Credit to: Rajah.com
-We see clips from RAW where Vince tells Ric to sell his stock.
-We’re in the Scope in Norfolk, Virginia for Smackdown! with Michael Cole and Jerry “The King” Lawler. We find out that tonight, Rock and Triple H will take on The Undertaker and Kurt Angle.
Tazz vs. Chris Jericho
Tazz comes out first, followed by the Undisputed champion. Tazz challanged Jericho after his assault on Maven on RAW. Tazz takes it to Jericho. T-Bone by Tazz. Jericho slides out of the ring, but goes into the table and then back into the ring. Flying forearm by Jericho. Belly to belly by Tazz. Judo throw and clothesline by Tazz. Tazz counters a suplex and hits a belly to belly. Bulldog by Jericho, who misses the Lionsault. Tazz locks in the Tazzmission. Low blow and Breakdown by Jericho, 1-2-3.
Here is your winner- Chris Jericho
We see Flair contemplating. Will he sell his stock? Will he buy that purple feather boa he’s had his eye on? Stay tuned to find out! Commercial break.
-The Acolytes play poker, and Bradshaw reminices about his youth friendship with LL Cool J. (A Texas native, beer drinking, redneck professional wrestler, and a rapper…does anyone else smell sitcom?) Other members of Rollerball come in to hype the movie, but I really wasn’t paying attention to what they were saying. It’s probably just LL pretending he can act.
-Flair comes down to the ring. Flair gets all teary-eyed (it’s gonna be a sentimental moment, folks) here in his home territory. Flair says it’s fair to say that he and Norfolk have bonded over the years. He and Norfolk have a lot of history. That history makes his decision harder. The decision is not just for him but for the WWF. This business isn’t about him. It’s about the fans. The young stars need to be taken care of, so he’s here to say goodbye. Last year, he never got to say goodbye. He wanted to say thank you, to everyone there live, and everyone “in the camera”. (What? Is there like some little village in all the cameras? Little camera morlocks who do nothing but watch wrestling all day?) People like the Rock, Austin, Taker, Jericho, the Hardyz, the Dudleyz, they don’t need to go through the nWo. They need to keep on rising. (like bread, right, Ric? Like good Cinnamon toast. Mmm. Cinnamon toast.) He hopes his family is proud, because he’s proud to be a part of the fans’ lives.
Diamond Dallas Page vs. Christian- European Title
It’s he, it’s he, it’s DDP. Christian comes out next. Christian slaps DDP. DDP chases Christian around. Tilt-O-Whirl slam by DDP. Slap and Clothesline by DDP, 1-2-kickout. Guillotine on the ropes by Christian. Christian suplexes DDP on the ropes and then shoulderblocks him off the apron. DDP goes into the stairs. Back in the ring, Christian hits a Sleeper. DDP battles out and hits a Sleeper Slam. Powerbomb by DDP, 1-2-kickout. DDP pulls Christian, groin first, into the post. Christian grabs the ropes as DDP tries to hit the Diamond Cutter. Christian then covers DDP with his feet on the ropes, but DDP still kicks out after two. Christian reverses the Diamond Cutter into a cover, 1-2-kickout. DDP reverses the Unprettier and hits the Diamond Cutter for the 1-2-3!
Here is your winner and NEW European Champion- Diamond Dallas Page
-A limo arrives, and it’s Vince McMahon. But he’s not alone. He has the most powerful force that has ever graced the WWF screens. The most hideous, insidious, umm…another bad word that ends in “dious” group that WWF fans have ever seen. It’s…LAWYERS! Coach tells Vince that Ric is ready to sign the papers, Vince says that he wants the signing to be public.
-We’re seeing a Shattered Dreams Production. Goldust is tired of waiting and hiding. The mysterious “he” is asking when the madness will end. It won’t end. This Monday night, Goldust will reveal himself to “him”. (He’ll “reveal himself to him”? Ew. I don’t wanna see that…man, I sure do cram in a lot of gay jokes in this report, don’t I?) “He” will never forget the name of…Goldust.
JR is interviewing Stephanie McMahon-Helmsly. The fans think her career is over, and she’s hanging onto her husband’s coattails. How does Steph respond to that. She tells the fans to wait and see what she is capable of. Don’t forget what she accomplished. She formed the Alliance and nursed her husband back to health to win the Royal Rumble and a shot at the Undisputed Title. JR asks about her relationship with her husband. We see a clip of Steph costing Trips his match with Booker T on RAW. Steph says she made a mistake. JR admires her honesty. We see Trips’ response to the loss. JR asks for Steph’s response to the response. (I wonder what Triple H’s response will be to her response to his response! Then what will be Steph’s response to…I could do this for hours) Steph says Triple H was very emotional. It hurt her feelings, but she forgives him. JR asks about her marriage, implying that the fans think she cheated on Trips. She says she never has and never would. JR implies that maybe Trips would cheat on her. Steph says that he never even looks at another woman. There’s no woman as beatiful and compassionate or as good in bed as she is. JR questions her childlike actions and says that even though she says her marriage is fine, we see otherwise on TV. Steph says that he only sees the things on TV. In real life, they’re fine. All his sources are wrong. JR can shove it. She’ll give him personal answers- ones he won’t want to hear. (Ooh, maybe dirty things!) As far as her marriage is concerned, she’s going to prove how much her husband loves her. Wait, she never thought of that before. She thanks JR.
