Written by: Tom Hopkins
We’re paying tribute on Memorial Day to the troops in Rockford, Illinois. Well, at least we’re out of Omaha.
-Mr. Perfect vs. Jim Evans-
Our announcers are still talking up the Bulldog/Perfect IC title match. Perfect hiptosses Evans and does his patented neck-snap. I wish more people would do that. We bring in a video of Winston, Bulldog’s dog and he lifts a paw. Perfect dropkicks Evans and asks, “Where’s the competition?” Evans reverses an Irish whip but Perfect clotheslines him on the rebound. “Now you’re gonna see…a perfect-plex.” This is over at 2:05. I could watch Perfect wrestle all day long. (1/2* – the usual rating for decent squash matches).
We head to the Update Center with Mean Gene. This is brought to us by WWE Supertape 4. The big question this week is who will be Andre’s manager? He’s already spanked Heenan and stuffed Slick and Fuji is giving him his pitch. It’s all about the money. It’s no deal and Fuji gets a faceful of cake.
-Tugboat vs. Warren Bianchi-
This match is so boring it’s interrupted by a promo by Tugboat himself! Tugboat splashes Bianchi before clotheslining him down and hitting a big fat splash on the mat to end this travesty at 1:39. (DUD, this was just terrible and its only redeeming factor is that it was less than two minutes).
Let’s talk about the WBF! Troy Zuccolotto is here pumping iron. Nope, no steroids here.
-Col. Mustafa vs. George Anderson-
This looks like it’ll be the second DUD of the night! Before we start, let’s hear from Hacksaw Jim Duggan. Here’s what he said. “Blah blah blah, USA, blah blah blah Iraq bad.” That’s paraphrased by the way. The Cobra Clutch ends this at 1:24. (DUD and it looks like I was right).
Sean Mooney joins us at the Event Center and we hear from the Texas Tornado and the Orient Express although neither was particularly interesting.
-Bret Hart vs. Gary Wilde-
Bret has really cool boots on tonight. Bret just dominates Wilde from the start. He bodyslams Wilde and legdrops him. A side-Russian legsweep sets up the second rope elbow (a move that is usually set up by the backbreaker) and Bret just hammers away. Bret tries for a backbreaker but then just drops him. The Sharpshooter ends this at 2:37 and Wilde actually taps out. Was he the first guy to officially tap out on WWE TV? (1/4* Bret phoned in this squash match).
Let’s go to Sean Mooney. We hear from IRS and the British Bulldog who tells us he’s still undefeated. He wants the IC title.
-The Nasty Boys vs. Red Tyler & Buck Zumhoff-
Wow, so we’ve had the IC and the Tag champs on the same show tonight. We wait a minute before Zumhoff gets his face rubbed into Sags’ armpit. Sags sends Zumhoff into the corner so Tyler can be tagged in. Tyler gets double-teamed in the corner before a Sags elbow finishes this at 3:23. (1/2* – This was what it was).
We hear from the Bushwhackers who are selling the WWE ice-cream bars. I’ve hade those before. They were actually decent.
Let’s go to the Funeral Parlor and our guest, Jake Roberts. Paul talks about the death in Jake’s family and Jake responds with threats. Jake knocks Bearer down. Was this the start of Jake’s evil turn that would culminate in him bringing Warrior through all sorts of trials?
-The Mountie vs. Ricky Rice-
I have a feeling this will end with a choke-slam and a shock-stick attack afterwards. Mountie smashes Ricky’s face into the turnbuckles. “I AM THE MOUNTIE!” Well, looks like I was right. The boss-man-choke-slam ends this at 1:55 and guess what’s next? SHOCK-STICK TIME! (1/4* – I had way too many caps in this review).
-The Rockers vs. Al Burke & Bob Bradley-
The Rockers get a good reaction from the female audience members. Jannetty and Bradley start with Jannetty getting a quick sunset flip for two. Jannetty arm-drags Bradley over before tagging in Michaels. Michaels flies off the top with an elbow after Bradley is whipped to the corner. Michaels hits another elbow before Burke is tagged in. He takes a neckbreaker from Shawn and a Rocker-drop from Jannetty. The double fist-drop ends this at 2:00. We were getting closer to the break-up. (3/4* – A really fun tag squash match).
We hear from Power and Glory (w/Slick) and I always thought these guys were huge losers even when I was a mark! Big Boss Man wants a match with the Mountie.
We run down the show for next week (Earthquake, Texas Tornado, Undertaker, Legion of Doom) before we hear from Jimmy Hart, who has a big announcement for the WWE.
-The Bottom Line-
This sucked but at least it didn’t suck as bad as last week. This is just two bad episodes in a row, which I guess puts it about on par with Raw nowadays.