Are you ready? Then stop questioning your heart and join me because it’s time for Monday Night RAW!
John Laurinaitis is introduced and he makes his way down to the ring on his People Power Scooter. He shares his name – NO CHANCE IN HELL!
Vince McMahon’s music hits and he struts his way down to the ring. JL extends his hand, but Vince doesn’t shake. He says that this isn’t about friendship, it’s about business. He asks for one reason why he shouldn’t fire Johnny. JL responds by saying People Power. He tells Vince to listen to the people because he empowers them. They boo, but Johnny says that those are the same people that used to boo Vince. But now, everyone respects Vince. *Fire Johnny* erupts in the arena. JL claims that they are both astute visionary businessmen. Vince says that John cost the WWE two lawsuits by hiring Brock Lesnar, and managed to hire the wrong one-legged wrestler years ago (Zack Gowen, true story!). Vince says that JL also rehired The Big Show, a wrestler who hasn’t performed well since 1999, he’s not a good investment. John counters by saying Show will prove himself at No Way Out. He also claims Vince doesn’t like Show because DX once shoved his head into his buttocks. John says the locker room looks up to him, but Vince counters and says that no one can even understand him.
Sheamus’ music hits and he makes his way down to the ring. He says that it is great to see Vince back, fella. As World Heavyweight Champion he feels that it is his duty to come out and say that Johnny is indeed a friend. He is so good a friend that he will fine you half a million dollars just because he can. Vince points out that #FireJohnny is the number one trend on Twitter worldwide. Sheamus also says that Johnny is the worst GM in the history of the WWE. Sheamus tells Vince to kick Johnny out! JL says that Sheamus does not represent the locker room. He says he is going to go in the back to find an opponent that will make Sheamus sorry for the things that he said. Vince says that it better be a good and impressive match, in fact that is true of every match tonight. If Vince isn’t impressed, Johnny will be fired! Vince heads up the ramp and throws John’s scooter over the edge of the stage!
Sheamus v. Tensai w/ Sakamoto
They lock up and struggle to gain the strength advantage. The crowd chants *Albert*. Shoulder block from Tensai. Sheamus attempts a shoulder bock but Tensai stays on his feet. Sheamus blocks a splash and takes out the leg of Tensai. Tensai whips him into the ropes and knocks him to the mat. Both men crash to the outside of the ring.
Tensai backs Sheamus into the corner and we see a huge handprint from Sheamus across his stomach from a strike during the break. Sheamus is flattened after being whipped into the corner. Tensai climbs to the second rope for a splash. Cover, but Sheamus kicks out. Sheamus regains control with a couple of blows and a shoulder thrust. Tensai is knocked down with an axe handle. Cover, but Tensai kicks out. Sheamus climbs onto the apron and hits a series of clubbing blows. Sheamus is kicked hard in the chest, but hits a Brogue Kick out of nowhere! This match is over!
Winner via Brogue Kick: Sheamus
# In the back, Vince is with Laurinaitis and Teddy Long. Vince says Tensai losing is the first strike. Now, who is going to replace Del Rio to face Sheamus for the Title on Sunday? Excuse Me! Vickie Guerrero enters and offers Dolph Ziggler and Jack Swagger for a Triple Threat Match for the Title. Vince says it isn’t a bad idea, unless Johnny has a better idea. JL asks Teddy what he thinks. Teddy says they should put Christian, Khali, Ziggler & Swagger in a Fatal Four Way tonight with the winner facing Sheamus for the belt. Vince likes the suggestion! JL tries to give him a fist bump, but Vince retorts that John has small hands.
Back from the break, Tensai is in the ring furiously attacking Sakamoto. He brawls to the outside throwing him against the announce table and the steel post.
RAW 1000 MOMENT: Seth Green Guest Hosts RAW
# R-Truth is in the back with Matt Striker. He says that on Sunday, The Big Show will lose to John Cena. From behind, Truth is struck with a massive blow from The Big Show.
Mixed Tag Team Match
Santino & Layla v. Beth Phoenix & Ricardo Rodriguez
The Divas start off the match. Layla counters a lift and kicks the hand of Ric. He tries to run into the ring but gets kicked. Beth slams Layla down and tries for a cover. Layla kicks out. Layla bounces off the second rope with a crossbody and goes for the cover. Beth kicks out. Layla hits a faceplant but is whipped into the ropes. She responds with a tilt-a-whirl which catches Ric and throws him out of the ring! Santino is on the outside and starts to put on the Cobra. Ricardo flips out and charges the other way, right into the post! Back in the ring, Beth nails Layla with the Glamslam. This match is over.