-We see more Acolytes drooling over Rebecca Romijn-Stamos, while LL and Chris Klein hype the crap out of Rollerball. (Which, incidentally, was made by the filmmaker of The Fast and the Furious. Great, because we all know what a high-quality, intelligent film THAT was…) Booker T comes in and yells at LL for not inviting him to the Rollerball premiere. (I’m sure he could get tickets. The premiere is probably in an alley somewhere. “Robby the Hobo” is probably one of the big guests) Booker wonders why he wasn’t in the movie. LL says because there was no scene where someone gets his ass kicked in a grocery store. Booker says he’ll get a tag team partner and take on the Acolytes.
The Dudley Boyz vs. Rob Van Dam and Edge
William Regal comes down and is frisked before he goes over to the announce table. The Dudleyz then come down with Stacy Keibler. RVD comes out next, finally followed by Edge. Edge and RVD dive over and beat on Regal. The Dudleyz take it to Edge and RVD. In the ring, D-Von and Edge start the match off. Blind tag by RVD. Reverse X-Factor by Edge. Rolling Thunder by RVD, 1-2-kickout. Neckbreaker off the second rope by D-Von. Tag to Bubba. Neckbreaker by Bubba, followed by two elbow drops and a double axe handle, 1-2-kickout. Snapmare and neck submission by Bubba. Scoop slam by Bubba. D-Von hits the Non-Wassap Headbutt. Spinning heel kick by RVD. Double tag. Shot to D-Von. Two clotheslines to Bubba. Spinning heel kick to Bubba. Edge tosses out D-Von and hits a neckbreaker on Bubba, 1-2-D-Von breaks up the count. Bubba clotheslines Edge outside. Enziguiri and Five Star Frog Splash to D-Von by RVD. Bubba powerbombs RVD. Spear to Bubba, 1-2-kickout. Regal gets on the apron, Bubba accidently hits him, Edge hits the Edgecution for the 1-2-3!
Here are your winners- Rob Van Dam and Edge
-Booker is ranting to himself. “‘Mama said knock you out’…I’ll knock HIS mama out!” Test comes in, wanting to be Booker’s parnter. Booker says that they’ll get LL Cool J. Test says no, he just wants to impress Rebecca Romijn-Stamos. After they beat the Acolytes, she’ll want to take the Test.
-Vince looks at the papers with his lawyers.
-We see clips from RAW where Austin beats Angle.
-Lillian finds Kurt backstage and asks about his state of mind after losing his shot. Angle is not a loser. He’s accomplishe everything. he is a winner. Lillian says that technically, he’s not. he didn’t win the Rumble. Kurt blames Triple H. He’ll never forgive HHH. Kurt is special. He’s that damn special. He’s everything HHH is and more. He’s going to go Olympic on his ass.
-Ric comes into Rock’s locker room to tell him that he’s everything Ric wanted him to be and more. Rock tells Ric, “Thanks for all the memories, Nature Boy”.
Acolytes vs. Booker T and Test.
The Acolytes come out to the ring with them actor folks (and LL too…oh, come on, I needed to get one last cheap shot in). “Hey, LL, what’s up, dawg?” -King. The Non-Sucka, Booker T, comes out next. Test comes out last. Farooq and Book start. Test pulls Farooq ou and tosses him into the table. Test tries to hit on Rebecca, when Farooq takes him out. Test and Booker double team Farooq. Booker takes it to Farooq. Powerslam by Farooq. Double tag. Shoulderblock and big boot to Test. Big boot to Booker. Test is clotheslined outside. Double shoulderblock to Booker. Bradshaw is knocked outside. Scissors kick to Farooq. Test accidently hits Book with the Big Boot. Farooq counters the Pump Handle Slam and Bradshaw hits the Clothesline from Hell for the 1-2-3!
Here are your winners- The Acolytes
After the match, the Acolytes celebrate with the celebrities (and LL too…last one, I promise).
