinded by the stuff. Flair wipes the gloves when Lane tries to check them. Hot Rod beats the crap out of Bagwell. Bagwell takes over. End of round two. Judy bites Roddy’s ear and dumps the bucket on his head. Flair gets decked. Blockbuster. 1,2,3. *. The first two rounds were actually quite entertaining before it turned into a farce. A boxing match ending in a pin? WTF?

WCW World Heavyweight Title Tag Match: Kevin Nash (c) & Sting v ‘Macho Man’ Randy Savage & Sid Vicious w/Madusa, Miss Madness & Gorgeous George
Another boring Buffer intro. Nash uses the Wolfpac music. George goes to Nash’s corner. Sting and Savage start out. Randy offers a handshake. Stalling. Brawling outside the ring. Right hands from Sting. Inverted Atomic Drop. Sid comes in. Stalling. Crossbody from Sting and he clothelines Sid over the ropes. Vicious takes over when he gets back in. They trade the advantage. Macho in. More punch-kick garbage. Sid back in. Camel clutch from Sid. Savage in without a tag. He spits at Big Sexy. More basic nonsense. Nash tags in. Side slam on Sid. Knees on the Macho Man. Foot choke. Do some wrestling moves! Sting in, rakes the eye. Savage sent to the rail. Stinger Splash misses and Sting hits the barrier. Madusa sends Sting to the post. Sid in. Scoop slam and rear chinlock from Sid. Sting hits a shoulder block and falls into Sid’s crotch. Savage and Nash in. Kev takes over. Side slam. All four men in, Madusa and Miss Madness in. Stinger Splashes all round. Sting splashes Nash by mistake. Sid chokeslams Sting. George low blows Nash. Sid slams him. Savage Big Elbow. Randy is your new World Chap. *. Crap. Only 1 pin in the entire match and that gets it done? Bollocks.

Overall Grade: D+. One match card, but it was a great match.

Best Matches:
3. Rick Steiner v Van Hammer. Told you it was a one match card.
2. Disco Inferno v The Cat. See above.
1. DDP. Kanyon & Bigelow v Saturn & Benoit. Superb match, shame about the rest of the card.