Winners: Beth Phoenix & Ricardo Rodriguez
After the match, Ricardo starts to celebrate in the ring. Santino isn’t too thrilled and rips off Ric’s shirt – to reveal a skin tight Justin Bieber shirt!
# In the back, Vince is with David Otunga. He understands that Vince is here to evaluate JL. He offers himself as a replacement if Laurinaitis is to be fired. Vince says that lawyers are parasites that prey upon the ills of society. Kofi runs in and says that he wants to fight Big Show tonight. Johnny follows and agrees to the match, but it will be in a steel cage!
Daniel Bryan gets in the ring and mentions that Punk and Kane both have a weakness. It is a 95 pound distraction named AJ. Bryan says that Punk is trying to get with his ex-girlfriend in order to make him jealous. Bryan says that Kane thinks it is getting to second base when a girl looks him in the face and doesn’t vomit. They are both enamored with a girl who is still in love with Daniel Bryan. Bryan says he can’t blame her for wanting to have something as great as everything he is. Besides, once you go Bryan, there is no point in trying! Quite frankly, he isn’t interested in AJ, what he is interested in is beating CM Punk for the Championship. *Yes! Yes! Yes!*
CM Punk’s music hits and he makes his way onto the entrance ramp. He says that for someone who claims not to be interested in AJ, he sure talks about her a lot. Punk says that AJ is actually a cool girl, and they both have something in common- Bryan. Punk says that AJ is a bit crazy, but everyone knows that he digs crazy chicks. But Punk digs his Title even more. On Sunday it is a Triple Threat match, but Punk vows to walk out as Champion.
Bryan says no, no, no. He asks what happened to the CM Punk he used to know. He panders to everyone, not just the voiceless. And the reason the crowd is voiceless is because they have nothing intelligent to say. Bryan says that the biggest sellout in the entire company is Punk. Punk puts over his shoot promo from the past year. Punk says that since he has spoken his mind, nothing has changed about himself; he is still the same guy. He has achieved success at the highest level on his own terms. He did it without compromising or kissing ass. They used to be similar. They both shattered the glass ceiling. But Bryan has become an insecure, goat faced, moron. This is okay because the WWE is always in need of those types of people. Punk says that on Sunday he is going to put him to sleep.
Kane’s pyro erupts and he makes his way down to the ring. He says he is here to remind them of who he is. He has set fire to JR, electrocuted Shane McMahon’s testicles, and tombstoned a priest. His pipebombs are actual pipebombs. That’s why on Sunday he will leave No Way Out with the Championship.
AJ walks down to the ring and tells them all to stop. AJ says that regardless of what Kane says, she looked into his eyes last week and saw that deep down in his tortured soul he actually has a heart. Punk says you have to love crazy chicks. The crowd chants *Crazy Chick*. She addresses Bryan and says that you never truly get over your first love, and she hasn’t. She then turns her attention to Punk and says that he is pretty much the coolest person she has ever met in her life. Bryan asks what the point is. She says that this Sunday she knows that the best man will win.
John Laurinaitis appears on the Titantron and announces that tonight; Daniel Bryan & Kane will be facing CM Punk & AJ!
#1 Contenders Match for the World Heavyweight Championship
Christian v. Great Khali v. Dolph Ziggler v. Swagger
Khali chops Swagger hard and chokes out Ziggler. He chops Ziggler across the chest and delivers a couple of head butts. Ziggler & Swagger manage to knock Khali down to the mat and Christian delivers a Frogsplash. All three men cover Khali, and the giant is eliminated.
*Khali has been eliminated
Back from the break, Christian is going punch and slap happy. Ziggler delivers a dropkick. Vickie’s team double teams Christian, and Vickie slaps him for good measure. Christian throws Dolph out of the ring and goes after Dolph. Swagger throws him into the corner, but Christian counters with an elbow and flying European uppercut. Ziggler rolls into the ring and grabs the tights of Christian for a pin. Christian kicks out and throws Swagger right into Ziggler. Christian looks for the Killswitch, but Swagger tries to counter. In the corner, Christian rolls through a splash attempt but gets caught in an ankle lock. He almost makes it to the rope, but Swagger pulls him back into the center of the ring. Christian counters and sends Swagger into the post. He connects with the Killswitch, and Ziggler goes for the cover!