Kurt Angle and the Undertaker vs. Triple H and the Rock
Kurt comes out first. Taker continues to get popped, no matter how hard the WWF tries to make him bad, when he comes out next. Triple H makes his entrance, then (twenty minutes later) Rock finally comes out. After a fifteen minute staredown between Rock and Taker, the match starts. Angle and Trips start, but Taker tells Angle that he wants to start. HHH and Taker stare down, and Angle takes out HHH from behind. Trips smacks Kurt’s knee into the post a few times, then spears Angle’s leg. HHH works on Angle’s leg. Powerslam by Trips. Spear to Taker, who got in the ring. Trips sets up the Pedigree, but Undertaker hits a big boot. Tag to Taker. Taker takes it to HHH and tags Angle. Three German suplexes to HHH. Shot to Rock. HHH reverses the Olympic Slam and hits a German. Tag to Rock. Flying forearm to Angle. Shot to Taker. Spinebuster to Angle. Rock goes for the People’s Elbow, but Taker clotheslines him. Trips clotheslines Taker to the outside. Taker takes it to Rock outside. Rock goes into the post and then back in the ring. Cover by Angle, 1-2-kickout. Leg takedown by Rock. Sharpshooter. Taker breaks up te hold. The ref is distracted and Taker pretedns he mad a tag. Taker counters the Rock Bottom and goes for a Chokeslam, which Rock counters. DDT to Taker. Double tag. Spunebuster to Angle. Neckbreaker to Undertaker. Clothesline and choke to Angle. Taker is clotheslined outside. Knee to Angle’s face. Angle dropes Trips on his knee, groin first. Angle goes into Trips’ knee. Pedigree to Angle. Taker nails Trips in the back with a chair and gets DQ’ed.
Here are your winners- Triple H and the Rock
After the match, Taker nails HHH with the chair. Taker goes for another chairshot, but Rock stops him and lays the smack down. Rock sets up the announce table. Big Boot to Rock. Rock goes into the steps. Taker goes for the chairshot, but Rock hits a Rock Bottom through the table. In the ring, Angle locks in the Anglelock. The refs break the hold, but Angle locks it in again on the ramp.
-We see the WWF of the past video package (with a Kid Rock song that makes him sound like John Denver).
-Flair runs into Arn Anderson as he goes to the ring. Flair gives him a hug. (Must…resist…gay…joke! If it was Patterson, I would have no hope.)
-Vince gets ready with the (shudder) lawyers in tow.
Vince comes down to the ring, which now conveniently has a table and chairs (from now on, whenever something unbelievable happens in the WWF, Gremlins did it). Vince isn’t going to publically humiliate Flair. He’s going to teach him and fans a lesson. That lesson is that perception isn’t always reality. Flair is perceived as a champion. In life, Fliar is just like the fans- a loser. Tonight will prove it. In reality, the Flairs of the world lose to the McMahons of the world. Flair isn’t signing because of the fans tonight. Flair will sign because he has lost. When Flair signs, MicMahon will own 100% of the WWF stock, but cannot bring in the nWo. If the nWo came into the WWF, they would have cut it open. But, as for what will acuatally happen- Vince announces Ric Flair. Flair comes down to the ring, but Vince tells the Sound Gremlins to cut the music. Flair is walking out for the last time. Vince feels sorry for Flair because his last whoo came out in a town lke Norfolk, Virginia. (Not just a town like it, but the town itself, Vince) Vince offers Flair a seat. There’s no surprises. Flair and his lawyer have already read the documents. Vince gives Ric a pen. Vince tells him not to have second thoughts. Flair stands up. Vince tells Ric to sign. Ric signs his first name and stops. Stone Cold Steve Austin comes out. Austin “What”s his days away at Vince. The fans give a “Hell Yeah” for Flair to tear up the contract and tell Vince and the nWo to go to hell. Ric punches Vince in the face and tears up the contract. Flair and Austin have a beer and celebrate.
Man of the Night- Hell, why not? Let’s give it to Ric Flair. You know, people have asked what the wrestlers do with the Man of the Night Awards. Actually, no one asked, but I’m going to tell you anyway. Well, there’s currently a Rocks Your Socks Museum being built, and each award is molded into the shape of the wrestler. These awards, and many other Captain memorabilia will be placed in the museum. I’ll post you with more information as it comes.
Match of the Night- Uhh…they all kinda sucked. I’ll go ahead and go with the Acolytes vs. Booker T and Test. Just because I got to make fun of LL Cool J.
Quotation of the Night- Instead of your Quotation of the Night, we got an overwhelming response about my comment that I should be a commentator for Smackdown! So, tonight, I announce the “Captain, not Cole Campaign”! Let’s put the Captain in the Commentator booth! You can make a difference, no matter what your mom says! (She never believed in you anyway)
Sign of the Night- “It’s WHOOOOO, morons, not WOOOOOOO!”