Written by: Tom Hopkins
This is a TV-13 rating so I assume there will be something violent going on during this episode – the first of 1992. That makes a full year of Superstars on the service that I’ve reviewed. This is just in time for National Prune Breakfast Month. We’re at the Frank Erwin Center in Texas and Mr. Perfect joins Vince McMahon on commentary. Yes, Perfect is eating prunes and yes he makes a couple of “pits” jokes.
-Rowdy Roddy Piper vs. Brooklyn Brawler-
I always wondered why the Brooklyn Brawler wore a Yankees shirt when they are located in the Bronx. We hear from Flair before the match in a pre-recorded interview and he guarantees that Piper won’ win the Rumble. Brawler starts the match by blowing his nose into Piper’s T-Shirt. That pisses him of so he clotheslines him down and then dons the Brawler’s hat. Piper locks on a sleeper and Brawler crumbles to the mat. That’s enough for the pinfall at 1:18.
We’re at the Update Center with Gene Okerlund. This is brought to us by the WWE Merchandise Catalog with a voiceover promo by Lord Alfred Hayes. We look back at the Rockers and LOD match from last week. Speaking of the Legion of Doom – they will be defending their tag titles against the Natural Disasters at the Royal Rumble. We hear from the Natural Disasters, too.
-British Bulldog vs. Louie Spicolli-
Hey, it’s a match where 100% or the participants are dead! Bulldog powers Spicolli down with shoulderblocks. He suplexes him as we hear from Hacksaw Jim Duggan – a guy who is ready for the Rumble. McMahon mentions that Duggan could be the champion and Perfect says that would be a disgrace. Perfect would definitely be correct in that assessment. The running powerbomb ends this at 1:41.
It’s an ad for WBF magazine!
Sean Mooney is at the Event Center with some Royal Rumble cooler talk. Three titles will be on the line! We hear from some participants in the Rumble: Repo Man, Tito Santana, Skinner,
-The Mountie (w/Jimmy Hart) vs. Rudi Gonzalez-
Bret Hart’s pre-recorded comment features the Hitman saying he is looking for revenge against the Mountie. McMahon mentions that the Mountie is really Jacques Rougeau which is something I never really heard him called during his original Mountie run. A knee-drop ends this and I can’t believe that Gonzalez jobbed to a move that weak. Rudi takes some shock-stick treatment after the match.
A month ago Jake Roberts and Randy Savage fought at Tuesday in Texas and Jake slapped Liz during the melee (this is what caused the TV-13 rating on Classics.com). So Savage and Liz come out to be interviewed by Okerlund. Savage talks about winning the title at the Rumble. Liz says that she feels sorry for Jake after what Savage will do to him.
-Beverly Brothers (w/Genius) vs. Scott Baizo & Ken Johnson-
I have no idea which jobber is Scott and which one is Ken, nor do I really care. Jameson is at ringside with some Bushwhackers figures and he’s talking trash to the Beverly’s. Blake starts and nearly kills the jobber with a back suplex. Beau comes in with a neck-snap off the second rope. That was pretty cool. We hear from the Bushwhackers in a pre-recorded comment. Jameson says he isn’t afraid of the Genius. Meanwhile, the other jobber comes in and gets destroyed. They work the back of both jobbers to set up their 3D-like finisher to end this at 2:49.
Vince brings us a second vignette from Chris Chavis. He gives us another promo showcasing a river his people used. He will be the river that carries the wisdom of the Indian nations to all people.
Sean Mooney talks about the Rumble and the three titles on the line and again we hear from Rumble participants like Texas Tornado (RIP), Hercules (RIP) and Big Boss Man (RIP). That’s depressing that all three of those guys are dead and its only 18 years later. As soon as we leave the Update Center we’re with Gene Okerlund who gives us a Royal Rumble report. Remember, the winner of the Rumble will be crowned the WWE Champion. Okerlund runs down the participants and we hear promo’s from a select few of them. We hear from Virgil, The Nasty Boys, Ted DiBiase (w/Sherri – RIP), Sgt. Slaughter and Sid Justice. He talks about the IC Title match of Mountie vs. Bret Hart, Orient Express vs. New Hart Foundation, Bushwhackers vs. Beverly Brothers and the Natural Disasters vs. the Legion of Doom.
-Undertaker vs. Richie Garvin-
First contact comes 30-seconds in and shortly after that we hear from Jake the Snake and he tells Undertaker to watch out. The Tombstone ends this at 1:42. Richie gets the body-bag treatment after the match.
We end at the Event Center and Mooney brings us a last batch of promo’s before we’re through. We hear from another trio of Rumble participants: Greg Valentine (who promises that it’d be Hammer Time), IRS and Roddy Piper. Well, Roddy would leave the Royal Rumble as a champion, just not the World Champ. Vincent Kennedy runs down what we’ll see next week (Tito Santana, Natural Disasters, Duggan & Slaughter, Funeral Parlor with Flair and Barbarian vs. Macho Man). Well, that looks better than this week’s episode.
-The Bottom Line-
This was your standard episode of Superstars that featured no big-name matches and no big-tie angles. It was just Rumble hype with nothing else going on and it isn’t worth the 45-minutes I wasted on it.