*Jack Swagger has been eliminated
Christian gets to his feet and plants Ziggler face first into the mat. Christian is hobbling on his leg, so Ziggler focuses his attack. Christian kicks out of a cover, but Ziggler stomps on his leg. Ziggler locks on a half Boston crab. Christian kicks him away and delivers an elbow. Christian whips him towards the corner but gets caught in a Sleeper! Christian throws him off and punches him in the face. Ziggler leaps, but Christian catches him and seesaws him into the corner. Christian hits a spear and goes for the cover. Ziggler kicks out! Ziggler hits the Zig Zag and this match is – NO! Christian kicks out. Christian hits a quick neckbreaker and goes for a cover, but Ziggler kicks out. Christian takes to the top rope, but Ziggler counters and hits the Zig Zag. This match is over.
Winner: Dolph Ziggler
After the match, Sheamus appears on the entrance ramp. He stares down Dolph and shows him the Title.
# Natalya is in the back with Vince and says that she loved his match with Bret at ‘mania. She says they should do the whole family thing again. Vince walks away and the Brodus dancers ask if he will repeal the ban of the Funkasaurus from RAW. He declines. They say that at least they know he knows how to get funky. Vince says, “Somebody Call My Momma” and proceeds to get Funky!! After the dance Zack Ryder walks into the shot and stares on in bewilderment. Vince says, “Woo Woo Woo, You Know It”.
Ryback v. Two Jobbers
Winner via What-Else-Did-You-Think-Would-Happen: Ryback
# Hornswoggle is in the back with Vince and they are watching video of him mocking Jim Ross. Vince gives him a couple of pointers, including a mocking of the Bell’s Palsy. Cena walks into the office and says that they both know that Laurinaitis is awful. Vince points out that Cena lost to The Rock at WrestleMania. Cena points out Vince’s WM losses. Vince tells him not to interfere in the Kofi/Big Show match tonight. Cena says that he will take care of his business on Sunday. David Otunga walks into the office and says that he is only a lawyer when needed. Vince says no one likes someone who puckers up and kisses another man’s behind. Vince says no offense… to William Regal who is sitting on the couch.
Steel Cage Match
Kofi Kingston v. Big Show
Kofi attack Show on his way into the ring, but Show quickly gains the advantage. Kofi is tossed into the steel cage. Show continues the attack by throwing him into the cage several more times. Kofi feebly tries to kick, but it is for naught as Show is firmly in control. Kofi tries to scramble up the cage, and then out the door, but Show drags him back in both times. Show clobbers Kofi once again and then slowly walks out of the cage.
Winner via Walking Out the Door: The Big Show
Sin Cara v. Curt Hawkins
Cara hits a beautiful tilt-a-whirl that sends Hawkins out of the ring. He follows up with a corkscrew plancha. Curt throws him back into the ring and lifts him up for an electric chair. Cara flies back with a carthwheel elbow. Sin hits a bouncing arm drag, followed by a step ladder arm drag. Sin hits La Mistica and this match is over.
Winner via La Mistica: Sin Cara
# Daniel Bryan is in the back warming up. Vince comes up and wishes him good luck in the match. Bryan is surprised because he didn’t think Vince would like a guy like him. Vince says you shouldn’t judge a book by its cover. For instance if Bryan was walking with a bag of groceries, no one would confuse him for a WWE Superstar. Bryan says he was fired from the company once and he proved himself. Vince says he lost his match at ‘mania in record time.
Heath Slater v. VADER!!!!
The crowd is going crazy for Vader. He backs Slater into the corner and unloads with punches. Slater tries to get back into the match, but is whipped into the ropes and hit with a clothesline. Vader punches him a couple of times and goes for a cover. Slater kicks out. Vader lifts him up for a vertical suplex. Slater kicks out of the cover. He tries to gain an advantage but Vader refuses to fall down. Slater tries to lift him up but Vader falls on his chest for a cover. Slater kicks out. Vader hits a Belly to Belly suplex. Vader hits the Vader Bomb and this match is over!
Winner via Vader Bomb: Vader
AJ is in the back with Punk and says that she is worried. Punk says that it is a glorified handicap match. Punk says to listen to what he says and stay on the apron and not do anything crazy. She gives him a peck on the cheek and says okay.
Daniel Bryan & Kane v. CM Punk & AJ
Punk and Kane start things off. Bryan quickly tags in and kicks the craziness out of Punk. Punk gets to his feet and hits a couple of elbows and a swinging neckbreaker. He runs into the corner and hits a high knee. Punk hits a snap scoop slam and goes for the cover. Bryan kicks out. Punk heads to the top rope and gets ready for the elbow. Bryan rolls out of the way and tags in Kane. Punk is thrown towards the corner and AJ is accidentally tagged into the match. AJ starts to prance around the ring like a puppy dog. AJ leaps into the arms of Kane… and starts to make out with him!
Kane walks towards the corner and tags in Bryan. AJ tags in Punk. Bryan is caught with a kick and Punk takes to the top rope. He leaps for the elbow, and this match is over!
