Written by: Matt Peddycord
WWF: Raw is War
December 29, 1997
The current WWF champs are as follows:
World Champion: Shawn Michaels (11/9/1997)
Intercontinental Champion: Rocky Maivia (12/8/1997)
World Tag Team Champions: Road Dogg & Billy Gunn (11/24/1997)
European Champion: Hunter Hearst Helmsley (12/22/1997)
Light Heavyweight Champion: TAKA Michinoku (12/7/1997)
TIME TO GET RAW! Your hosts are Jim Ross, Michael Cole, and Kevin Kelly.
Not sure where this issue came about since both guys are focused on other people at the moment, but TAFKA Goldust and Luna Vachon head out to the ring. I feel like I always have to describe what Goldust is wearing because it’s always something different and completely wacked. This week, he’s wearing a baby new year outfit with a diaper and baby bonnet. Of course he has an oversized baby bottle and pacifier as well. He wishes us all a happy new year. JR is convinced Goldust is doing a Nathan Lane impression. Goldust announces he will be entering the Rumble match on January 18. He knows Stone Cold Steve Austin will be in that match as well. Goldust thinks he’s the actual toughest SOB in the WWF and will prove it here tonight. After he spanks Austin, he will put a lacy thong on him. Goldust will be your Barbie doll and Austin can be his ken doll. Oh wow. Here comes Austin. He says the violence will continue into 1998 because he is the toughest SOB in the WWF. Austin refuses to wrestle since Goldust is such a piece of crap and truly a pathetic sight. In fact, he sucks and that’s the bottom line. Austin has something slowly descending from the rafters. I assume it’s not Sting. It’s a porta-john from supposedly a nearby construction site. A sign says Crapper 3:16 over the door. When Goldust tries to surprise from around the side of the porta-john, Austin slams the door in his face and gives him a butt-whooping. Austin runs him into the porta-john and tosses him inside. Once Goldust comes out, Austin catches him with a STONE COLD STUNNER and turns the porta-john over when Goldust is back inside. Austin calls this a commode full of whoop-ass. Well, that was a smelly situation, says Ross. This is just one of those things you just have to laugh about.
Long Island Brawl: The Disciples of Apocalypse vs. Los Boricuas
Our esteemed commentators remind us that this feud has been happening now for over five months and it seems nothing has been resolved. Crush is no longer with us, but he was taken out by Kane and not Los Boricuas. JR says Crush couldn’t cut it in the WWF due to Kane. Savio, Jose, and Miguel represent Los Boricuas here tonight with Jesus Castillo on the outside. Just a big mindless fight. Jesus comes in and replaces Savio even though he’s not supposed to be in the match. He holds Chainz for a spinning heel kick from Savio, but Chainz ducks and Jesus gets nailed. Chainz covers Jesus and gets the three-count. (3:19) I guess all Puerto Ricans look the same to Mike Chioda. Even in different clothes! ½*
There’s also a gigantic crate sitting by the entrance ramp. WHAT’S IN THE BOX? We’ll find out here tonight.
After the break, the *NEW* European champion Hunter Hearst Helmsley and Chyna come out to announce he can’t wrestle Owen Hart tonight because he legitimately dislocated his knee cap last night. Helmsley is chewing gum and almost doing a Shawn Michaels impression during this promo. He tells the Undertaker that his pal Shawn Michaels is sick at home with a 102 degree fever, so Taker will just have to wait until the Royal Rumble to rest in pieces. BONG! The lights go out and some druids wheel a casket down to the ring. When they get to the ring, they open the crate and out pops Shawn Michaels! Oh ho boy! There’s your WWF champion, ladies and gents. Shawn is here to discuss the Undertaker, but first he and Helmsley joke about Chyna’s enhanced boobies. That’s right. After ten months of being here in the WWF, she can finally show off those cans. Feminizing Chyna kind of ruins the mystery of Chyna, doesn’t it? He calls Owen lucky that Helmsley is injured, but soon enough Hunter will rid the world of that little nugget. As for the Undertaker, their encounter at the Royal Rumble will be the third and final chance for him to beat Shawn Michaels for the WWF title. 1998 will be the year of DX and nobody will crash their party. Here to crash DX’s party is Commissioner Slaughter. Since Helmsley is injured, he changes the main event to Shawn Michaels defending his WWF title against Owen Hart.
WHAT’S IN THE BOX? Please don’t turn over to Nitro! You know you gotta find out what’s in the box!
