-We start with clips from last Monday night where Rock and Trish Stratus take on Vince McMahon and Kurt Angle to decide whether Rock will kiss Vince’s ass or Vince will kiss Rock’s ass. Austin guillotines Angle and Rock hits the Rock Bottom for the three count! On Smackdown, Vince has to kiss Rock’s ass, or Angle will lose his title shot at Vengeance!
-We’re here in the Allstate Arena in Chicago for Smackdown! We find out that the main event will be The Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin vs. Kurt Angle and Chris Jericho!
Edge, Big Show, and Kane vs. William Regal and the Dudley Boyz
-Edge comes out first, followed by Big Show, then Kane. Regal comes out next, followed by the Dudley Boyz with Stacy Keibler (appearently, when the Alliance was fired, the hot women were allowed to stay). The Dudleyz get immediately tossed over the top rope. Edge back body drops Regal and they start this match off. D-Von nails Edge on the apron and Regal hits a clothesline. Tag to D-Von. Elbow to the back of the head of Edge, then a choke on the ropes. Tag to Bubba. Double shoulder block by the Dudleyz, followed by elbow drops and a double axe handle by Bubba. Cover, and a kickout after two. Edge and Bubba take each other out with a double clothesline. Double tag to Kane and D-Von. Right hands to D-Von. Back body drop to Bubba. Clotheslines to the Dudleyz. Big Boot and Lariat to Regal. Double team by the Dudleyz knocks Kane over the top rope. Blind tag by Edge, but he gets knocked off the apron. Big Show clears the ring. Stacy tries to distract Big Show, but Kane scares her and she falls into the ring. Big Show gets ready to spank her, but the Dudleyz stop him. Double flapjack to Big Show. 3-D to Kane. Big Show chokeslams Bubba, but Regal hits him with the brass knuckles. Spear to Regal. Edgecution to D-Von for the 1-2-3!
Here are your winners: Edge, Big Show, and Kane
-Angle is in the back, restlessly waiting for Vince. A limo pulls up, and Vince comes out. Angle is glad he showed up. He wanted to apologize for the loss on Monday, but it was Austin’s fault. Vince said he’s got plans for Austin. And as for plans, don’t be surprised if the Rock kisses Vince’s ass tonight.
-We see a clip from RAW where Jeff blind tags Matt and hits the Swanton over Spike Dudley for the win. Matt then yells at Jeff and Lita in the back. Matt makes Lita the special guest referee of their match at Vengeance!
-Jeff comes into Matt’s room. He says he heard that Matt has a Hardcore title match against Rob Van Dam tonight. He wonders what ever happened to what Matt said about them not having singles matches? (Wouldn’t them fighting each other count as a singles match?) What about them being the best tag team in WWF history? Matt says that Jeff is just jealous. Matt is using this match to warm up for their match at Vengeance. He thinks Jeff should warm up in a match too. Jeff hopes Matt wins, so that he can take the title at Vengeance. Matt asks Jeff if he thinks that Lita will go against him. Jeff says that if Lita is on his side, why isn’t she here tonight?
-Vince finishes telling Angle his plan. Austin is going to get his tonight. Angle gives Vince a cold candy. Angle can’t imagine to be Vince tonight, having to kiss Rock’s ass. Vince starts to tell Angle his plans to deal with Rock.
-We see clips from Monday where RVD hits the Van Daminator and Five Star Frog Splash to pin Christian.
Rob Van Dam vs. Matt Hardy
-RVD comes out, followed by Matt Hardy. Lockup, shoulder block by Matt. Swinging neckbreaker by Matt. Matt pulls out a ladder. Matt puts the ladder on the apron, and hits down on it, giving RVD a low blow. RVD falls out of the ring, and Matt dropkicks the ladder into the face of RVD. Matt nails RVD in the gut with the ladder twice. Matt throws the ladder at RVD, but he ducks. RVD bulldogs Matt onto the ladder. RVD rolls a big steel box into Matt’s gut, then hits a legdrop on the back of his head. 1-2-kickout. RVD goes for the ladder, but att hits him in the head with a trashcan. Matt sandwiches RVD with the ladder and then hits a legdrop onto the ladder with RVD in it. 1-2-kickout. Matt sets up the ladder, and climbs up with the steel chair. Matt jumps off, but RVD hits the Van Daminator while he was in mid-air! 1-2-3!
Here is your winner and STILL the Hardcore Champion- Rob Van Dam
-After the match, Undertaker comes out and beats on RVD. Taker tosses him into the mirrors on the set. He rams the ladder into RVD and then mocks RVD with the thumbs.
-We’re in the back, and Vince is feeling better as he talks to Angle. They’re going to take care of the Rock, then Austin. It’s going to be a double whammy. Angle will have his own double whammy on Sunday, when he becomes the Undisputed Champion.
