Written by: Tom Hopkins
We’re still in Rockford, Illinois and just in time for National Shampoo Week. Where does he find that stuff? Vinnie Mac is with Roddy Piper and Macho Man. Vince runs down the line-up and it doesn’t look too impressive. This may be a very long 45 minutes.
-The Big Boss Man vs. Al Burke-
The jobber doesn’t even get an introduction but he does attack Boss Man from behind. That isn’t going to end up well for him. We hear from the Mountie as their feud leading to their Summerslam match was heating up. Boss Man hits a big boot and covers but lifts his opponent’s head up at two. The Boss Man Slam finishes this at 1:56. Boss Man looked a bit energetic here. I don’t think I’m gonna give ratings here anymore since a) they are all squash matches and b) they are within the same range of DUD to a half-star. If anything is above say *-ish than I will rate it but otherwise you know what you’re getting.
We head to the Update Center with Mean Gene. We recap the Andre/Jimmy Hart incident from last week. Jake Roberts has comments for Earthquake’s cowardly attack on Andre.
-Warlord vs. Red Tyler-
Warlord gut-wrench slams Tyler and I guess this is to show he’s a powerhouse. He works the neck of Tyler before ending it with a full nelson. At least it was psychologically sound.
Wow, a promo for Sid Justice.
We head to Sean Mooney who introduces us to promo’s Haku, who has Bobby Heenan with him. One of the people Haku called out was Bret Hart. Bret is here and he’s just focused on Perfect and the IC Title. Bret is going to figure out “brain-wise” how to get past them.
-British Bulldog vs. WT Jones-
Bulldog has Winston in his corner and WT is accompanied a snowball’s chance in hell. WT is hiptossed around before he’s bodyslammed. Bulldog locks on a reverse chinlock which just gives Mr. Perfect a chance to cut a promo. Bulldog suplexes Jones before going to the chinlock again. Why have rest-holds in a 2-minute squash match? The powerslam thankfully ends this at 2:16. This was really bad.
Hey, there’s a WBF PPV on the 15th of June!
-The Bezerker vs. Kerry Jackson-
I think that was the scrubs name. He was announced but his name wasn’t audible as Bezerker attacks him from behind. Bezerker does his running big boot while Jackson is hung up on the ropes and that is a good visual move. We hear from Bezerker and Fuji in a prerecorded comment. Bezerker does a standing powerslam on Jackson (twice) before tossing him out of the ring where Jackson is counted at 2:23. I never realized how interesting a character Bezerker was. He wasn’t wrestling; he was just beating his opponent before tossing him outside. That was unique.
Let’s head to Sean Mooney. He introduces us to promo’s from Greg Valentine, who is still trying to have a relevant career, and the Tag Team champions; the Nasty Boys.
-The Dragon vs. Dan Johnson-
They don’t even call him Ricky Steamboat anymore. The Dragon is undefeated in the WWE. I’m glad they don’t count his career as Ricky Steamboat. Vince talks about the Wrestlemania Heroes and History PPV on Hot Ticket and he mentions Steamboat’s classic match with Savage, of which this match doesn’t even come close. Steamboat does his usual array of kicks and chops before heading upstairs with a tomahawk chop and finishing with a top-rope crossbody for the pinfall at 1:31.
It’s Funeral Parlor Time! Paul Bearer’s guest is none other than IRS. IRS just says the only two things that are certain in life are death and taxes. This was a short interview segment.
We see more crazy Sid faces.
-Virgil vs. Bob Bradley –
The jobber’s name isn’t put on the screen and I wasn’t listening to his name and I don’t care to rewind. So, if the title says Virgil vs. Jobber than the announcers didn’t say it. If there’s a name it came from the announcers. Virgil atomic drops his foe before hitting some weak looking lefts to send jobber out of the ring. We hear from Ted DiBiase and Sherri. Virgil connects with an enzuigiri before hooking on the Million Dollar Dream to end this at 2:40.
-Sgt. Slaughter vs. Buck Zhumhoff-
Just when you thought this couldn’t get any worse. The Camel Clutch ends this nonsense at 2:12.
We hear from The Ultimate Warrior who hypes the WBF PPV before we go to the Event Center. We hear from The Orient Express and the Tugboat. We close with the line-up for next week, including a big 6-man tag match that was already featured on WWE Classics.com
-The Bottom Line-
This was as close to unwatchable as you could get.