Written by: Kevin Kildenberger
WWF Monday Night RAW 2/1/99
Shane wants to call out X Pac and wants to know where Kane is the Corporation sans the Rock does not like to travel with him. He has Midol issues. Shane is worried that the Big Red Retard had to find his way on his own. They leave and PMS (Terri and Jackie enter) Bossman calls them bitches.
Shane and company come out and he dismisses them because he can handle X Pac on his own. Shane informs the crowd that his dad is in Texas and he is going to confront and provoke Austin into touching him because if he does he will be fired. Even if Austin shows restraint it will happen. The cage is being lowered as Shane screams about Pac and he is on top of the cage as it lowers.
DX is beating up the Corporation in the back…..Shane continues to berate him and now he sees him after the cage is lowered. Shane whines that he is joking, now Shane is ready and wants one second to show off his skills. He goes for a blow and gets his ass kicked! Chyna comes down and trips up Pac and gets in his face. Shane is kicked in the head but she nuts Pac. She holds Pac for Shane and Shane slaps him in the face over and over and now some gut punches. Shane tosses him into the cage. Shane is cuddled as he is helped out by Chyna.
Vince is in Texas and calls Patterson and Brisco into the bar and they are wearing ten gallon hats. Vince says they look ridiculous. Vince tells them to watch his lead as he knows how to handle these people. They may have to whoop a few people. He calls the waitress toots, and asks about Austin and she reckons not. He mocks her language and she reckons they better get the hell out of there as she holds a weapon.
Shamrock is at the announce table talking about killing Billy Gunn who is in the ring with mic. You have to be down with Mr. Ass or you suck it.
Match 1: Billy Gunn v. Val Venis
Shamrock is pissed about his sister and Val does his thing on the mic but is mooned by Ass and pounded in the corner. Gunn beats on him and gets a two count. He slams him and gets another two count. Shamrock is whining about porn and how trashy it is…..The fans chant that Shamrock sucks and his sister told him that he cannot touch Val. Gunn is working over the arm. Val mounts a comeback and then literally mounts and pounds Gunn. Val gets two as King riles up Shamrock by giving details of the porn tape! Shamrock is getting pissed…..they are panning back and forth between the match and the announce table. Val has him down in a chinlock. Shamrock threatens Lawler but then takes a chair and knocks out Val with a chair before being chased off by Gunn. Val is up and takes out Gunn’s ankle and he has the chair and hits him but they keep panning to the crowd.
*1/2 Angle advancement.
Mankind has rented Max Mini! Holy Shit and he acts like he is a Tickle Me Elmo and pays 487 dollars to rent him!
Rock is pissed that his money is being spent, a week’s pay or five new shirts (97 grand). Vince tries to calm him down and Rock is going to handle it himself and hangs up. Vince is baffled as he looks at a deer head mounted on the wall.
Debra is out getting whistled at and she is asked about her help and she admits she is instrumental and talks about her body and here comes Sexual Chocolate and pleasure is his middle name and he wants to hook up. That sounds interesting and she wants hot chocolate and it melts in her mouth and not in her hand and JJ and Owen come down and kick his ass.
Mankind is talking to Kurrgan about stock options and using Socko to help convince him. He gives Kurrgan some money to invest!
PMS and Brown are down. PMS want more. Terri is so fucking tan she is orange. I never thought I would say this but she looks fucking hideous and in fact looks blacker than Jackie. She wants him to deal with a pig and he whines that enough is enough. Basically Jackie tells him to talk to the hand. Terri calls out Bossman for calling her a bitch.
Match 2: D’Lo Brown v. Big Bossman
Bossman is manhandling him. But D’Lo spinkicks him and then after a slam nails him from the middle rope getting two. Bossman fights back and goes up top and tosses him off the top rope and hits the Frog Splash but PMS distract the ref and this allows Bossman to finish him off. They grin and leave. Brown is laid out by the nightstick and choked out. Henry has recovered and knocks Bossman to the floor.
** Fuck I hate PMS, literally too.
Patterson nad Brisco are talking Texas and hitting on some fat chick. She calls him cute and then knees him in the nuts! Vince grabs them stating he has found Austin.
Blue Meanie comes down in a half-shirt and Goldust hammers him from behind and beats his ass. He sets up Shattered Dreams and connects.