The DOA, Flash Funk, the Headbangers, and Scott Taylor are banning together to take care of Kane. It might take all of them to beat this man.
Ken Shamrock vs. Kama (w/Faarooq & D’Lo Brown)
Last week Shamrock defeated D’Lo, now he gets his hands on Kama. Pretty typical short match for Shamrock. He goes for the leg early, but the tide turns and Kama takes over. He lands the Hook Kick for two. When Shamrock mounts his comeback, Faarooq and D’Lo end up on the apron. Kama fails to connect on Shamrock and hits D’Lo by mistake. Shamrock takes Kama down in an armbar and switches over to the ANKLELOCK for the tapout. (3:37) Rocky Maivia comes out and first talks about how he doesn’t care about old people and social security as long as his wallet is lined with green stuff. He’s the Best Damn Intercontinental Champion There Ever Was. Rocky makes a match for next week: Shamrock versus the leader of the NOD Faarooq. Well, Faarooq doesn’t seem happy about Maivia ordering him around. ½*
WHAT’S IN THE BOX?!?!!?!
Vince McMahon gives us a personal message wishing us all a happy new year and how 1998 will be the most enjoyable year ever in the WWF.
TAKA Michinoku & George “The Animal” Steele vs. Jerry Lawler & Brian Christopher
Lawler says his son wants to be called Good Ol’ BC now. JR doesn’t seem interested. George Steele is a special mystery partner and gets quite a nice ovation from the Long Island crowd. He does his shtick chasing the heels out of the ring and eats the turnbuckles. While Steele is busy gnawing on a turnbuckle, the Lawlers jump TAKA. As we get a match going, Christopher blocks a rana with a powerbomb, but doesn’t capitalize. TAKA flips out of a suplex and catches Christopher with a spinning heel kick. Perfect Moonsault by TAKA, but Steele is in the ring. Lawler hits TAKA with a foreign object. Now Lawler heads up top and teases a moonsault. In comes Steele who jabs Christopher in the throat with a foreign object of his own. Lawler uses his better judgment and gets off the top rope. Lawler cuts off a tag to Steele and the match breaks down. Steele comes inside the ring anyways and jabbing people with his foreign object for the DQ. (2:38) Steele chases the Lawlers back to the dressing room. He grabs a drink tray the concession people carry from under the ring and heaves it at the ref for some reason. He’s an ANIMAL! He’s CRAZY! Well that was certainly different. ¾*
The crate has started to move! WHAT’S IN THE BOX I SAY?
ENTER THE WARZONE! Your hosts are Jim Ross & Jerry Lawler.
Out comes the New Age Outlaws wearing New York Rangers jerseys in the arena the New York Islanders play in. That’s just SO like the WWF, amirite? Dude Love is hurt with broken ribs and Mankind feels Cactus Jack is best suited to deal with these Outlaws especially here at home in Long Island, so now we get the return of Cactus Jack in the WWF. Cactus isn’t going into this match alone because he’ll have help from Chainsaw Charlie. Who is Chainsaw Charlie you might ask? An imaginary friend perhaps?
Road Dogg (w/Billy Gunn) vs. Cactus Jack
Cactus brings a barbed wire bat to the ring. As he gets double-teamed, it takes STEREO MANDIBLE CLAWS to clear Billy out of the ring and get this match started. He lands the knee in the corner and tosses Road Dogg out for the Cactus Elbow. The Cactus Clothesline takes Road Dogg out on the other side in front of Billy Gunn. Cactus fights him off, but gets blasted with a chairshot from Road Dogg. Umm, DQ ref? Back inside, Cactus still manages a DOUBLE-ARM DDT only for Gunn to break up the pinfall for the DQ. (2:13) So a chairshot to the head is fine, but don’t you DARE stop a three-count from happening. Cactus baits the New Age Outlaws over to the crate as someone inside is cutting through the box with a CHAINSAW. The Outlaws watch as a middle-aged crazy man wearing a ski mask covered in saw dust cuts his way out of the crate and chases them around with a chainsaw. Much like Foley, we have all lost our minds and Chainsaw Charlie is a real person. ½*
Sable heads out to the ring in a robe covering up what appears to be a neon green bikini for an interview with Kevin Kelly to promote the first monthly edition of RAW magazine. There’s quite a spread of Sable pictures in this issue. When she wants to disrobe and give us all a free preview, Marc Mero heads down and takes a seat in the ring. Mero repeats what he’s been saying lately calling himself the star and Sable as his property. When Kevin tries to get Mero to calm down and leave Sable alone, Mero PUNCHES HIM IN THE DICK. Oh my gosh that’s the best thing ever. Since he’s a hermaphrodite, it’s a double crotch punch! Anyways, Mero continues to yell at Sable and backs her into a corner until Tom Brandi once again makes the save. When he’s tending to Sable, Mero whacks him with the chair and gives Brandi a TKO on the chair. Mero then proceeds to tear the RAW magazine into shreds and shoves some of it down Brandi’s mouth and some down his pants. Heel Mero is pretty awesome, I must say.