Winners: CM Punk & AJ
Vince McMahon’s music hits and he makes his way down to the ring with security in tow. He says that he loves Hartford. His daughter was born in Hartford, so it’s time for a professional career to end tonight. Vince calls out Laurinaitis who makes his way down to the ring. He says that first of all, he doesn’t appreciate what he did to the scooter. Second, he doesn’t need all of these security guards because he would never touch Vince. Vince laughs because he says that the security aren’t for him, they are for JL! John says that since taking over he has done great things for the WWE. Vince says that he has two words that are synonymous with himself—
The Big Show’s music hits and he makes his way down to the ring. Show says that JL has made a few mistakes, but the one thing that he has done right was give him a contract that allows him to say or do anything that he wants to. He knows that Vince could fire him. But, if he did he’d have to pay him millions of dollars a year for a number of years. Show puts over that he is going to beat Cena at No Way Out.
Cena says that Show is blaming everyone else for his failures. He is claiming that for 14 years he has been a joke, but thanks to Johnny he can finally be a giant. Cena says that Show has always been a giant. Cena asks what makes now so different. It’s because for once, everything revolves around Show. He has the contract he wants, management behind him, the match he wants, and the opponent he wants. Cena says that he has stacked the deck so high that Show should win. He might just give Cena a beat down that he won’t come back form, but what happens if he doesn’t. Does Show realize what he has set himself up for? There will be no more excuses. Show will no longer be the World’s Strongest Athlete; he will simply be a sellout.
Vince says that he will be ringside for the match on Sunday, right next to John Laurinaitis. If Show loses, then Vince will fire Laurinaitis! Cena and Show begin to brawl. Show tries to punch Cena, but instead he knocks out Vince!
It’s always a treat to see Vince McMahon in the WWE, and tonight was no disappointment. They went heavy with the references and backstage segments which would seem to suggest that he won’t be back on RAW for a little bit, probably until the 1000th episode. I can see how some would feed disappointed that he didn’t actually make the decision that he was supposed to regarding Laurinaitis, but they decided to use it as a promo tool for the PPV. Vince throwing the scooter off the entrance ramp really made me chuckle.
Tensai’s loss to Sheamus is going to be used to propel a new stage of his character. They’ve already removed the Lord from his name and stopped with the Tajiri spray. Will it make a difference? I’m not so sure. As talented of a wrestler as he was in Japan, he’s just never really been able to make a huge impact during any of his WWE runs. I’ve tried to give him a fair shot, but he just doesn’t do anything for me.
For the first time in quite some time, Teddy Long was given a fair moment on the telecast. Sure he loves things that involve four competitors (Tag Team Match!), but the Fatal Four Way made sense for tonight.
The Mixed Tag Team match was probably the best match of the night, at least in terms of entertainment value. Ricardo walking head first into the steel post caused me to pause the show that’s how much I was laughing. The Justin Bieber shirt was a nice touch.
I’m heartbroken over the loss of Kelly Kelly. Sigh.
Bryan/Punk/Kane was a fairly well done in ring promo. I’m glad that they seemed to get a lot of focus tonight as the WWE Championship has been relegated to second tier over the past couple of months. Sure, Cena still ended the show, but these guys received a fair chunk of air time. #GoatFace was the #1 Trend World Wide at one point last night. Brilliant.
Dolph Ziggler is back in the main even picture. Other than his little tease with the Title during the controversial angle with Edge, he’s never had an actual run with the belt. I don’t really see it happening this time, but it is the summer and WWE likes to try out new things.
I thought the Vince McMahon mocking of Jim Ross’ Bell’s Palsy was classless and unnecessary.
I’m glad Sin Cara is using La Mistica. He has the option to transition the move into an arm bar if he is ever given an actual match of length with meaning.
Not that much that I can say about Big Show destroying Kofi Kingston. You have to feel bad for Kofi; he can’t seem to get a tag team partner that doesn’t have to leave for one reason or another during a Championship reign.
Vader?? I didn’t see that one coming and I was pleasantly surprised with his performance. I was more surprised with how into his match the crowd was tonight. He received a fair amount of time, and dammit if he wasn’t entertaining.
AJ kissing Kane was absolutely fantastic. It wasn’t just a short little kiss either; they locked it on for a solid ten seconds. I can only imagine that in the pre-show meetings Kane saw the segment and declared it the best RAW script ever written. I can’t blame him!
34-year-old currently living in Syracuse, New York. Long-time fan of the New York Mets, Chicago Bulls, and Minnesota Vikings. An avid fan of professional wrestling and write reviews/articles on the product. Usually focusing on old-school wrestling.