Scotty 2 Hotty and Albert vs. Test and Christian
-Turn it up, because out comes Scotty and the man trying oh-so-desperately to be “hip”, Albert. (Oh sweet, merciful Buddha, they’re calling him “The Hip-Hop Hippo”…kill me now) Next comes out Test, followed by Christian. Christian a Scotty start off the match. Christian immediately tags Test. Test takes it to Scotty, but Hebner breaks it up, giving Scotty the chance to hit a missile dropkick, 1-2-kickout. Christian holds Scotty as Test comes at him, but Scotty hits a low blow on Test. Test accidentally clotheslines Christian. Clothesline to Scotty. Test takes it to Scotty, knocking him over the top rope. Scotty gets on the apron, hits a shouder thrust on Test and goes for the Sunset flip, but Test holds onto the ropes. Hebner kicks his hands off the ropes, and Scotty rolls up Test, 1-2-kickout. Test yells at Hebner, and Scotty hits a Superkick. Tag to Albert. Clotheslines by Albert. Jazzy punches to Test. Giant swing to Christian. Clothesline to Test. Tag to Scotty. Albert gets tossed into Test, then into Christian. Scotty hits a bulldog and goes for the W-O-R-M, but Christian goes for the Unprettier. Scotty counters, tossing Christian into Albert, who hits the Baldo Bomb. Test hits the Big Boot on Scotty and Albert and covers Scotty for the 1-2-3!
Here are your winners- Test and Christian
-After the match, Test hits the Big Boot on Hebner.
-Rock gets ready to come down to the ring.
-If ya smell…(And Vince IS going to smell it…) Rocky comes down to the ring and gets on the mic. Finally he’s come back to Chicago. Chicago is known for a lot of things- the Windy City, the first place Bears, and now where Vince got down on his knees and kissed some ass. Right here, in this very ring. Vince comes down to the ring and snatches the mic from Rock. Blend of “Rocky” and “Asshole” chants. Vince asks if Rock plans to humiliate him. To belittle him. His name is Vince McMahon, a certified billionaire, and can buy and sell every person in this arena. A man of his distinction does not kiss ass, especially not the People’s Ass. Rock is going to apologize and…WHAT? Stone Cold is on the TitanTron, “what”-ing his days away. Does Vince think Kurt was going to save the day? It’s a funny thing, because Stone Cold just kicked Angle’s ass. We see Austin whoop on Kurt for awhile. Austin came to make sure Vince kisses ass tonight. We get a hell yeah for Vince to kiss some ass. Rock takes his mic back. Sure sucks to be Vince tonight, huh? Now…The Nature Boy, Ric Flair, comes out. Ric says that Austin just took care of Vince’s plan A, but now he’s going to take care of plan B. If anyone else tries to come down and interfere in Vince’s ass-kissing, they’re suspended! Rock says there’s only one thing left to say- Vince, get down on your knees! (Cue porn music) Now it’s time for the People’s Ass. Rock does a little slow striptease, but then stops. Vince’s lips aren’t good enough for the People’s Ass. But he’s still going to kiss some ass. It’s going to be a slobberknocker! Out comes J.R.! Rock introduces the two and tells J.R. to put his cowboy hat on Vince. “Maybe J.R.’s wearing a thong!”- Micheal Cole. He asks if J.R. put some barbecue sauce on his booty. J.R. gets ready to pull down his pants, but Rock stops him and tells him to go over and sit at the announcer’s booth. The real ass Vince is going to kiss will give him Stratusfaction. Out comes Trish, and Vince smiles. Rock offers Vince some chap stick and tells Trish to turn around. She drops the drawers a little, but Rock stops Vince again, calling him a sick fffffff…reak. Vince is going to kiss a different ass, a hand-picked ass…Rikishi’s! “Look at the size of that ass!”- Jim Ross. Rock Bottom to Vince! Rock tosses Vince’s face into Rikishi’s ass! On behalf of the millions of Rock’s fans, Vince’s Ass-Kissing Club is officially closed! (Thank freakin’ goodness, no more saggy ass!)
-We see the slow motion replay of the ass.
Crash vs. Jacqueline
-Crash (he still exists?) comes down, followed by Jacqui (she still exists?). Head toss by Crash and pulls the hair of Jacqui (what is this, Jerry Springer?). Suplex by Crash, 2 count. Scoop slam by Crash. Crash goes up top, but Jacqui knocks him off and sets him up for a dropkick. 1-2-kickout. Roll-up by Jacqui, two count. DDT by Jaqui, 1-2-kickout. Jackui goes for the rollup, but Crash counters into another rollup and grabs the tights for the 1-2-3!
Here is your winner: Crash
-After the match, Jacqui bitches Crash out. Crash tosses Jacqui away. Jacqui knocks Crash out.
-Angle calls Vince. He doesn’t blame him for leaving. He mentions the ass kissing, and Vince starts yelling. A lot. Angle promises to make it up to Vince, but Vince hangs up.