The doctor is checking on D’Lo Brown and Henry is warning him to stay away from those girls….the doctor then tells them she was never pregnant as he examined her. Brown and Henry don’t like being played…..He gave her a pregnancy test? Examined her? Like her vagina? Okay….
Match 3: Kurrgan v. Droz
Kurrgan is slaughtering him and after a sideslam he splashes him in the corner. Droz is knocked to the floor but he breaks a broom handle over him and he leaps off the top getting the win.
* Seriously? This shit sucks. Another shitty feud.
Droz is kicking his ass. Golga runs down with Silva in tow in order to run him off.
Now they are sitting down and Austin and supposedly Austin comes here for a snack. Vince is unsure of what he is eating. It is brisket and they love it but Vince spits it out. Brisco calls the waitress over and bitches about the food with sauce all over his face. She dumps some sauce on his hat to the horror of the three.
Here comes the Undertaker and his minions. Here comes the Brood.
Match 4: Ministry v. Brood
Mideon is hammering Gangrel; he backdrops him and then bites a chunk out of him. Mabel is tagged in and crushes him with a legdrop. It is Viscera now. The Brood triple team him and Edge is in but he is taken down. Mideon is in and he gets in some shots but now the Brood takes over and all three run rampant but the Acolytes run in and attack. Undertaker who was watching from his thrown slowly makes his way down to the ring as the Brood fights back and they toss the refs out and then they are beaten up some more: The Brood that is. They hang Gangrel and take the Brood out….
Mankind gives Debra a sweater and warns her about catching a chest cold!
Here comes Mankind and he states he may not look too good but he is the champ. The Rock comes out and he gets a bigger pop, though Mankind got some props too. Now the fans chant that the Rock sucks. Rock does not like Mankind running his mouth and he reminds him that he beat Mankind all over the arena during the I Quit match. The fans chanted the Rock’s name as Mankind quit. If it was not for a forklift the Rock would have won. He brags about his money and his clothes and how good he looks. Mankind has realized that the Rock is all these things including the most electrifying thing in sports entertainment today. Rock wants his money back. Mankind tells him that it is down to 72 grand but he lied and will not return the money. Mankind admits that the Rock looks like a million bucks and dresses like it too but he is also the biggest horse’s ass in sports entertainment. Mankind admits that Rock has given him some of his biggest matches and all Rock needs to do is ask and he will give him a rematch. The fans chant Foley and the Rock responds that he wants a Last Man Standing match and goes over the rules and then ends with that he bash his brains in. Mankind screams that if he wants that match he has a deal. Rock figured his retarded ass would say that. Rock tries to get the fans to repeat the millions but they do not and so he does it and talks about great he is and he is the best damn WWF champ there ever was.
Okay, Foley got the bigger pop not that it matters….Rock had a great intro though.
The WWF Super Bowl ad. Fucking classic!
Vince is in a pawn shop and he thinks they have him and there is no way out and he is right behind a door….on good authority. Where the fuck is he getting this information from? Vince goes over a plan to provoke Austin and they need to attack Austin and this worries Brisco and Patterson. Vince will verbally berate him. They open the door and a bald dude is sitting there with gun. Vince starts to berate him and it is not Austin and he has a gun and threatens to shoot him and does not like being called chickenshit. He tells Vince where Austin is at….why the fuck the dude is sitting in the back of a pawn shop holding a rifle is questionable….of course Austin is leading them on a wild goose chase and setting them up.
Match 5: Road Dogg and Al Snow v. Acolytes
They are just throwing each other around and walloping each other with chairs etc. Jesus, Road Dogg’s career may be cut short. Road Dogg drives a pencil in Farooq’s eyes and Bradshaw throws steel steps off out of the ring it nearly murders someone. Snow knocks both out with a chair to the head. He and Dogg set up a table in the ring. Acolytes recover and attack. Al is tossed to the floor and a chair shot sends Road Dogg to the floor and he is dumped over the barrier and stomped on by Bradshaw. Now all four are fighting in the crowd and Road Dogg takes out Bradshaw and gets two. There is a concession stand on the floor and beer is being thrown around. Now they enter the concourse and Bradshaw slams Dogg into table as Snow is whipped into some railings courtesy of Farooq. Now those two go outside as the others brawl inside the ring. Snow has a broom after taking out Farooq with a garbage can and getting hit with it over his head. A fan taunts Bradshaw and throws beer on him and gets punched in the face….I am not sure that is real. Snow keeps beating Farooq and he goes on top of a loader but Viscera arrives and he leaps into him and is spiked. Bradshaw takes it to Road Dogg inside the ring. He fights back but here comes Farooq and he is overwhelmed and slammed into a table and pinned.