The seven guys mentioned earlier who have been figuratively burned by Kane come out to the ring and call out Kane. You ask and you shall receive. He and Paul Bearer head down to the ring. Right as Kane makes it to the ring, the Undertaker’s music hits and the brothers look eye to eye at one another. When the moment is right, both Kane and the Undertaker starts punching the DOA, Headbangers, Flash Funk and Scott Taylor out of the ring! Once they are all gone, Undertaker and Kane give each other looks and Taker walks away. At the top of the ramp, Taker looks at the camera and reminds us that he will never fight his brother.
To give us all a sense that anything can happen and you must keep watching to see it, JR asks for what seems like the third time tonight what else can possibly happen here tonight.
Michael Cole is in the back asking the New Age Outlaws about their upcoming match at the Royal Rumble against the Legion of Doom. They are so freaked about Chainsaw Charlie that they violently grab Cole screaming at him. Chainsaw Charlie cuts through the locker room and the Outlaws run away in fear.
Jim Cornette gives another one of his commentaries. He thinks the landscape of wrestling for 1998 stinks. WCW, the nWo, and the WWF all stink. Nobody has any respect for wrestling anymore. He talks about moving to Connecticut a few years ago and how horrible that is. The WWF has great wrestlers, but there’s too much nonsense happening. The problem is that there’s two people running the wrestling world: one of them is a wannabe game show host with fake teeth and a fake tan while the other runs an office full of Yankees from New York City who only listen to people on the Internet. No more sports entertainment, Cornette wants wrestling. Down south, they know what wrestling is all about. Those in charge of the two big companies need to understand that wrestling fans watching a wrestling show want to see wrestlers wrestle. Ahh, vintage Cornette. He plans to bring tradition back to the WWF in 1998.
Just as Jim Ross is about to make an announcement concerning Mike Tyson, Sunny comes out and shows off a sample of her spread in the RAW magazine. Some lucky fan gets the copy she’s holding. She’s wearing a Ric Flair style robe (which is more like a Buddy Landel robe) over a provocative outfit and does a little bit of a Ric Flair impression. WOO!
Oh yeah, the Mike Tyson announcement. Jim Ross tells us that the WWF is in negotiation talks with Mike Tyson to appear at WrestleMania 14 in some capacity. Ross will provide us with more details as they become available.
WWF Champion Shawn Michaels (w/Chyna) vs. Owen Hart
Ironically enough, Earl Hebner is the ref for this one. A FIRED UP Owen does NOT mess around as he jumps Shawn on the floor during his entrance. They go in and out of the ring as Shawn takes one of his signature backdrops over the top to the floor. Commercials! When we return, Owen is still beating the heck out of Shawn as we see Hunter Hearst Helmsley has come down to ringside on crutches. Chyna trips up Owen to distract him as Shawn shoves Owen off the apron onto the guardrail. NASTY! Back in, Shawn hits a piledriver for 1-2-NO! There’s a DDT as well. Cover gets two. HBK hooks on the sleeper. Owen backs him into the corner for the break, but it takes a back suplex to stop the sleeper for good. HERE COMES OWEN! Boy, he is intense. Shawn does his best Ray Stevens corner bump into a clothesline for two. Spinning Heel Kick gets 1-2-NO! Belly to belly suplex scores another nearfall! Owen misses a corner charge, but ducks SWEET CHIN MUSIC and hits the ENZIGURI KICK OF EXTREME DISCOMFORT! Snap! Owen hooks the SHARPSHOOTER! Oh, but HHH breaks one of his crutches over Owen’s head from the floor for the DQ. (7:55 shown) Even though we all know that Owen doesn’t win the WWF title, JR’s call at the ending at least makes you want to suspend your disbelief for a second and believe Owen is about to take the belt away from Shawn. It gave me goosebumps at least. Just a small thing that shows how vital JR was to the success of the WWF and always will be. ***¼
DX beat the crap out of Owen with the unbroken crutch until we go off the air.
TOTAL BELL-TO-BELL TIME: 19:42.