-Booker T comes in a knocks on McMahon’s door, and Ric Flair is inside. Booker is looking for Vince. Ric offers the chance to talk to him. Booker has a common bond with Vince- a hatred for Austin. He needs to talk to Vince. Ric says Vince was “rear-ended”, and he won’t be back tonight. He asks if Booker took Austin’s car. Booker says that he was only taking it for a little joyride. Ric says he isn’t hiring tonight. Booker wants him to tell him he didn’t say that. Ric says he isn’t hiring tonight…whooooo.
-The Acolytes (Shock! Shock!) play cards as Undertaker walks by. The stare at him and he asks if they have a problem. Bradshaw says that he’s always had Taker’s back, and now he’s just slapping him in the face. Taker says if he slapped him in the face, he’d be in a corner crying like a little baby. They must think that J.R. didn’t get what he had coming to him. They must think J.R. is better than Taker. Maybe they think they’re better than Taker. He’s going down to the ring. He’ll teach them about respect, even if he has to beat it out of them.
Bradshaw vs. Undertaker
-Bradshaw comes down to the ring, followed by Undertaker, who gets a pretty big pop. (Appearantly, the folks in Chi-Town didn’t get the memo- Taker is a BAD GUY, folks) Taker takes it to Bradshaw. Bradshaw counters with an elbow. Shoulder block by Bradshaw. Clothesline and a swinging neckbreaker by Bradshaw, 1-2-kickout. Taker throws Bradshaw through the ropes. Bradshaw goes into the steel post. Elbow to the throat by Taker. Taker goes back in the ring and hits some jabs. Big Boot by Bradshaw and elbows, 1-2-kickout. Running DDT by Taker. Farooq comes down and gets on Taker’s bike. Taker is clotheslined over the top rope. Farooq rides away on Taker’s bike, and Bradshaw tosses Taker back into the ring. Bradshaw sets up for the Clothesline from Hell, but Taker hits a Big Boot. Chokeslam by Taker, 1-2-3.
Here is your winner- Undertaker
-After the match, Taker goes for his bike, but it’s just sitting there at the top of the ramp. RVD comes out and hits Taker with a chair!
-Sharmell interviews Jericho, saying that Jericho didn’t fare well against Austin on RAW. Jericho says his opinion is the only one that matters. And his opinion is that she should sit down and shut up as he beats Austin and Rock tonight and becomes the Undisputed Champion on Sunday. He’ll cement his status as the next Living Legend and he’ll become one of the greatest WWF superstars ever.
Chris Jericho and Kurt Angle vs. Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin
-Y2J comes out first, followed by Angle. Rock comes out next, and Angle and Jericho double team him. Austin then runs down (with his old music, no less) and saves Rock. Austin takes it to Angle in the ring as Rock takes on Jericho outside. Stunner to Angle. 1-2-broken by Jericho. Jericho drags Angle to his corner and makes him tag. Austin takes it to Jericho. Back suplex, but Jericho counters. Clothesline by Austin, 1-2-kickout. Slingshot into the turnbuckle and clotheline by Austin. Austin gets Jericho into the Walls of Jericho, but Angle breaks it up. Austin takes out Angle and tags Rock. Flying forearm by Jericho. Tag to Angle. Chops by Angle. Chops by Rock. Clothesline by Rock. Belly to belly by Rock. Tag to Austin. Chops to Angle. Angle goes for a German, counter, Austin goes for a Stunner, counter, and Jericho hits Austin. Angle hits an overhead belly to belly. Tag to Jericho. Jericho takes it to Austin. Austin spears Jericho. Austin goes for the Lou Thesz Press, but Jericho counters into the Walls of Jericho. Rock takes out Jericho. Tag to Angle, and Angle knocks Rock off the apron. Austin goes for the Stunner, but Angle counters into the Anglelock. Austin gets to the ropes, but Angle and Jericho pull him back to the center. Rock breaks up the hold. Tags to Rock and Jericho. Clotheslines by Rock. Flying forearm vy Rock. Smackdown laid on Angle. Jericho accidentally clotheslines Angle. DDT to Jericho, broken up by Angle. Austin takes Angle outside. Low blow to Rock. Rock Bottom by Jericho, 1-2-broken up by Austin! Angle takes Austin out of the ring. Spinebuster to Jericho. Sharpshooter! Angle goes to break it up, but Austin stops him. Jericho taps out!
Here are your winners- Rock and Stone Cold Steve Austin
-After the match, Angle hits the Angle Slam on Jericho. Rock and Austin stare down, and then drink some beers.
Match of the Night: Rock/Austin vs. Jericho/Angle. The only match longer than about five minutes, and also a pretty good tag match. Pretty fun near falls towards the end.
Man of the Night: Jerry “The King” Lawler. Man, it’s good to have him back.
Quotation of the Night: Cole: “Man, I really love this team of Scotty and Albert.” Lawler: “So why don’t you marry it?”
Sign of the night: (Each letter one individual sign)- “WOOOOOOOOO”
34-year-old currently living in Syracuse, New York. Long-time fan of the New York Mets, Chicago Bulls, and Minnesota Vikings. An avid fan of professional wrestling and write reviews/articles on the product. Usually focusing on old-school wrestling.