***1/2 Sad when the best match every night is the Hardcore one’s.
Here comes the Ministry to do something to Road Dogg. The Druids are now the Brood. Sweet Jesus there goes their career.
Road Dogg has been looking for Al Snow and they yell at each other wondering where the other was at. Al explains but that is not good enough and claims he is above Al and then bashes him with a chair a few times, calls him a psycho and leaves.
Back to Texas and he has found Austin and calls him chickenshit. He wants him to stand up and taunts him for losing to him. He came down here and wants a piece and grabs at him. Now Austin is getting pissed but he reminds Vince that he will not hit him here and wait until the PPV. Vince screams at him….why not hit him and then Austin may retaliate. Austin is not scared unlike Vince and reminds him again about the PPV and will not hit him but these type of people may and they are surrounded. Vince and friends try to talk their way out of it.
Match 6: HHH v. Kane
HHH calls Chyna a big bitch and is going to derail the Big Red Retard. HHH hammers him right when Kane gets in the ring. But Kane goozles him and throws him into the cage and then clotheslines him. Kane’s turn to hammer him, all over the ring. Kane back suplexes him but misses the elbow. HHH tees off on him but cannot knocks him into the cage and is knocked back. Kane calls for the flames as he slowly stalks HHH; he pulls him up and an uppercut sends him right back down. Kane rakes the forehead across the cage. HHH tries to fight back but he is knocked down and stomped. HHH goes for the door but is dragged back in and run into the cage and again HHH tries to escape and again he is stopped and this time stomped. Kane knees him in the gut. HHH counters after a few stomps but running Kane into the cage and then again. HHH runs to the door and he is brought back in. Kane drops the elbow into the groin area and makes his way to the top rope and strikes with a flying clothesline. Kane stops him again and conveniently a chair is rolled into the ring and he whacks Kane with it and makes his way to the top of the cage but is stopped and choked out. HHH though turns it around and then mounts and pounds him in the corner. HHH is whipped into the corner but Kane runs into a boot only to clothesline HHH. Kane heads up top and kicks him off but HHH tries again and pulls Kane off the top rope. Now HHH is trying to make it out of the cage; he is hanging over it but Kane has the leg only to be kicked off. HHH moves like molasses and is goozled, brought back in the ring but he is crotched on the top rope. HHH takes his head and rams it into the cage three times and now strikes with a big running knee. Kane is down, slowly getting to his feet and he kicks him and sets up the Pedigree but is back dropped into the cage. Kane goozles him and this time it is chokeslam city. X Pac runs down and slams the door into Kane’s head twice! But HHH is still down and Kane rises up. Kane limps to the cage and begins to climb. X Pac is climbing up and hammering Kane up at the top. HHH is not going for the fucking door and instead climbing up top and it is taking an hour. Chyna runs down and she goes into the cage and has HHH by the leg but is kicked off. HHH makes it down and wins!
Chyna stops Kane from going after them and to allow them to have their moment. But this will be short as it will all end in two weeks at the PPV.
***1/2 I will give this an extra half star. They are giving HHH a mega-push. I will forget what he will do in the future. I have not seen a lot of what he has pulled, essentially making Hogan look minor league, but I will reserve my judgement. Sure the chair was randomly placed. Yes, HHH should have went out the door but it does add drama.
*** Once again there was some good stuff and once again some truly stupid shit. I am being sucked in by how the whole package is put together. There are some humorous moments like Vince in Texas….not sure why he did not pour a beer on Austin, or punch him. There were two fun matches and again the Rock and Mankind were great, and the beginning was fun but what happend to Shane? The rest sucks. Bad. The Ministry is fucking terrible. I mean if you do not believe me just YouTube some of that shit. The PMS angle sucks balls. Not sure why Chyna turned. I may have to lower my rating as the more I think about it the worse the show is…..But the PPV is starting to look good.
31-year old currently living in Syracuse, New York. Longtime fan of the New York Mets, Chicago Bulls and Minnesota Vikings. Avid fan of professional wrestling and write reviews/articles on the product. Usually focusing on the old school wrestling.