Written by: Tom Hopkins
We’re in New Haven, Connecticut at the appropriately named New Haven Coliseum. Did you know that New Haven is the home of the rifle? Vince said it and he’d never lie. Vince is here with Mr. Perfect. Perfect tells us that Ric Flair is entering the Rumble and when it is all said and done he will be both the REAL World’s Champion and the WWE Champion.
-Bushwhackers vs. 2 Jobbers-
Jameson is at ringside. This is not the way to get me excited about an episode of Superstars. Why did they start with the Whackers? The Whackers bring Jameson to ringside to further wish I could go back and time and shoot whoever was responsible for this. After doing their usual junk match the Whackers end with a Battering Ram and double gut-buster for the pinfall at 2:31. I will quote Perfect here, “What a disgrace.”
We’re at the Update Center with Gene Okerlund and this is brought to us by Coliseum Video and the 1991 Survivor Series. It’s all Rumble hype here. The Rumble itself is for the WWE Title and Macho Man Randy Savage’s name had been dropped in the hat. He has a score to settle with Jake Roberts and we see highlights of Tuesday in Texas and Roberts DDT’ing Savage twice. He gives him a third one in front of Liz before grabbing her by the hair and slapping her.
-Jake Roberts vs. Russ Greenberg-
Jake is without snake thanks to the edict passed down by Jack Tunney. A kid at ringside has the green foam finger with Macho Man on it and I actually had that and I must’ve bought it around this time. I think it was mid1992 so that would make sense. Greenberg does a nice leapfrog but misses a dropkick and that’ll put an end to his night. The short-arm clothesline sets up the DDT and this one is over at 2:48. Gotta love Jake.
Sean Mooney is with us in a very festive looking Event Center. We hear from the Rockers and this is very close to their break-up. Shawn interrupts Marty while he’s talking and talks about wrestling singles matches as Shawn Michaels. Wow – the break-up was so obvious the way it was set up. We also hear from the Mountie and Jimmy Hart.
-Virgil vs. Generic German Heel Jobber-
I saw this GGHJ a few weeks ago but I don’t care to look up his name because let’s face it – this is a jobber match featuring a JTTS. That’s like the lowest level of Jobber matches. Virgil clotheslines the jobber to the outside and follows with a slingshot plancha. We hear from the Repo Man during the match and he wants to repossess Virgil’s career. The Million Dollar Dream ends this at 2:48.
We’re back at the Event Center with more promo’s. The Berzerker is here with Mr. Fuji and he predicts some big name stars will be going down. We also hear from the Legion of Doom and they have words for the Natural Disasters. And speaking of the Natural Disasters…
-Natural Disaster vs. Bill Pierce and Kevin Drake-
The Disasters destroy the duo of Pierce and Drake. I can’t tell you which jobber is which and I’m sure you people reading don’t care anyway. I can’t imagine many of you complaining, “what a joke – he doesn’t even know the difference between the jobbers!” I can’t even tell you the difference between the Beverly Brothers! The Disasters hit a double avalanche and basically kill the poor jobber with a butt-splash and a big splash and this is ov-ah at 4:16.
We have a special award ceremony now with Bret Hart. Bret was named Wrestler of the Year and Gene Okerlund and Freddie Blassie present him the award. Bret doesn’t even get a chance to say anything.
-El Matador vs. Chris Duffy-
Vince mentions that Tito will be wrestling the Berzerker on Primetime this Monday. That show was the precursor to Monday Night Raw. Tito sidesteps a charging Duffy (much like he’d sidestep a bull) and Duffy falls to the outside. Tito ends with a flying forearm to the back of the head to get the pinfall at 2:20. It’s always fun to watch Tito work.
We go backstage to see General Adnan and Col. Mustafa playing a WWE Nintendo Game.
We hear from more people participating in the Royal Rumble including: Texas Tornado, Warlord, Virgil (who doesn’t understand the rules saying he’ll get the 1-2-3), IRS (who gets to audit 29 tax cheats), British Bulldog, Berzerker, Ric Flair (WHOOOOO!) and Undertaker. Everyone says they are going to win but considering that at this point Flair was a multiple World Champ he was the only one (besides the Undertaker) who had a realistic chance of winning.
-The Beverly Brothers vs. Sonny Blaze & Jim Arnone-
When I mentioned the Beverly’s before I had no idea they would be on the show. This is like tag team hell this week. The Bushwhackers and the Beverly’s? I couldn’t stand either team, even back in 1991. I don’t know which jobber is which, and I never knew which one was Beau or Blake. The Genius makes fun of Jameson at ringside. Okay Beau has no mustache while Blake has the facial hair. I’ll try to remember this now. Blake hits an overhead belly to belly suplex and they end with their 3D type move. Perfect calls it the Nose-Job and I suppose that’s a good enough name for me to call it from now on. Jameson makes fun of the Beverly’s after the match. The Beverly’s rough up Jameson a bit and the Bushwhackers come to make the save. Mind you they marched out like the fucking idiots they were and didn’t show too much haste in getting ringside. This is what I dreamed of: a Bushwhackers/Beverly’s feud.
We return to Mooney and the Event Center. We hear from the Big Boss Man and he calls out IRS. He says IRS is from New York City but I always figured he was from Washington DC. We also hear from the Nasty Boys and Jimmy Hart. Jimmy has an open contract to face any team. Next week we’ll have the Rockers, Bret Hart, Hacksaw & Slaughter teaming up and the Undertaker. Ric Flair will also be wrestling. What a big rise in work-rate over this week.
-The Bottom Line-
Let’s put it this way. This episode has the Bushwhackers and they’re featured twice. There’s also a lot of Jameson. This was a total nothing episode. The Royal Rumble hype was very low-key considering the event was almost a month away. The wrestlers featured were definitely on the lower end of the spectrum (Whackers, Beverly’s, Natural Disasters and Virgil) so take a pass on this one.